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Old 06-28-2011, 12:07 AM   #1
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What is happening to my family?

Hi, I'm new and I'm losing my mind! I'm married to a crack addict who is now 5 weeks clean since detox. He's struggled for 35yrs. We have a daughter in elementary school. Whilst in detox he wanted to keep our family together but 2 weeks after getting out he said that we were over and he wasn't coming back. He took a bus up north to stay with his sister and friends to recover and get work. My gut told me that he had met someone in the 2 weeks before he went up north and I was right. She lives in the same city as I do and is not up north with him. I can't get a straight answer from him nor from her as I found out that she was texting him (I see the cell bill).I called her and she texted me back saying that she didn't know that he was still married and that she was in my shoes and she wouldn't break up a family. However she is still texting him and not responding to my questions. He doesn't want to talk to me unless it about finances. It seems like he has washed his hands of us and is starting a new life. Apparently I am a pig and he can't live like that and that I have had problems from before we got together (11 years). He has said nasty things to me previously and our marriage has been going downhill. It's hard when most of everything you own gets taken out and sold for crack.When he was in detox, he asked the councillor to call me and talk and give him a year that he wanted to keep his family. What happened!! I started going to alanon meetings. His sister won't return my calls. Help.

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 04:54 AM   #2
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Hello TT,

Please don't take this the wrong way but are you sure he is 5 weeks clean?

It seems,to me at least,that he rather surround himself with enablers to support his "downward spiral" cause.

You put your faith in him and he continues to put his faith in a substance....

Until he breaks free from this "mind-alterer" completely,he will not be free to be completely responsible.

Inadvertantly,he will be free to disappoint and hurt others on different levels.

His lack of sincerety is not your fault, nor is his need to escape;he is running from himself but hasn't yet realized that he has embarked on an impossible mission.

Attending al-anon meetings shows you are making effort for the better;his actions show otherwise.

Please take time to concentrate on the things that you have control over;you and your daughter's lives...

You can't begin to save a "lost" soul until he first "finds" himself.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Old 06-28-2011, 11:27 AM   #3
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Hi Phoenix,
Thank you for your reply. I do think that he is clean. It seems as though having a new supporting girlfriend is his "cure". Do you really think that his sister and his friends (best man at our wedding lives there) are enabling him? It's different now as he has never cheated on me yet, but he said he will with this girl. He says that they've already been intimate. I believe this is the end. I don't think he cares about his daughter. What made him change from trying to keep us together to finding someone else? She knows addiction as her parents are pill poppers. I will continue with Alanon and start over. I just cancelled his cell phone, he'll be ******, and I won't talk to him again. I will have to find Family Court and see what I need to do. Again, thank you for your support.
Tigress

 
Old 06-28-2011, 12:06 PM   #4
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Re: What is happening to my family?

TT,

I am viewing things from the eyes of one who was once addicted to the same drug(clean since 2000).

I'm not going to call an apple an orange;the writing's on the wall,pretty much.

Drugs are his first love;everyone and everything else is a distant second,third and so on.

I mean" there's light at the end of the tunnel but you can't even tell from this vantage point",type of distance.

He's been intimate,he has cheated.

Here's the thing;he has changed,for the worse.

There's a reason they say no new relationships for the first year of sobriety...

Let him be ****** and reclaim your power...

both you and your daughter deserve it.

Respectfully
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Last edited by Phoenix; 06-28-2011 at 03:32 PM.

 
Old 06-28-2011, 07:03 PM   #5
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Re: What is happening to my family?

TT,

You are most definitely on the right track. I would cancel any and every bill of his that you are stuck paying. He wants his freedom, let him go get it. I wouldn't buy any of his crap or the lil "innocent" girlfriend act either. You've put up with enough from this man, he's taken way more from you than you ever deserved. Now the only thing you have to do is take care of you and your daughter.

I know it's painful, but everytime that pain pokes its head up just think of one of the times he took something from you to buy crack, or came home wasted and treated you badly.....it won't take long for the pain to go away.

the one thing you do need to do is file Seperation papers, to protect the custody of your daughter and home...I"m not sure how that works where you are, but you can research that pretty easily.

Good luck and take care.

kat

 
Old 06-28-2011, 10:39 PM   #6
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Hi Phoenix,
I cancelled his cell phone and decided not to speak with him anymore; he called and spoke with our daughter and then wanted to speak with me, in regards to getting his things; I took the phone and hung it up(this is something that he did constantly during our relationship when he got mad). He tried calling a few times and left a message saying that the $$$ he was going to leave to help with the rent in a few days will now be used to fly his girlfriend up to see him. Nice. No thought to what he has done or whether there will be a roof over his daughter's head (He has always had a mean streak and had often said that he couldn't help it when he got mad). I met up with one of the ladies from Alanon today for coffee and told me about the Co-Dependant meeting for this Friday...
Thank you for your reply; it is so appreciated and informative.
Tigress

 
Old 06-28-2011, 10:55 PM   #7
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Hi Kat,

Thank you for your supportive words. It is painful and very hard to cope as I never thought this would happen. I always had hope. I will check out what the procedures are for Family Court. I don't think he could get custody as he is still on probation from the last time he assaulted me,which he thought that grabbing my lapels and ripping my buttons off was not an assault nor did it count, and he can only be in my/our presence with my consent. Deep down he knows what he has done. It doesn't help that his best friend's roommate is in a divorce, rightly so that the ex-wife is in the wrong(but that's another story and I feel awful for the husband) they must be bashing all wives and he's in there shoveling dirt on me.

Thanks Kat for letting me vent,
Tigress

 
Old 06-29-2011, 06:56 AM   #8
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Tigress View Post
Hi Phoenix,
I cancelled his cell phone and decided not to speak with him anymore; he called and spoke with our daughter and then wanted to speak with me, in regards to getting his things;

He tried calling a few times and left a message saying that the $$$ he was going to leave to help with the rent in a few days will now be used to fly his girlfriend up to see him.

I met up with one of the ladies from Alanon today for coffee and told me about the Co-Dependant meeting for this Friday...
Thank you for your reply; it is so appreciated and informative.
Tigress
TT,

No more cell provider for him,just enablers on the other end...good for you.

You did your part.

He can get his things.....

forwarded to his new place of residency.

The money he speaks of is already spoken for;the dealer being the speaker of choice,spearheading his campaign......shaking my head.

In my opinion,he is accumulating a lot of frequent liar miles.

You will find that Friday meeting most informative.

Well done, thusfar;please try and stay focused.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 06-29-2011 at 04:49 PM.

 
Old 06-29-2011, 09:52 AM   #9
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Just be grateful that he is out of your hair. There is always two sides to a story and not knowing his I would say you have to make decisions based on whats best for you and your daughter.
In my opinion, you don't want anything to do with a crack user. Again, in my opinion, they are by far the worst and sketchiest of all drug users.

 
Old 06-29-2011, 06:16 PM   #10
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Tigress View Post
Hi, I'm new and I'm losing my mind! I'm married to a crack addict who is now 5 weeks clean since detox. He's struggled for 35yrs. We have a daughter in elementary school. Whilst in detox he wanted to keep our family together but 2 weeks after getting out he said that we were over and he wasn't coming back. He took a bus up north to stay with his sister and friends to recover and get work. My gut told me that he had met someone in the 2 weeks before he went up north and I was right. She lives in the same city as I do and is not up north with him. I can't get a straight answer from him nor from her as I found out that she was texting him (I see the cell bill).I called her and she texted me back saying that she didn't know that he was still married and that she was in my shoes and she wouldn't break up a family. However she is still texting him and not responding to my questions. He doesn't want to talk to me unless it about finances. It seems like he has washed his hands of us and is starting a new life. Apparently I am a pig and he can't live like that and that I have had problems from before we got together (11 years). He has said nasty things to me previously and our marriage has been going downhill. It's hard when most of everything you own gets taken out and sold for crack.When he was in detox, he asked the councillor to call me and talk and give him a year that he wanted to keep his family. What happened!! I started going to alanon meetings. His sister won't return my calls. Help.
Make an appointment with legal aid and sue his butt for child support.
What more can you do?
Your job now is to fight for your children, to ensure they get what's theirs, so they can have more opportunities and a better life than their pathetic father.

It's for the best that he won't be around physically, having a negative influence on them and tainting their lives with his presence. But they still deserve his financial support. It's only what he owes them, what every parent owes his or her child.

Best of luck.

 
Old 06-29-2011, 06:54 PM   #11
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Re: What is happening to my family?

I was upset with you post a cousin of mine was having a same situation with what you have right now. She just did a long journey struggling with a husband like that and what she did she just brought her kids and live together. They live peacefully now.

 
Old 06-30-2011, 10:36 PM   #12
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Hi Phoenix,
My past few days have been up and down. I'm trying to do everything in my power to keep from falling apart; it's not even the drugs now, it's the fact that his eyes are somewhere else and that I have been the problem in his eyes. I now realize that I should've attended alanon all along as I didn't help our relationship either. I never thought in a million years it would come to this in a blink of an eye. I am deeply hurt. He's taken my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. All I've been doing in the past few days are working out at the gym and going to work. I also attended an A.A meeting last night. I went with a lady I met at the alanon meeting from Monday. Tomorrow I will attend the Co Dependancy meeting.
Thanks for letting me have a place to speak through written words.
Tigress

 
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Old 06-30-2011, 10:44 PM   #13
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Hi Kali333,
He did call the following morning and apologized for the "I'll use the money instead to fly her up" comment and said that was a mean thing to say. I unsuspended the cell and got the cell company to take it off my account and give to him under his own name. This way I wouldn't be responsible for the term remaining on the contract for that number. He is still very bland when he speaks to me but I am trying not to be bitter and let him go. It hurts like hell.
Thank you for your response,
Tigress

 
Old 06-30-2011, 10:49 PM   #14
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Hi Villania,

Peacefull would be a great for myself and my daughter...

Thanks,
Tigress

 
Old 07-01-2011, 04:39 AM   #15
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Re: What is happening to my family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Tigress View Post
it's not even the drugs now, it's the fact that his eyes are somewhere else and that I have been the problem in his eyes. I now realize that I should've attended alanon all along as I didn't help our relationship either. I never thought in a million years it would come to this in a blink of an eye. I am deeply hurt. He's taken my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. All I've been doing in the past few days are working out at the gym and going to work. I also attended an A.A meeting last night. I went with a lady I met at the alanon meeting from Monday. Tomorrow I will attend the Co Dependancy meeting.
Thanks for letting me have a place to speak through written words.
Tigress
TT,

It's the drugs that are helping to cloud his judgement.

If he thinks he's going to be happier with another woman,he is fooling himself.

He needs to work on his issues and all this other person represents is a distraction;a means for him to continue living in the illusionary world of "smoke and mirrors" that he has created.

You shouldn't blame yourself with an "if I knew then what I know know" mindset....

Life is a learning process and we never cease learning until our last breath is drawn.

I know that you are hurting but please realize it's his selfishness;the quest to have his immediate needs met,that caused him to move.

I forgot to mention before but there's a Codependency Board on this site that you may want to take a look at.....

Having "a place to speak through written words" is something I cannot take credit for.

It's the Healthboard's(tm) website,administered by the moderators,that make it possible for me to post advice and support.

I appreciate the sentiment though.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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Last edited by Phoenix; 07-01-2011 at 08:56 PM.

 
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