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Old 08-20-2011, 09:46 AM   #1
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cosmicpixie HB User
just happened on in...

I was with my bf for almost 10 and a half years (I'm 29). We got engaged back in Feb on our 10 year anniversary. We booked the wedding etc. at the end of April for 2 years time.

Suddenly in May, his brother was rushed to hospital with severe chicken pox / pneumonia and had to be placed into a medically induced coma. The day after this happened, his mum died suddenly of a heart attack.

We managed to get through the 4 weeks after the funeral, but since she died he had been on a site called Open Diary (which is a blogging site, really) and a 19 year old girl had befriended him. She lived 2 hrs away. She came to see him, he came to see her so I let it carry on because I thought "well, if she is helping him through his grief..."

He started to get attracted to her and she him. She wrote him love letters, poems and would not back off even though he was engaged. He did not stop her as he valued her friendship and didn't want to lose it. We were drifting further apart as all he would be concerned about is her and her problems.

I got accused of creating the distance, and about 6 weeks after his mum's death he kept saying "I don't know if we'll make it, don't know if we should be together" etc. etc.

This was killing me - on top of knowing how attracted he was to this girl. In the end I snapped that he was spending more time worrying about her than me (I was stressed - had been a rock to him and hid dad through it all). After that argument we managed to claw it back (even though he said he was finishing with me).

In the end it went on a few more weeks as we had concerts tog o to, and he kep messaging and phoning her not understanding why it hurt me even though I told him so. One day in July he sent a text saying I never cared or loved him. Made me see red so I went home from work, packed a few things to stay at my mum's house for a few days to give him space. I snooped on his laptop as I was so worried something was going on and left my jewellery behind. These 2 reasons are what he gave when he broke up with me via text.

I can read his online blog and see that he so wants to be with this other girl so badly and that hurts so bad. I wish he had just been honest - I would have been devastated, but better that than be lied to.

Any advice would be appreciated on how to fully get over this - been 3 and a half weeks now so I am getting there. What hurts is how he tossed away 10 years aside of pure love and devotion from me to have....what? I am trying to think that his mum dying flicked a switch that made him look at me and see how close I was to her and how badly he didn't want to be reminded of what had happened. This other girl was not involved at all.

Any advice or words would be gladly welcomed at this time. I just feel so sad that I had to cancel my own wedding :-(

 
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Old 09-09-2011, 03:53 AM   #2
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Re: just happened on in...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmicpixie View Post
I was with my bf for almost 10 and a half years (I'm 29).

Suddenly in May, his brother was rushed to hospital with severe chicken pox / pneumonia and had to be placed into a medically induced coma. The day after this happened, his mum died suddenly of a heart attack.


I can read his online blog and see that he so wants to be with this other girl so badly and that hurts so bad. I wish he had just been honest - I would have been devastated, but better that than be lied to.

Any advice would be appreciated on how to fully get over this - been 3 and a half weeks now so I am getting there. What hurts is how he tossed away 10 years aside of pure love and devotion from me to have....what? I am trying to think that his mum dying flicked a switch that made him look at me and see how close I was to her and how badly he didn't want to be reminded of what had happened. This other girl was not involved at all.

Any advice or words would be gladly welcomed at this time.-(
Hello cosmic,

Unfortunately no one knows how a person will react when it comes to the death of a family member.Add the brother's situation into the scenario and it could make for an extremely difficult time.

You may remind him of his mother and he may be in a lot of pain.he is in a vulnerable state at this point and i'm not surprised that he gravitated towards the next person that showed him any attention(it happened to me).

Don't feel as if you never mattered;his feelings are mangled and by the time he decides to cease swimming in his "sea of denial" the damage,which may be irreparable at this point,will already be done.

This o.p.(other person) represents a distraction from what he needs to work on and until he sees that,it will be nearly impossible to reach him(from a metaphoric standpoint).

I also realize that you are hurting and I want you to know that we are here for you and will continue to be.The years of emotional investment......

One can say i've been on both sides of the fence,when it comes to reactions towards death and the aftermath of its' survivors.

I hate to use the cliche but know that it wasn't you;it is definitely him.

Respectfully
Phoenix
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