annarazor

I've been with this guy for about five years. The start of our relationship was rocky due to the fact that his girlfriend was still living with him.. in his words he loved her but defiantly was not in love with her....If anything that should have been a sign enough but i fell for the guy regardless.. She knew about me and he never hid anything from her about me so there was a lot of drama.. I suppose i fell so hard for him that i wanted to win this fight.. because she fought.. I believed that he really wanted to be with me in the beginning, until i found out he didn't stop having sex with her.. so it kinda broke my trust.. but i stayed anyway thinking that he would eventually see how much i cared...
Me and her even tried to become friends because she was aware how strongly he felt for me.. but that never really lasted long.. anyway all of this drama went on for about 4 years.. Until she leaves him for someone else...

To him he wasn't really with her anyway (so he said for a very long time after this started) and he assured me he loved me.. but he couldn't just "kick her out" and felt "obligated" to do certain things (aka sex)...but you don't sleep with someone else if you love someone else, at least i don't...

So as much as i know that deep down inside of him he is a caring person, he is just as much jealous and manipulative.. he never trusted me one bit even though i never did anything wrong to him. He's called me names, uses the things ive told him against me.. calls me a liar endlessly..has called me *****.. ect ect.. Why anyone would put up with this like i have i still don't know.. I guess because i loved him so darn much... He is so aware of my weaknesses that he does **** on purpose.. I was obviously scared of losing him and always was so when we would have a huge fight he told me he was gone.. delete me.. ect ..(probably about a million times since knowing him) only for it to mean nothing and we would brush off the fight until the next time..

Fast forward to recently.. well about a year and a few months after she was gone.. well my feelings have changed because I finally got tired of feeling so hopeless and i can't take the names.. having to prove where i am... being told im not where i am or what im doing.. telling me that he will drive here and find me... I can only love so much when a person is ripping you apart esp after of taking it for 5 years....But i still love him, but im NOT in love anymore... But now, oddly enough hes acting that hes actually in love with me.. that he misses me so much.. wants to see me more (he lives an hour away).. but why couldn't he have felt this way when I felt this way.. That made this even harder for me.. to tell him how i felt..

I told him my feelings are different and he gets ******.. not understanding or anything.. tells me i'm with someone else.. or that i'm lying about ****...I haven't looked at another person this entire time because i cared so much and i gave up a lot of things for him.. (seeing friends..having a social life outside of him ect) ....mainly to avoid fights.. well, i finally got up enough nerve and i told him i want a break and he tells me i can have one but he will never talk to me again.. which is hurtful and scary.. Ive talked to him every day for the past five years and even though our relationship is really strained i don't feel right when we don't talk.. I get sooo depressed, even worse than usual.. I fear abandonment..So this is a scare tactic.. he will text me stuff like " i hope your life is better with out me, i will never for get you" to make me feel even worse...

I get sooooo upset when i think about what i will lose.. or what i wanted and how it never happened how i wished.. or How i can't love him again like i used to.. Or that i will never see him again.. Or that he will never talk to me again if i chose my life over us staying together...Part of me wants to live my life and try to be happy alone (find myself again), but this other part usually folds because i don't want to hurt anymore or hurt him any more.. hes not very confident with himself either..

how do i stand up for myself? What do i do..? I don't even know if i want to be alone or if i can be able to handle it...I fear the depression that will take over too.. if i go then he's never gonna talk (or so he says) to me again which scares me so much and if i don't then i'm still stuck in this toxic negative relationship that i care about but it can't be what it was ever again.. much less live my life or find out who i am now..