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Old 10-23-2011, 03:23 PM   #1
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I am a Black swan mother

So here it goes, from the moment they handed me this beautiful fragile daughter, I lost my life as I had always known. I wanted her to be better, smarter and prettier than I had ever been. I never allowed her to go without, I indulged her, worshiped her and fulfilled her constant needs, at the expense of mine, her brothers and her father's needs. As life dealt her a blow or two, I was there, bailed her out and took care of her. I lost a relationship or two, but I didn't care, as long as she was happy, I was happy. She made multiple wrong choices with alcohol, men and drugs, but no worries Mama was always there financially and emotionally. She went to rehab, she went to a half-way house, I rescued her from the streets, how good I felt about myself!?. She has verbally and even physically abused me....do it, "it is okay, Mama is always here for and I understand!" Now today I realize she is an albatross, dragging the very life and soul out of me, I am the problem, not the solution, she is 29 years, she can't keep a job, she can't support herself and is crippled emotionally and I know it is my fault, she resents my help, but can't break free of my bonds, I resent her dependency, but can't stop supplying. She just lost a very good job, now I know I am about to make myself responsible to help her find another, I am going to supply money until she finds another, if things don't work out for her, she will lose herself in drugs or booze and I am scared and can't do it anymore. So these are the rantings of an otherwise sane, but foolish woman. I realize today that I am the Black Swam mother, I have never allowed her to hurt, take responsibility for her choices, I have indulged to the extent of crippling her. So today, I need serious help, throwing her out on the streets is not an option, I just need words of wisdom of how to let go of her, let her live her own love, yet still retain the tower of strength I have always been, and to love her in an normal mother-daughter relationship. Time the cut the infamous umbilical cord....please read my thread and offer me help, for me and for her. Thanks

 
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Old 10-24-2011, 09:32 AM   #2
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Re: I am a Black swan mother

Hi, I'm so sorry you have this terrible consequence of your actions with your daughter. You have enabled her to become emotionally bankrupt and I know it was because you loved her but she never suffered consequences of her actions. I am an enabler too and I think Al Anon is a good place to go and see that she has to take responsibility for herself and her life. You have to take a step back and learn skills and tools to become a emotionally strong mother and a better wife and mother. We all love our children but helping them and bailing them out all the time does not teach them to live in this world and obey authority. Please get some support and counseling for yourself and see why you have enabled your daughter. Did you have a good relationship with your mom and how did your sons turn out? Best wishes.

 
Old 10-24-2011, 10:50 PM   #3
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Re: I am a Black swan mother

I had an average relationship with my mother as I grew older. Initially I was the baby for 8 years until my brother, and then my sister was born. I took a backseat, my mother was overwhelmed with health issues, depression and lack of money, she was constantly stressed. I loved my mother and didn't want to add to her burden, so I became the giving, easy child. I gave up my childhood to parent my younger siblings, I went without, yet I never complained. Once I told my mother in a moment of despair "you never gave me anything!", her response was simple and thought provoking, she responded "you never asked for anything.". My father was always there for me, so I have always believed men will be there for me. Thank you so much for your post. For the first time I realize that my obsession in pleasing my daughter is probably over-compensation for my lack of money, opportunities and nurturing love in my childhood. My boys turned out fine, they are both married with children, but they both live in England and Europe, far away from me. This revelation will be a great tool for me to use in a therapy program, I had never thought my mother's lack of interest in me has created my strife with my daughter. Thank you so much.

Last edited by marilyn52; 10-24-2011 at 10:51 PM.

 
Old 10-25-2011, 09:16 AM   #4
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Re: I am a Black swan mother

I have learned that as we get healthy and strong within ourselves that we gain the respect of those around us and we can stand up with our head up high. I have had a wonderful second husband who affirmed me and helped me believe in my abilities and my faith in God has helped me know that I am unconditionally loved. My adopted dad never really connected with me and we both are very stubborn. My mom was my anchor and gave me affirmation and love but then she died when I was 12. It was difficult to raise my three sons and when I divorced I couldn't manage financially raising them so they went to live with their dad. They have all turned out well and were quite angry with me feeling like I abandoned them but I tried over the years to keep in touch and keep the communication open. You daughter really needs help and I hope she reaches out to get it. Is she close to your husband? Her rebellion will only produce more pain for herself. What kind of job did she have? I am praying that you will find help for yourself and read books like Boundaries by Henry Cloud or Healing is a Choice. We all have choices in life and can change our mindset. I hope you will find Celebrate Recovery in your area for yourself and your daughter and talk to others to help you during this difficult time. Best wishes.

 
Old 10-26-2011, 03:46 PM   #5
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Re: I am a Black swan mother

Dear Black Swan:

I feel like I know you. I am one of the other children in your family. It hurts me for you to pour yourself into the sinful, dysfunctional child while (likely) ignoring the responsible children in your family. In my situation: My sisters have lived the selfish life of your daughter & are sucking the very life from my Mother/Father WHOM I NEED. NOT WANT- NEED. Life is SO hard, I need support. My 2 sisters have selfishly dumped their 5 children into my Mother/Father's care and it is absolutely consuming every part of them. They are 65 & 75 years old!! I have no Mother or Father to speak of. And the sad part, from my point of view is this-> You're other children need you.... and DESERVE your support.

Here's my advise: let your kids have you.... all of them. Cut the cord to this mean daughter and run to support your other children. I have a sister that has all the selfish characteristics you describe. She does not need anyone. She gives back nothing. She only robs and pillages. What do you want your legacy to be?

Because in my case I do not see my parents as righteous or good for their behavior--> I am beginning to hate them for it. I don't visit, I don't think of them and I wish I didn't have to spend any of the holidays with them. They are not saints..... You are not a saint............ IT'S EVIL! You are leaving your good children in the cold elements of life and surrounding your selfish daughter with all your affections and love.

Be Careful or your children will not rise up and call you blessed-> they'll remember you as the Black Swan... and you'll deserve that for abandoning them.

===
Now I know this seems very harsh. Please know my heart is of incredible pain, not malice. I hope you begin to make better choices for everyone's sake.

 
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