I am over 40 years old and I feel like I trust no one. If we met you'd probably think I am pretty normal, maybe even successful..... on the surface. I am a high school teacher, mother of 3 amazingly happy children, and a wife(for now anyways).
I am in such emotional pain all the time that I cannot function in the world. I wonder again and again what my problem is. On the surface things are okay, not perfect or great, but okay. But I self destruct my normal life fairly often and I feel I have NO SUPPORT system at all- even though I have people around me all the time. My marriage is a different story, as I find him to be very cold toward me and even cruel and hurtful at times.
Here's my root pain: My Mother did not supply me with affection/attention as a little girl. She is always too busy taking care of everyone else- the neighbor, the "new" family member (we've had a new aunt and sister in the last 5 years).... just everyone....other than her own daughter. It is crazy that my Mother has NO BOUNDRIES. She has 6 children, 3 step children, takes care of a "new" aunt, allowed a "new" sister to join the last birthday my sister (died of cancer), watches neighbor's children, cares for the elderly & sickly and so much more you would not even believe it. Oh Yeah- my Mother is 65 years old and raising 5 children under the age of 12!
I suffer extreme emotional neglect. I feel SO EMOTIONAL needy I can hardly breath. I see other people with their Mom's decorating their classrooms (I am a teacher) and I am angry. I feel emotionally barren. I don't trust anyone and it is a MAJOR problem in my life.
Does anyone have any insight into how my Mother can 'ignore' me (a fairly normal daughter). Don't get me wrong...if I need some tangible thing she's there for me.
I am Miserable. I don't trust anyone. I am numb and hurting and it is getting in the way of my marriage and mothering. AND I am a teacher, so I cannot even love my students because I am hurting so much.
Numb..... but want to shake it off and be happy