I know this is long but please read, it's been going on for too long and I really need to do something about it.
I met my friend, we'll call him "M", when I was 9 years old. We hardly hung out but reconnected again when we were both 17/18 years old. We immediately became BEST friends right away. We were attached at the hip and we both knew it and we both enjoyed it that way. We wanted to keep it that way. We looked out for each other, made each other laugh so hard that we'd get sick to our stomachs, there was NEVER an argument about what music is being played on the radio (cause we both LOVE LOVE LOVE the same music) and we pretty much did everything together (except sex). Our friendship was strictly platonic and we felt as though we couldn't do anything without each other. For years, this went on without any real concern. We had lost a lot of friends because of how strong our connection is. They were like strangers looking in at us having so much fun but we would always shut people out because we feared that others would ruin our great fun. (At least that's how my mom saw it but I personally saw it as: we were best friends, that's that) we were even engaged for a year but ended up not going through with it (mutual agreement) We moved to Seattle, WA together for a job that I was offered and he wanted to come with me. It was almost as though we couldn't stand being away from each other even for an hour. When I was working, he'd call me and we'd talk throughout my entire day. When he was working, he would text me all day long until he came home and we would just hang out till it was time for bed. We loved each other very much but we weren't IN love, it seemed that way sometimes though, I'll admit.
Now, I realized that he only moved here with me because he saw it as an opportunity to benefit him. In fact, all of our friendship was about benefiting him (or so I'm told) I kicked him out because he started dating someone and turned into a real jerk, treating me like dirt. ("M" is gay by the way so it's not like a girlfriend meets female best friend type of situation, no) and "M" turned into a jerk, a downright, selfish jerk. I couldn't take the way he was treating me, said I was unimportant, like dude I took you to Washington with me. I ended up kicking him out and he moved in with his new boyfriend. Directly after he moved, I invited my boyfriend to move in with me (we had only been dating for a month, not even) it was too soon for him to move in, I realize that but I have a fear of living alone. I always need someone with me at all times even if they aren't physically at home. The next month, I lost my job, my sister went to rehab for heroin use and I found out I was pregnant the DAY AFTER I lost my job. (If I was still working, it wouldn't have been an issue.) But as angry as I became at "M", I still find myself miserable each and every day in this huge, deep depression that I just can't seem to get out of. When I'm talking to my boyfriend about "M", I'm angry at him treating me so badly but when "M" calls me on the phone, I act as though nothing is wrong and I actually feel happier when we talk and have fun. Meanwhile, "M" still owes me $550 for my half that I paid towards HIS car which he keeps promising me that he'll pay me back but the car is in his name and we have nothing in writing stating that he has to pay me back so I'm kinda screwed on that one....but even as angry I am at him, why does my anger disappear when he calls or when we hang out? I miss the good times, I feel miserable, like I'm not even myself anymore. All I do is watch tv, I can't work (doctor's orders), I got thrown out of my apartment and moved in with my boyfriend and his mom, I just feel horrible and I don't know what to do. Why do I feel so crappy after my best friend (who turned out to be a major backstabbing jerk) ditched me for someone who could offer him more? Why do I want to offer him more to keep him as a friend? Is this codependency? Everyone tells me to get my mind off of him and to join clubs, make new friends, etc. I'm socially.....I'm in a shell where I feel like I can't talk to other people unless they like musical theater. If they don't, then I feel as though we have absolutely nothing in common. They are the typical 22-23 year old, listening to Lady Gaga or Akon, goes to clubs and gets wasted out of their minds, etc. I have NO desire in talking to people like that whatsoever. Clubs aren't my scene, drinking isn't my thing, I like to go out and blast musicals and sing loudly like nobody is watching. I have NOBODY to do that with anymore since "M" left my life. It's hard for me to make new friends with the hobbies that I enjoy. Most of the people in theater have a life of their own and don't want to talk to me for more than 30 seconds because I don't go to clubs. Because I don't drink. I feel lik "M" was the only friend who could truly ever understand me but he used me SO much and I never realized it till I ended up having to kick him out. Is what I'm feeling codependency or just the loss of a great friend? My whole family hated him, told me he used me and I never believed them, not one bit. Then when I kicked him out, I realized that he was never a genuine friend and that he only used his friendship the most when he saw that it would benefit himself. So then why do I still desire to be best friends with this guy? Please help