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Old 01-18-2012, 11:14 PM   #1
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Am I causing the issue?

I have attracted abusive men most of my life. Somehow, they see me coming. This time, I have met a woman who I believe to be a truly fine individual morally.

After about two months, she started pressuring me to "come out". I would prefer a man and didn't want, in my tiny community, to be labeled as something that didn't feel like a complete fit just yet.

She started to say that she couldn't trust someone that was lying to people. I wasn't lying to anybody as nobody asked me any questions. Regardless, I was not lying about anything to her. She began to look at my call logs on my phone, read my e-mails and got angry, really angry when I was online with friends or looking at Facebook. She questioned and accused me of seeing men every day that I wasn't with her. I have not dated anybody in years and wasn't looking for anybody when I met her. She now gets angry, very angry easily. She loses her temper daily and screams, name calls and grabs my arm or puts herself in front of me to stop me from wherever I am going. She says her anger is situational because by not publicly claiming her, I am making her insecure and causing this temper issue. She said she has never been this way before with anybody because she has never been a "dirty little secret". If I ask a male employee at a store for assistance, she gets angry. She wants a list of my relatives so she knows which men are actually related to me as though I am interested in virtually any man on earth. The meaner she gets and the more she demands me to do what I am not yet ready to do, the more she pushes me away. Her anger flare-ups are constant, they end quickly and then she acts as though nothing has happened where I feel bruised and angry. She has grabbed my arm hard enough to give me a black and blue mark, she has hit me in the head with a pillow and said the most horrible things. Yet I know she doesn't mean the things she says, but she does it to hurt when she is hurt. She attributes to her "Irish temper."

On the other side, she is honest, hard working, a good person with a tragic past, wonderful to my mother and family, and what you see is what you get. I am so fearful of hurting her because she has already been so terribly hurt and abused as a youngster. She doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, but she does and I feel stuck. She has so many wonderful traits but the control issue and temper have left me feeling like a prisoner in my own home and even a little fearful once or twice.

Is this just a bad temper or abuse? I know that it seems like abuse yet she has me convinced that she is truly a very honest and decent person with this glaring flaw caused by my inability to claim her yet. My decision is if it is a fatal flaw. I am not madly in love with her. I do love her I enjoy being with her. She can be wonderful company and can quickly turn into nightmarish company, which subsides quickly. She is the only person that I have been with in so long and I am fearful that she may be my last chance at happiness. I have also stayed because I cannot bear to hurt her. She came into this honestly thinking I would have no problem claiming her publicly. I wouldn't if I was sure this was right for me and I wonder if I did claim her, would this temper issue cease?

I am so very lost right now I can barely breathe. I asked for a few weeks apart as the other morning, she got angry over nothing, she doesn't even know what set her off, and she made a fist. She didn't do anything with it, but I was very upset by it and said I wanted space. The build-up of all the events has left me wanting some serious time alone. I said I wanted three weeks apart and we went to see a psychologist, hers, to talk about it and he agreed she should give me this space and explained to her that her behavior was inappropriate. She has since called every day. Today she came over to get her mail while I was out and she cleaned my kitchen and left me flowers in my room. It would seem nice, yet on the other hand, it isn't respecting the time I so sorely need. It feels manipulative.

She says if I leave her, she will hate me forever and know that she misjudged me as another person who just used her. I did not use her. I actually supported her for the entire past year including driving her to and from trade school. She was incarcerated for DUI and I helped her get back into life, get a trade, a car and a job. She has spent all her time with me, which is suffocating and hasn't found new friends because she says she can't while I am not out as she does not want to lie to them. She says that my inability to claim her has left in worse shape than when she was incarcerated and that I make her feel like her grandfather did as a child because of the "secret". She says I am destroying her.

In the past, I have tried to end the relationship and just can't for some reason. I just can't hurt her. I have wished that she would leave me, but she won't. I am so so stuck. I don't know why I can't leave and when I do, she does something to hurt herself like get drunk, which could put her back in prison, yell, scream, make threats to "out" me, which she later rescinds, shows up at my house and calls repeatedly until I can't have my phone on the hook.

I know I sound nuts asking this, but is it possible that this is truly because I am making her insecure? I believe she should be able to control her temper regardless of our relationship status and I feel abused and icky, yet she realizes her issues, makes changes and does change some of the bad behavior. She is apologetic and there has definitely been some improvement, albeit slow. She is going to a psychologist now to work on anger management but wants an answer about my coming out which I am not ready to give. I am just not there.

I need some outside advice. She IS a good person. I know that this is making her wildly insecure, though I have not done anything that should make her feel that way. Is it possible if I did come out that this behavior would go away and we could be happy? Am I giving up a chance at happiness with a good person? I am so confused and stuck that I feel as though I could explode and sometimes wish I would. Please let me know what you think. Everyone loves her and thinks she is marvelous but they have not seen her temper nor do they know the extent to which she wants to control who I see or what I do.

She swears this has never ever been her behavior before with anybody else. She was in three long-term relationships before me and she swears this has never been an issue. What do I do? Please, please help me. I am not insane. I'm pretty normal, work well at a great job and have nice friends. You'd never look at me and expect that this was going on behind the scenes. I am open to anything you have to say. Thank you.

Last edited by Administrator; 01-19-2012 at 04:43 AM.

 
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:54 AM   #2
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Re: Am I causing the issue?

My, she is still abusive! Being a female surely means that she would act differently from a male, but it is still abusive and pushy! Sometimes a woman can be more mean given the sharp talk and etc.
I am not here to judge about the kind of relationship you have, but either way, gay or regular, it is still abusive! She is threatening you and etc. How can she ask for you the list of all your male relatives? This is ridiculous. She cannot and should not control your relationships with others, esp. if it is just a normal one.
Yes she will threaten to leave you and dump you forever, but isn't this kind of talk wrong? Abusive? Emotionally abusive - verbal abuse.

Trust me, there are better people out there who are not verbally or physically abusive. If you stay in this, it would be codependency one day, for now, if you find someone else who is healthier mentally, it is better for you in the long run. Maybe you are prone to be abused? Maybe you have a family history that some male role models or female role models like to abuse people verbally. I have a few in my family and it took me a while to get out of this kind of connection. The old Chinese saying: "To hit is affectionate and scolding is cute." I don't agree to this saying. It is not cute or affectionate. It is cruel and abuse and disrespectful.

Hugs,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 04-10-2012 at 11:57 AM.

 
Old 04-10-2012, 01:02 PM   #3
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Re: Am I causing the issue?

In my opinion this is an abusive relationship. There is never an excuse for anyone to lay their hands own you in anger. She is also using emotional blackmail to keep you in this relationship, you need to get out. You need to be honest with her and make a clean break.

Good luck,
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Old 04-10-2012, 01:40 PM   #4
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Re: Am I causing the issue?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knishie View Post
I have attracted abusive men most of my life. Somehow, they see me coming. This time, I have met a woman who I believe to be a truly fine individual morally.

After about two months, she started pressuring me to "come out". I would prefer a man and didn't want, in my tiny community, to be labeled as something that didn't feel like a complete fit just yet.

She started to say that she couldn't trust someone that was lying to people. I wasn't lying to anybody as nobody asked me any questions. Regardless, I was not lying about anything to her. She began to look at my call logs on my phone, read my e-mails and got angry, really angry when I was online with friends or looking at Facebook. She questioned and accused me of seeing men every day that I wasn't with her. I have not dated anybody in years and wasn't looking for anybody when I met her. She now gets angry, very angry easily. She loses her temper daily and screams, name calls and grabs my arm or puts herself in front of me to stop me from wherever I am going. She says her anger is situational because by not publicly claiming her, I am making her insecure and causing this temper issue. She said she has never been this way before with anybody because she has never been a "dirty little secret". If I ask a male employee at a store for assistance, she gets angry. She wants a list of my relatives so she knows which men are actually related to me as though I am interested in virtually any man on earth. The meaner she gets and the more she demands me to do what I am not yet ready to do, the more she pushes me away. Her anger flare-ups are constant, they end quickly and then she acts as though nothing has happened where I feel bruised and angry. She has grabbed my arm hard enough to give me a black and blue mark, she has hit me in the head with a pillow and said the most horrible things. Yet I know she doesn't mean the things she says, but she does it to hurt when she is hurt. She attributes to her "Irish temper."

On the other side, she is honest, hard working, a good person with a tragic past, wonderful to my mother and family, and what you see is what you get. I am so fearful of hurting her because she has already been so terribly hurt and abused as a youngster. She doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, but she does and I feel stuck. She has so many wonderful traits but the control issue and temper have left me feeling like a prisoner in my own home and even a little fearful once or twice.

Is this just a bad temper or abuse? I know that it seems like abuse yet she has me convinced that she is truly a very honest and decent person with this glaring flaw caused by my inability to claim her yet. My decision is if it is a fatal flaw. I am not madly in love with her. I do love her I enjoy being with her. She can be wonderful company and can quickly turn into nightmarish company, which subsides quickly. She is the only person that I have been with in so long and I am fearful that she may be my last chance at happiness. I have also stayed because I cannot bear to hurt her. She came into this honestly thinking I would have no problem claiming her publicly. I wouldn't if I was sure this was right for me and I wonder if I did claim her, would this temper issue cease?

I am so very lost right now I can barely breathe. I asked for a few weeks apart as the other morning, she got angry over nothing, she doesn't even know what set her off, and she made a fist. She didn't do anything with it, but I was very upset by it and said I wanted space. The build-up of all the events has left me wanting some serious time alone. I said I wanted three weeks apart and we went to see a psychologist, hers, to talk about it and he agreed she should give me this space and explained to her that her behavior was inappropriate. She has since called every day. Today she came over to get her mail while I was out and she cleaned my kitchen and left me flowers in my room. It would seem nice, yet on the other hand, it isn't respecting the time I so sorely need. It feels manipulative.

She says if I leave her, she will hate me forever and know that she misjudged me as another person who just used her. I did not use her. I actually supported her for the entire past year including driving her to and from trade school. She was incarcerated for DUI and I helped her get back into life, get a trade, a car and a job. She has spent all her time with me, which is suffocating and hasn't found new friends because she says she can't while I am not out as she does not want to lie to them. She says that my inability to claim her has left in worse shape than when she was incarcerated and that I make her feel like her grandfather did as a child because of the "secret". She says I am destroying her.

In the past, I have tried to end the relationship and just can't for some reason. I just can't hurt her. I have wished that she would leave me, but she won't. I am so so stuck. I don't know why I can't leave and when I do, she does something to hurt herself like get drunk, which could put her back in prison, yell, scream, make threats to "out" me, which she later rescinds, shows up at my house and calls repeatedly until I can't have my phone on the hook.

I know I sound nuts asking this, but is it possible that this is truly because I am making her insecure? I believe she should be able to control her temper regardless of our relationship status and I feel abused and icky, yet she realizes her issues, makes changes and does change some of the bad behavior. She is apologetic and there has definitely been some improvement, albeit slow. She is going to a psychologist now to work on anger management but wants an answer about my coming out which I am not ready to give. I am just not there.

I need some outside advice. She IS a good person. I know that this is making her wildly insecure, though I have not done anything that should make her feel that way. Is it possible if I did come out that this behavior would go away and we could be happy? Am I giving up a chance at happiness with a good person? I am so confused and stuck that I feel as though I could explode and sometimes wish I would. Please let me know what you think. Everyone loves her and thinks she is marvelous but they have not seen her temper nor do they know the extent to which she wants to control who I see or what I do.

She swears this has never ever been her behavior before with anybody else. She was in three long-term relationships before me and she swears this has never been an issue. What do I do? Please, please help me. I am not insane. I'm pretty normal, work well at a great job and have nice friends. You'd never look at me and expect that this was going on behind the scenes. I am open to anything you have to say. Thank you.
Knishie hi,

I am replying to you rather late as I have just seen your post.

You are not making your friend insecure. She IS very insecure.
She has no right to demand that you ''come out'' she does not own you, she is not your mother nor your father.
She has no right to be verbally abusive to you, she has no right to squeeze your arm until it is black & blue. She has no right to threaten you.

Knishie, you are in an abusive relationship & the faster you get out of it & away from this woman, the better you & your sanity will be.

I wish you good luck & hope you have the strength to prevail.

Haydena.

 
Old 04-10-2012, 02:00 PM   #5
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Re: Am I causing the issue?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knishie View Post
I have attracted abusive men most of my life. Somehow, they see me coming. This time, I have met a woman who I believe to be a truly fine individual morally.
In my life, I have met a few women who think they are righteous and because they are so right, they can accuse people with ridiculous suspicion and abuse. It is not self-hate or stress, it is the value system that goes wrong. These people feel that they are so right that anything other people do must be wrong and should be suspected. Better yet, they want to attack it before it goes further and blah blah blah. It ends up that they harrass other people and yet no one blames them and send them to the police. Most of the times, people offer sympathy to the angry person and tell the other party to move on or forgive. Some people even say befriend the person or you have a loss.
I do not buy this. The person causes people hurt and lower self-esteem and she offers no respect. She claims it is you who need to earn it. It is just not true. One person does not hurt the other person because everyone has a right to live in decency without being harrassed all the time.

Hugs,
Nina

 
Old 04-18-2012, 12:05 PM   #6
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Re: Am I causing the issue?

Okay lets start with the title question, the answer is NO.

Everyone has to set their own standards of what they will and won't accept from a partner and needs to be honest with themselves and their partners. When we set standards we need to seek out people who meet those standards, not force people to meet them. Mind you there is always the room for growth but we need to be honest about growth in that area being a requirement. Realistic goals need to be set. If they are not met we need to take the time to evaluate the situation, the needs and concerns of both parties. Notice how bullying and manipulating where not part of the process.

You mentioned being in a series of abusive relationships with men, but it doesn't seem to be with just men. YOU ARE IN an abusive relationship. Sure, you two have done some good for one another, but it also seems as though your relationship is a bit toxic.

It's time for some serious evaluation.
At this point it doesn't sound like you are meeting enough of each others needs and have a lot of personal work to do. You are not responsible for her actions, but you are responsible for setting guidelines, boundries and consequences.

She needs to deal with those insecurities, and her anger. She needs to stop the self destructive behavior (drinking when upset as an example you gave). She needs be learn respect, responsibility, self control, and accountability.

You need to work on self worth, being okay with someone not liking you (you seem bothered by the fact that she said she would "hate you forever" were you two to split). You need to set standards and boundries that don't include abusive behavior. Spend some time finding yourself. Gay, Straight, or Bi you need to be comfortable with yourself. I highly suggest that you both seek out some form of therapy and I think some form of martial arts would be great for you perhaps even both of you.

If you two choose to stay together, she needs to let go of demanding that you come out. Deal with her insecurities. You two should come up with a term/statement to define your relationship publicly. You don't have to explain yourselves too much, it can be as simple as "we are very close and neither of us is in a position to date at this point in time. That's all I'm choosing to say about it.". You need to agree to seek therapy. You need to set boundries and consequences. I think the both of you need someone you agree that you trust to lay it all out on the table for. Someone who you as a couple can go to and say, "does this sound reasonable?" But this list is just the tip of the iceberg. But above all, ABUSE ENDS NOW. Say it with me ABUSE ENDS NOW.

Should you decide that enough is enough, or too much needs to be done to make it work, or what ever the reason... Continue on the path to a healthier you. It is okay to break up with her. It's even okay to get a restraining order and to notify her therapist of self destructive threats. Just know, what she does is on her, not on you.

Okay my feet are hurting from standing on this soapbox for so long. You are the only one who can decide what is in your best interests and what you are willing to put into something.

I wish you health and happiness.

 
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