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Old 01-19-2012, 09:10 AM   #1
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Knishie HB User
I don't know if I am the victim or the cause of the problem

I have attracted abusive men most of my life. Somehow, they see me coming. This time, I have met a person who I believe to be a truly fine individual morally. This time, it's a woman. I am older, in my late fifties and my curiosity was piqued. We got together and it was okay. I don't much care about sex; she was like a best friend with benefits now and then. Not the main part of the relationship. After about two months, she started pressuring me to "come out". I said I would once I was sure that this relationship was for me but that I wasn't ready. If I was not seeing her, I would prefer a man and didn't want, in my tiny community, to be labeled as something that didn't feel like a complete fit just yet.

She started to say that she couldn't trust someone that was lying to people. I wasn't lying to anybody as nobody asked me any questions. Regardless, I was not lying about anything to her. She began to look at my call logs on my phone, read my e-mails and got angry, really angry when I was online with friends or looking at Facebook. She questioned who each person is and kept saying that I was just looking for "dick", and accusing me of seeing men every day that I wasn't with her. When the pillow on the other side of the bed fell on the floor, she was sure some man had left there after spending the night. This is one of many many accusations, none of them true. I have not dated anybody in years and wasn't looking for anybody when I met her. She now gets angry, very angry easily. She loses her temper daily and screams, name calls and grabs my arm or puts herself in front of me to stop me from wherever I am going. She says her anger is situational because by not publicly claiming her, I am making her insecure and causing this temper issue. She said she has never been this way before with anybody because she has never been a "dirty little secret". If I ask a male employee at a store for assistance, she gets angry. She wants a list of my relatives so she knows which men are actually related to me as though I am interested in virtually any man on earth. The meaner she gets and the more she demands me to do what I am not yet ready to do, the more she pushes me away. Her anger flare-ups are constant, they end quickly and then she acts as though nothing has happened where I feel bruised and angry. She has grabbed my arm hard enough to give me a black and blue mark, she has hit me in the head with a pillow and said the most horrible things. Yet I know she doesn't mean the things she says, but she does it to hurt when she is hurt. She attributes to her "Irish temper."

On the other side, she is honest, hard working, a good person with a tragic past, wonderful to my mother and family, and what you see is what you get. I am so fearful of hurting her because she has already been so terribly hurt and abused as a youngster. She was sexually abused by her grandfather and passed around by him to his friends to pay his gambling debts as a young, young girl. She has been addicted to drugs and lived on the streets in her worst days. She has come so very far and is a productive hard working person today. She does mean to hurt my feelings, but she does and I feel stuck. She has so many wonderful traits but the control issue and temper have left me feeling like a prisoner in my own home and even a little fearful once or twice.

Is this just a bad temper or abuse? I know that it seems like abuse yet she has me convinced that she is truly a very honest and decent person with this glaring flaw caused by my inability to claim her yet. My decision is if it is a fatal flaw. I am not madly in love with her. I do love her I enjoy being with her. She can be wonderful company and can quickly turn into nightmarish company, which subsides quickly. She is the only person that I have been with in so long and I am fearful that she may be my last chance at happiness. I have also stayed because I cannot bear to hurt her. She came into this honestly thinking I would have no problem claiming her publicly. I wouldn't if I was sure this was right for me and I wonder if I did claim her, would this temper issue cease? I am so very lost right now I can barely breathe. I asked for a few weeks apart as the other morning, she got angry over nothing, she doesn't even know what set her off, and she made a fist. She didn't do anything with it, but I was very upset by it and said I wanted space. The build-up of all the events has left me wanting some serious time alone. I said I wanted three weeks apart and we went to see a psychologist, hers, to talk about it and he agreed she should give me this space and explained to her that her behavior was inappropriate. She has since called every day. Today she came over to get her mail while I was out and she cleaned my kitchen and left me flowers in my room. It would seem nice, yet on the other hand, it isn't respecting the time I so sorely need. It feels manipulative.

She says if I leave her, she will hate me forever and know that she misjudged me as another person who just used her. I did not use her. I actually supported her for the entire past year including driving her to and from trade school. She was incarcerated for DUI and I helped her get back into life, get a trade, a car and a job. She has spent all her time with me, which is suffocating and hasn't found new friends because she says she can't while I am not out as she does not want to lie to them. She says that my inability to claim her has left in worse shape than when she was incarcerated and that I make her feel like her grandfather did as a child because of the "secret". She says I am destroying her.

In the past, I have tried to end the relationship and just can't for some reason. I just can't hurt her. I have wished that she would leave me, but she won't. I am so so stuck. I don't know why I can't leave and when I do, she does something to hurt herself like get drunk, which could put her back in prison, yell, scream, make threats to "out" me, which she later rescinds, shows up at my house and calls repeatedly until I can't have my phone on the hook.

I know I sound nuts asking this, but is it possible that this is truly because I am making her insecure? I believe she should be able to control her temper regardless of our relationship status and I feel abused and icky, yet she realizes her issues, makes changes and does change some of the bad behavior. She is apologetic and there has definitely been some improvement, albeit slow. She is going to a psychologist now to work on anger management but wants an answer about my coming out which I am not ready to give. I am just not there. I need some outside advice. She IS a good person. I know that this is making her wildly insecure, though I have not done anything that should make her feel that way. Is it possible if I did come out that this behavior would go away and we could be happy? Am I giving up a chance at happiness with a good person? I am so confused and stuck that I feel as though I could explode and sometimes wish I would. Please let me know what you think. Everyone loves her and thinks she is marvelous but they have not seen her temper nor do they know the extent to which she wants to control who I see or what I do. She swears this has never ever been her behavior before with anybody else. She was in three long-term relationships before me and she swears this has never been an issue. What do I do? Please, please help me. I am not insane. I'm pretty normal, work well at a great job and have nice friends. You'd never look at me and expect that this was going on behind the scenes. I am open to anything you have to say. Thank you.

 
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Knishie
Haydena (01-30-2012), R2W (01-20-2012)
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Old 01-30-2012, 06:51 PM   #2
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Re: I don't know if I am the victim or the cause of the problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by Knishie View Post
I have attracted abusive men most of my life. Somehow, they see me coming. This time, I have met a person who I believe to be a truly fine individual morally. This time, it's a woman. I am older, in my late fifties and my curiosity was piqued. We got together and it was okay. I don't much care about sex; she was like a best friend with benefits now and then. Not the main part of the relationship. After about two months, she started pressuring me to "come out". I said I would once I was sure that this relationship was for me but that I wasn't ready. If I was not seeing her, I would prefer a man and didn't want, in my tiny community, to be labeled as something that didn't feel like a complete fit just yet.

She started to say that she couldn't trust someone that was lying to people. I wasn't lying to anybody as nobody asked me any questions. Regardless, I was not lying about anything to her. She began to look at my call logs on my phone, read my e-mails and got angry, really angry when I was online with friends or looking at Facebook. She questioned who each person is and kept saying that I was just looking for "dick", and accusing me of seeing men every day that I wasn't with her. When the pillow on the other side of the bed fell on the floor, she was sure some man had left there after spending the night. This is one of many many accusations, none of them true. I have not dated anybody in years and wasn't looking for anybody when I met her. She now gets angry, very angry easily. She loses her temper daily and screams, name calls and grabs my arm or puts herself in front of me to stop me from wherever I am going. She says her anger is situational because by not publicly claiming her, I am making her insecure and causing this temper issue. She said she has never been this way before with anybody because she has never been a "dirty little secret". If I ask a male employee at a store for assistance, she gets angry. She wants a list of my relatives so she knows which men are actually related to me as though I am interested in virtually any man on earth. The meaner she gets and the more she demands me to do what I am not yet ready to do, the more she pushes me away. Her anger flare-ups are constant, they end quickly and then she acts as though nothing has happened where I feel bruised and angry. She has grabbed my arm hard enough to give me a black and blue mark, she has hit me in the head with a pillow and said the most horrible things. Yet I know she doesn't mean the things she says, but she does it to hurt when she is hurt. She attributes to her "Irish temper."

On the other side, she is honest, hard working, a good person with a tragic past, wonderful to my mother and family, and what you see is what you get. I am so fearful of hurting her because she has already been so terribly hurt and abused as a youngster. She was sexually abused by her grandfather and passed around by him to his friends to pay his gambling debts as a young, young girl. She has been addicted to drugs and lived on the streets in her worst days. She has come so very far and is a productive hard working person today. She does mean to hurt my feelings, but she does and I feel stuck. She has so many wonderful traits but the control issue and temper have left me feeling like a prisoner in my own home and even a little fearful once or twice.

Is this just a bad temper or abuse? I know that it seems like abuse yet she has me convinced that she is truly a very honest and decent person with this glaring flaw caused by my inability to claim her yet. My decision is if it is a fatal flaw. I am not madly in love with her. I do love her I enjoy being with her. She can be wonderful company and can quickly turn into nightmarish company, which subsides quickly. She is the only person that I have been with in so long and I am fearful that she may be my last chance at happiness. I have also stayed because I cannot bear to hurt her. She came into this honestly thinking I would have no problem claiming her publicly. I wouldn't if I was sure this was right for me and I wonder if I did claim her, would this temper issue cease? I am so very lost right now I can barely breathe. I asked for a few weeks apart as the other morning, she got angry over nothing, she doesn't even know what set her off, and she made a fist. She didn't do anything with it, but I was very upset by it and said I wanted space. The build-up of all the events has left me wanting some serious time alone. I said I wanted three weeks apart and we went to see a psychologist, hers, to talk about it and he agreed she should give me this space and explained to her that her behavior was inappropriate. She has since called every day. Today she came over to get her mail while I was out and she cleaned my kitchen and left me flowers in my room. It would seem nice, yet on the other hand, it isn't respecting the time I so sorely need. It feels manipulative.

She says if I leave her, she will hate me forever and know that she misjudged me as another person who just used her. I did not use her. I actually supported her for the entire past year including driving her to and from trade school. She was incarcerated for DUI and I helped her get back into life, get a trade, a car and a job. She has spent all her time with me, which is suffocating and hasn't found new friends because she says she can't while I am not out as she does not want to lie to them. She says that my inability to claim her has left in worse shape than when she was incarcerated and that I make her feel like her grandfather did as a child because of the "secret". She says I am destroying her.

In the past, I have tried to end the relationship and just can't for some reason. I just can't hurt her. I have wished that she would leave me, but she won't. I am so so stuck. I don't know why I can't leave and when I do, she does something to hurt herself like get drunk, which could put her back in prison, yell, scream, make threats to "out" me, which she later rescinds, shows up at my house and calls repeatedly until I can't have my phone on the hook.

I know I sound nuts asking this, but is it possible that this is truly because I am making her insecure? I believe she should be able to control her temper regardless of our relationship status and I feel abused and icky, yet she realizes her issues, makes changes and does change some of the bad behavior. She is apologetic and there has definitely been some improvement, albeit slow. She is going to a psychologist now to work on anger management but wants an answer about my coming out which I am not ready to give. I am just not there. I need some outside advice. She IS a good person. I know that this is making her wildly insecure, though I have not done anything that should make her feel that way. Is it possible if I did come out that this behavior would go away and we could be happy? Am I giving up a chance at happiness with a good person? I am so confused and stuck that I feel as though I could explode and sometimes wish I would. Please let me know what you think. Everyone loves her and thinks she is marvelous but they have not seen her temper nor do they know the extent to which she wants to control who I see or what I do. She swears this has never ever been her behavior before with anybody else. She was in three long-term relationships before me and she swears this has never been an issue. What do I do? Please, please help me. I am not insane. I'm pretty normal, work well at a great job and have nice friends. You'd never look at me and expect that this was going on behind the scenes. I am open to anything you have to say. Thank you.
Knishie hi,

I see that nobody answered you here & I feel you need help fast.
(I am on another thread-arthritis)

The woman you are involved with is a control freak, abusive & wants to take complete control of you & your life.

The fact that you are questioning her motives here shows you have a good solid feeling that she is not the right partner for you & something is very wrong in your life.

I too am very open minded & believe in the freedom of choice for partners.
You sound very normal to me & no, you are not insane because deep down you know she is not for you.

No matter how many times she promises you that she will change, she wont because a leopard does not change his spots. NEVER.

Knishie, you need to get away from this woman as fast as you can because she will make your life a living hell. You are the victim.

I was in an abusive marriage (to a man) for 15 years, so I do have some experience.

Any questions you wish to ask me please dont hesitate.
Hugs,
Haydena.

Last edited by Haydena; 01-30-2012 at 06:53 PM.

 
Old 01-30-2012, 07:15 PM   #3
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Re: I don't know if I am the victim or the cause of the problem

I think you may be questioning your own judgement in this case simply because she's a woman....could that be?
would you even be asking this question if she was a man? I don't think so because it would be clear that this is abuse....man, woman, it doesn't matter, she's abusive and controlling. I believe this woman has borderline personality disorder.....have you ever heard of it? if not, look it up.....it stems from a fear of abandonment. Sufferers frequently have been sexually abused in the past, abuse drugs or alcohol, and have anger management problems, and darn near anything can turn them from a kittycat into a roaring tiger. It's a personality disorder.....not just a character flaw. Please get away from this woman for your own sanity and safety. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, and if she feels the need to, and has to pressure you to get her way, she's not right for you, and that's an understatement!

Last edited by rosequartz; 01-30-2012 at 07:15 PM.

 
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