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Old 02-12-2012, 03:59 PM   #1
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Codependent and BPD - Toxic relationship

My BF and I have a co-dependent relationship. It is affecting us both in different ways and very negatively. We have intense fights that end with one of us insulting the other, kicking the other out, or crying uncontrollably.

It's been a turbulent R from the beginning. I was concerned and started therapy - was quickly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and put on medication. He started therapy but claims no diagnosis although from my own research I would say he's got some narcissistic personality traits.

My unpredictable temper and outbursts (he says) conditioned him to lie to me about things he thought would make me mad. Because for the 1s year he was going through a divorce, we kept our R quiet and completely separate from his friends, family, and co-workers. I was more open about him in my life with my friends but the nature of the R ultimately distanced me from my friends. We lived in a bubble and as time went on became more and more emotionally dependent on each other - even during the fights.

After our last fight and (temporary) break up I lost my senses and became very aggressive and violent towards him. After a long day of fighting and aggression on my part he wouldn't open the door for me when I showed up to his house. In my rage I wanted to hurt him but because I couldn't I went home and took 2 bottles of anti-anxiety medication. Realizing what I had done, I called 911 and he rest is a blur (ambulance, intake, treatment). He was notified by a neighbor friend that I had been taken to the hospital and showed up. The next day he was angry at me. Said I took the pills to manipulate him. We broke up. I continued therapy and then about a month later we got back together. It's been a month of both of us trying hard to make things work but my BPD triggers continue to activate. He looks uncomfortable around me sometimes and still excludes me from social/public life even though we're now dating openly (after 1 year).

We're now about 3 months short of a 2-year relationship. He is not divorced yet. He admitted to me that he is constantly worried about my wellbeing, that he isn' 100% sure he wants to be in the relationship but that he is willing to try to make it work. I am feeling insecure about who I am to him and am beginning to feel depressed, anxious, paranoid again. Triggers.

When things are good, we have so much fun and are so affectionate with each other. We spend a lot of time together and literally sleep with our bodies tangled up and holding each other tight, and our faces as though we were kissing. BUT when it's bad, it's bad.

I need advice from you all. Please!

 
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Old 04-09-2012, 10:32 AM   #2
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Re: Codependent and BPD - Toxic relationship

I think maybe you are not compatible with each other. It may not go as far as co-dependency unless you allow it to happen.
It is mutual. If he is self-centered, you cannot live with it. It would not help you.
I know a few relationships when father-son has this dominant theme. e.g., my FIL is always self-centered about his own work. So intense that he wanted the relatives in the house to echo with him and called it "colleague" or "working together". The fact is it was just his own doing. Other people just responded politely. Still he took it seriously because my husband never said no clearly. I think my husband wants to get the compliment as well. But he has to be in his dad's world to get that.

The way I see it is, if you are now an adult, you can choose to keep a distance when the person demands something unreasonable. Say no or keep a distance or break up. Don't tolerate it. Sometimes it just takes one dominant figure to do that.
One hand won't make the clap. So if you don't want a bad relationship to happen, don't make the clap. Stay away when you need to say no about some issues. You may not be compatible.

For father-son or mother-kid codependence, it is different because a child has no choice. For adults, we have more choices. I never gave in to my FIL about his work so we had conflicts about that. Now he has severe Alzheimer's so it does not matter now. However, it did affect my husband and he gets more stressful as the result and he is shy.

Good luck,
Nina

Last edited by ninamarc; 04-09-2012 at 10:34 AM.

 
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