HolyMoly

Hi shoegal,
I like your name because I love shoes!

Good for you that you came to this board from realizing you have a part in the dysfunction in your relationship, and that you want to do something about it. Realizing that trying to help isn't always helpful is a wonderful thing to understand. We cannot change or control what other people feel, whether it's depression or joy. Where they are at is in their own makeup, DNA, patterns, will, choices, experiences.

There is much to be said about accepting people at face value. If they are not right now what we want to see in them, then we need to be realistic about what kind of relationship we really want with them.

You are on your way to much better relating, now!

Yes I can relate. I was years into my marriage before I began to understand my role in relationship to my spouse; in this case I had ignored what were blatant signs that are now only obvious in hindsight. Because we are married with kids and our lives were so entwined it has been a grueling process to change the dynamic and for me it required separation. I had to stop trying to advise or help in any way and let him stand or fall on his own. It was the hardest thing I ever have done. Not so much because I thought I could shore him up, but because it meant I had to face and deal with my own insecurities, dependence, and personal problems. It made me look at my own self.

First, lets get it clear that we cannot help another person change. We can guide a dependent child. We cannot help an adult because helping is effectively telling them they are a dependent child. It backfires. We are not respecting ourselves or the other adult if we try to help them grow up. Helping amounts to telling them they cannot change themselves, that they are not responsible, that we are the one responsible. No matter how we say it, that is the undermining codependent message we give out of our own fear of loss, being alone, etc.

We need to tell the truth that we adults are responsible for ourselves, and we alone are responsible for ourselves. I cannot emphasize this enough. We need to learn what loving and taking care of our own selves means before we will be able to co-exist with a significant other in a healthy, respectful manner.

I would love to say that I now act on this fact in every way. Of course my own actions don't always match my words because I am still growing in this. I try to practice admitting when I am doing it wrong in order to reinforce responsible adult behavior in myself. I say practice, because I am still growing & exercising.

We can only change ourselves. Your friend is a grown up and he can make his own decisions and change himself if he wants to do the work.

He needs to pay attention to his own conscience and not fix himself for you or anyone but for himself. So the more you stay out of the picture during this acutely important period of time the better. You might tell him one time that you realize you have your own recovery to work on and that you are going to concentrate on that now.

Then after you say that, do leave him alone and work on yourself. Women's Crisis centers have marvelous support groups where we can be silent or share. It can be astonishing to listen to the sharing and see ourselves in what others say about themselves. It is really eye-opening.

By the way, it is important to understand that the steps are not something to be gotten through. The steps have to be repeated for the rest of our lives. At some point they just become part of who we are and we see we have become basically healthy minded adults!