Good morning everyone! Well, I wish it were better. I'm struggling tremendously. I feel it in every which way, mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like no matter how I try to help myself, it's not working and I'm losing no matter what. I haven't been on medication in a few years. During that time, I worked so hard in therapy and began to understand a lot of where my depression/anxiety comes from. I was so proud of myself. Within the last year, more issues began to surface. I think it may be time to go back on meds. I also have GREAT difficulty during my menstrual cycle. I have PPMD, which makes me severly depressed from midcyle on. The symptoms are awful. So, as much as I don't want to be on anything, I can't live how I'm living.
It became clear that my role in my family was/is the main reason I've had issues with depression. It mostly stems from my brother and how my parents enabled him all of his life. I put my life on hold to help everyone else, always afraid something was going to happen. Now I feel I will never find happiness. I'm at a breaking point now where I can't stand it anymore but I can't get passed the anger. My brother is selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself. It breaks my heart because I feel like an only child. He pretty much only contacts me when he needs something. We go in spurts. Things will be good for a while but something will happen and we won't have contact for weeks/months. Just yesterday, he contacted me for the first time in weeks, because he needed a ride. I wanted to spit fire. I can't be his doormat anymore but he will probably NEVER realize how his actions hurt me. I've tried, on occasion to explain this to him, but he pretty much disregards it. Yet I know he has so many issues of his own, that he won't acknowledge. As much as he angers me most of the time, he's my only sibling, and I worry about him. It makes me so depressed because I can't fix any of it and I feel guilty trying to live my life.....eventhough he just keeps living his. Not that I think he's happy because I don't think he is. I think he's a hot mess.
I've realized that he is the reason my relationships with men don't work. It's almost like when people have issues, later in life, because of a parent. He had such control in my family, growing up, that my issues stem from him. I'm trying to change a few things in my life: how I handle my brother and I'm trying to put myself out there to meet new people. I've gone out with 2 people this summer, none of which worked. So I feel nothing is working. I'm trying to take charge but can't see the positive. This is pushing me further and further down. I'm sad all the time. I cry, at some point, everyday. I'm filled with such anger and sadness and I hate it. I want to know the point of my life. I'm sad that I made so much progress and feel I'm regressing. Not that I'm going to do anything to myself but I'm running out of strength. I feel lost and alone and don't know how to catch myself.