Good morning everyone! Well, I wish it were better. I'm struggling tremendously. I feel it in every which way, mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like no matter how I try to help myself, it's not working and I'm losing no matter what. I haven't been on medication in a few years. During that time, I worked so hard in therapy and began to understand a lot of where my depression/anxiety comes from. I was so proud of myself. Within the last year, more issues began to surface. I think it may be time to go back on meds. I also have GREAT difficulty during my menstrual cycle. I have PPMD, which makes me severly depressed from midcyle on. The symptoms are awful. So, as much as I don't want to be on anything, I can't live how I'm living.
It became clear that my role in my family was/is the main reason I've had issues with depression. It mostly stems from my brother and how my parents enabled him all of his life. I put my life on hold to help everyone else, always afraid something was going to happen. Now I feel I will never find happiness. I'm at a breaking point now where I can't stand it anymore but I can't get passed the anger. My brother is selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself. It breaks my heart because I feel like an only child. He pretty much only contacts me when he needs something. We go in spurts. Things will be good for a while but something will happen and we won't have contact for weeks/months. Just yesterday, he contacted me for the first time in weeks, because he needed a ride. I wanted to spit fire. I can't be his doormat anymore but he will probably NEVER realize how his actions hurt me. I've tried, on occasion to explain this to him, but he pretty much disregards it. Yet I know he has so many issues of his own, that he won't acknowledge. As much as he angers me most of the time, he's my only sibling, and I worry about him. It makes me so depressed because I can't fix any of it and I feel guilty trying to live my life.....eventhough he just keeps living his. Not that I think he's happy because I don't think he is. I think he's a hot mess.
I've realized that he is the reason my relationships with men don't work. It's almost like when people have issues, later in life, because of a parent. He had such control in my family, growing up, that my issues stem from him. I'm trying to change a few things in my life: how I handle my brother and I'm trying to put myself out there to meet new people. I've gone out with 2 people this summer, none of which worked. So I feel nothing is working. I'm trying to take charge but can't see the positive. This is pushing me further and further down. I'm sad all the time. I cry, at some point, everyday. I'm filled with such anger and sadness and I hate it. I want to know the point of my life. I'm sad that I made so much progress and feel I'm regressing. Not that I'm going to do anything to myself but I'm running out of strength. I feel lost and alone and don't know how to catch myself.
Dear Will I Be Happy, You will be but you need to get support. You are not alone in your predicament. There are others out there who have a parent, sibling, child with dysfunctional behavior that affects the whole family. It is a boundary issue. Get the book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Also, if you are suffering during your cycle, there is a hormonal imbalance. You would benefit from a doctor who prescribes bio-identical hormones. Also, have your thyroid and adrenals checked out. Talk to a nutritionist. Our diets are can help of hinder us. Keep us posted!
I agree with the person who responded to you. Read Boundaries which really helped me in my life and I try not to be around toxic or people who are takers like your brother. I don't have any siblings and yet I have some good friends who are positive with me and tell me honestly if I'm going in the wrong or right direction. They are supportive and I support them. I was angry with my dad for many years because he ignored me after my mom died when I was 12 years of age and there was a huge disconnect with him but as I grew up I realized that he had his issues and pain during those times and I chose to forgive him but still didn't want to be too close to him since he criticized a lot of things that I did. We have to get positive support, good friends and good hormone therapy if that is what is needed to pull ourselves from being the victim to being a victor in our situations. I hope you will find a way to forgive not only your brother and parents and find other friends who can be there for you to encourage and love you for who you are. Your brother will be fine and will find others to help him. Find a community of people you can be a part of and feel accepted in. God bless.
Thank you for your response. I will definitely look into getting the book. I sobbed in therapy today. It's so hard to make needed changes. I'm hoping it eases. I'm looking into going back on some medication, to help me with the changes I need to make. It's an awful feeling to feel you you are responsible for other people but know you're not. It's an awful feeling to feel you go above and beyond, to never get the same treatment back. It's draining. It's hard to feel you are the only one to see the problem. I feel like it's me against the world.