Re: Realization That I Am SO Codependent
THe grief sounds very natural, after all as a co dependent your wellbeing is based upon satisfying another.
And by putting your own needs first you are behaving in a healthy way, but you have to suffer the emotional consequences, these emotions are the same emotions which impacted on you in childhood when you were compelled by your caregiver to put their needs first, hence creating the codependent you. these emotions are healthy and a counselor would probably offer you help in managing to sit with them so that you can come out the other side confident that you can survive this seperation trauma.
having satisfied yourself you can survive, you can use the knowledge to help you make decisions with yourself as a priority , and not with the fear of abandonment as your motivator.
It's possible of course that in refusing to follow her, you might trigger her 'abandonment' fears and she may not be able to leave you, and thus you have created a change in the relationship.
If this relationship is to succeed you need to be more authentic, and unfortunatly authenticity does include going solo as an option.
I empathise with your struggle and suggest trying some mindfullness tequniques, to help with the grief, and counseling to combat the codependency issues