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Old 06-07-2013, 08:33 AM   #1
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is this codependency?

Hi. I'm wondering if someone can please help me. I'm concerned that my husband and 5 year old son are codependent. I guess I am feeling that they are obsessed with each other in an unhealthy way. My son is a pleasure to be around when it is just me but when my husband comes home he is whiny and acts out. My husband spends every free second with him and on his off days is constantly entertaining him. He waits until the kids are not at home or are sleeping sleepingto shower or do jobs around the house. When my son was first born I was not allowed to bathe him or take him for haircuts without his dad. I am a stay at home mom and to this day my husband takes the day off of work to go to the kids regular check ups. What has finally pushed me over the edge was last night my son wouldn't participate in his preschool graduation because he "wanted to stay with daddy". My husbands off days always have to revolve around what the kids want to do or some child centered activity. It takes a terrible toll on our marriage. He has even told me he doesnt see us having sex with the kids in the house. he will, but we hardly ever. When tbe kids are in preschool is the only time he shows interest in doing anything with me. He has no hobbies and goes nowhere without our kids. We were invited to a wedding in maine and rather tben use the time to reconnect he wanted to take the kids along. He refused to go out of town for a three day business trip bc he didnt want to leave the kids. When the kids act up he says things like "i did a lot of nice things with u today. You had better be niceto me."
Am I crazy? Is this normal? His parents are definitely codependent and he is with them. He never went out with friends and his parents picked him up at college every weekend to bring him home.
I just dont want my kids to be like this. Im sure I rambled on and naybe some of this doesnt make sense. They are just some of the things i could remember off the top of my head. Please help me, i am at mybreaking point.

 
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Old 06-07-2013, 09:46 AM   #2
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Re: is this codependency?

it could be codependency......when you meet others needs to the exclusion of your own, that's the definition of co-dependency. I don't know if it's codependent or what, but it's definitely not healthy IMO!
it seems like he wants to be your kids "favorite" parent, and that's not right

 
Old 07-10-2013, 08:07 AM   #3
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Re: is this codependency?

I have a 5 year old son and he and his dad do things on the weekend (since he's busy working during the week). Maybe chalk it up to male bonding? I don't know if it's codependent. It could be if he has no other friends or hobbies and is using your son as his friend. Does he discipline him? Does he want to be his friend more than his parent? I see nothing wrong with him taking a shower and doing things around the house when he's sleeping. It's just easier that way. That's what I do. I also would prefer to bring my son on a vacation, but he should still be able to go on business trips without him. It's almost like he's acting like a single parent and you're just an accessory. At least he is interested in spending time with you when he's in preschool. I guess most of it seems okay to me (but then I'm on the codependent side), except for when you said he has no hobbies, wouldn't let you bathe him, take him for haircuts, go to the doctor with him, and that your son didn't want to go to his graduation. If you don't have alone time with your son, you can't bond with him. I kind of feel that way when my husband takes my son to the gym on the weekends. The weekends are the only time my husband can watch my daughter and when I could have alone time with my son. When they are off doing things it's like they are avoiding me and that gets me angry because it's like he's teaching our son to avoid me. On the other hand, I think boys relate to their fathers, and men male bond by doing activities together. But it seems like maybe your husband either doesn't trust you, or is a control freak. Can you talk to him about it? I know it can be very upsetting when you feel like you are being separated from your own kid. My son wants to still pee with his dad. When I try to get him to go pee, he doesn't want to. If his dad is not around, he'll pee by himself. When his dad is around, it's like he's reverting to not being able to pee by himself. I think it could be he just wants time with his dad but not in an appropriate way. When your son didn't want to go to the graduation, was it some other reason, like he was scared, and so he said he wanted his dad as an excuse?

 
Old 10-21-2013, 09:52 AM   #4
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Re: is this codependency?

Quote:
Originally Posted by formychild View Post
Hi. I'm wondering if someone can please help me. I'm concerned that my husband and 5 year old son are codependent. I guess I am feeling that they are obsessed with each other in an unhealthy way. My son is a pleasure to be around when it is just me but when my husband comes home he is whiny and acts out. My husband spends every free second with him and on his off days is constantly entertaining him. He waits until the kids are not at home or are sleeping sleepingto shower or do jobs around the house. When my son was first born I xwas not allowed to bathe him or take him for haircuts without his dad. I am a stay at home mom and to this day my husband takes the day off of work to go to the kids regular check ups. What has finally pushed me over the edge was last night my son wouldn't pacucu v rticipate in his preschoolso graduation because he "wanted to stay with daddy". My husbands off days always have to revolve around what the kids want to do or some child centered activity. It takes a terrible toll on our marriage. He has even told me he doesnt see us having sex with the kids in the house. he will, but we hardly ever. When tbe kids are in preschool is the only time he shows interest in doing anything with me. He has no hobbies and goes nowhere without our kids. We were invited to a wedding in maine and rather tben use the time to reconnect he wanted to take the kids along. He refused to go out of town for a three day business trip bc he didnt want to leave the kids. When the kids act up he says things like "i did a lot of nice things with u today. You had better be niceto me."
Am I crazy? Is this normal? His parents are definitely codependent and he is with them. He never went out with friends and his parents picked him up at college every weekend to bring him home.
I just dont want my kids to be like this. Im sure I rambled on and naybe some of this doesnt make sense. They are just some of the things i could remember off the top of my head. Please help me, i am at mybreaking point.

Hello,
My heart goes out to you. First i been married 28yrs. I know what it is to be codependent. All my relationships were codependent till it was pointed out to me and flaged as unhealthy to me and the other person. I was told to read( co dependent no more. ) i had to read that book 3 times for it to make any sense to me. I guess denial kept me from seeing that i was like that. I also have a therapist. Sounds like yas could benefit from one. I know this book can help. I also have abuse in my backgroundand a few things you said raised my red flag. I dont know what's going on, i just am reacting to what i read. Its just my perception based on very little information. I apologize in advance if i have offended you or any one else .

 
Old 10-21-2013, 02:23 PM   #5
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Re: is this codependency?

It's normal to an extent for a young boy to favor his father.

This seems a little more than that.

Best of luck to you....

 
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