being with someone when they die - Death & Dying Message Board

roach · 03-02-2003, 08:07 PM

Hi
I'd like to hear from some people that have been with a loved one when they have died; particularly cirrohsis.
I'd like to know exactly what happened, how they acted, etc.
This might be hard for some people to talk about but my dad passed from cirrohsis a month ago and it wasnt pretty.
I just feel it would help me some to be able to share with others what happened to our loved ones up until they passed....

Thanks
-r

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[This message has been edited by moderator2 (edited 03-02-2003).]

Beth Ann · 03-03-2003, 09:12 AM

Hi Roach,
First of all, let me say that I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to lung cancer almost 7 years ago. He only had it for 3 months (that we knew of - I'm sure he'd had it for a long time), and he had a hard time with it, and so did we. I was holding my dad's hand when he died. He was in the hospital, and hadn't been conscious (sp?) for a day or two. I knew that he didn't have much time left. When I was holding his hand, I was sitting on the bed with him, talking about all the things he did that brought good memories and made me happy. My dad and I had had some hard times while I was growing up, and I really think that he heard me while I was talking about all the good stuff. And I think it made it easier on him to "let go" knowing that I had forgiven him for all of the bad times. I'm sitting here crying while I type this. You'll have times like this too. Crying for good times, bad times, and for the loss. It took me at least a year to really be able to deal with it, but I still cry sometimes. Again, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I hope you are dealing with it okay.

FrJackHackett · 03-03-2003, 05:49 PM

I did a similar sort of thing with both my parents and with a few others. I'm quite certain that the dying person could hear and understand me even if they could respond only in the smallest way. The staff in hospitals, who experience many deaths, seem also to be of this opinion. Talking to a dying person, especially someone very close, can be a very positive experience, although it seems silly when stated as baldly as that. If the death is an expected one and there is sufficient time leading up to it, there can be a wonderful opening of the gates of communication. I know this was the case with both my parents.

I thought I had dealt well with the grief of my father's death, and by most standards I probably had, but what I didn't reckon on was the surprising fact that grief can affect someone physically. I experienced unaccountable weariness and a host of minor ailments and aches and pains which had no apparent physical cause. People seem to expect floods of tears for a week or two and then want you back to normal. That just isn't the way it happens. I found that I wasn't ready to talk about it at the time and soon afterwards, and then when I was ready to talk about it a few months later nobody wanted to listen.

[This message has been edited by FrJackHackett (edited 03-03-2003).]

roach · 03-03-2003, 08:10 PM

Thanks guys for posting.

I've had a really hard time with this. I too was with my dad until his least breath. He was in his bed, at our house. I woke up at 4:30 am and heard him grunting. I went in too see what he was doing.

My mom got out of bed to go to the restroom, while she was there I grabbed his hand and told him he's going home (heaven). I was crying as he stared at me with his eyes wide open, but he wasnt looking into my eyes.

It was like he was seing something that i didn't know was there.
Anyways, a couple minutes after my mom left the room, he was breathing really hard, then the blood just started pouring out of his mouth and nose.

He was dead so fast. Im glad I was with him until the end, but seeing this has really messed me up in the head.
I keep having nightmares and flashbacks of the blood and my dad suffering. Its been a month and I cant see ever getting over this...
What should I do?

FrJackHackett · 03-03-2003, 09:16 PM

I also had difficulty with many of the unpleasant physical and visual aspects of my father's decline and death.

I can't pretend to have instant answers for you and if you are really unhappy then professional counselling is always an option. What I can do is say how I dealt with it myself. For many weeks after his death these terrible images would spring to mind (which is hardly surprising, since he deteriorated abominably for a year) and we chose to look after him ourselves rather than commit him to a home.

The breakthrough came when I realised that these images were not the sum total of my dad and his life. Why, I asked myself, do I choose to keep on seeing him in that state when I have about fifty years of wonderful memories to play through ? The more I reflected on this, the more apparent it became that I was getting my own perspective hugely out of proportion. There is the fact of suffering, but there is also the fact of the end of suffering. To concentrate on moments of what Huxley called the "essential horror" to the exclusion of the beauty, the integrity, the mystery and wonder of the human being who was my father was simply wrong, even in the most prosaic terms.

Grief takes its own time and is different for all of us. At one month you probably have a long way to go but you WILL reach the farther shore in time and be able to look back without hurting. The fact that you are communicating on this forum is a very positive indication of your strength. Keep on communicating with those close to you and do not hesitate to seek counselling if you feel the need.