Losing A Parent So Young... - Death & Dying Message Board

DSide · 11-07-2004, 03:28 PM

Hi Guys,

In 2000, when I was 15 years old, My father was killed in a tragic car crash. It's been a real struggle over the last 4 years to deal with it. I think about him every single day.

Obviously when he died I was devestated. I'm one of those people who hide their feeling's really well and bottle it all up. After a few months or so I started to move on with my life, I finished school with only a few exam passes and basically just 'got on' in life over the last four years.

I feel like i've missed out on some of my teenage life, because I rarely go out clubbing with my friends, even though they always ask me and find myself wanting time to myself all the time. My mates seem to think i'm really anti-socail and i'm trying to start to improve that.

But its just the last couple of months, that my Dad's death is starting to 'come back' to torment me. I don't really have anyone in my family to talk to as they are more interested in my brother's life than mine, and I don't really like talking to anyone about my Dad's death. I'm 20 years old and am starting to think i'm going off the rails. I know my Dad's death affected other members of my family more than me when he died, but now it's really starting to 'hit me' that he's never coming back.

Is it possible to suffer from a delayed berevment process or something. I feel so depressed lately and have started drinking to ease out the problems.

Thanks,

Ryan

annonymousgirl · 11-07-2004, 03:46 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. My band director died this morning, and it's been tough for me. So, I somewhat know what your going through, but I can't even imagine how you feel. But I sincerely hope that things get better for you, maybe writing your thoughts down in a journal would make you feel better. I don't know.. I'm trying to figure out how to handle this crisis, but.. it seems hopeless. I also think that maybe talking about it to a close friend, or relative would make you feel better. Well, I hope your ok.

Sincerely,
Robyn

Typical Girlie · 11-08-2004, 03:15 AM

Hi
My own mother died very suddenly of a brain aneurism around 5 years ago and while I am significantly older than you at 36, I found the loss of her at just 52, too much to bear.

I don't think it's something you ever get over just something you learn to live with. Much like you, i think i was able to, to block it out somewhat for years and every now and again, i get waves of depression hitting me. Usually after I've had an emotional high, will come a terrible low and there's no guarantee how short or long it will last. If you have no one to talk to i would strongly suggest you seek counselling, at least to get it off your chest...cry...vent....hurt....heal.

This is a lifetime situation for you I'm afraid and for the rest of your life to some degree you will have pain over this, of course as years go on it subsides somewhat, but you're never over the 'what ifs'.

My mother lost her father herself when he was 48 and she was just 16. Even up until the week before she died, she still talked about him and had a little cry over it. I have no doubt that I will still have a little cry myself during the next 30, 40 years or whatever.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, especially at your age, it's so unfair.

mismax · 11-08-2004, 05:55 AM

I can completely relate to what you are going through. My mother passed away when I was 14. Yes it is completely normal to grieve for a long time and to only have it "hit" you a few years later. I didn't realize how much I was holding in and how much my mom's death affected me until my second year in university. All went to hell that year and same as you I started to party and drink a lot more. Needless to say I learned that that is not the way to deal with this. In all honesty the best thing to do is don't try to ignore your feelings. If you can find someone you trust and can talk to. Even if that means you need to cry. It is better to let it out than keep it in. Also, don't dwell on the tragic events of his death. Would your father want you to remember him that way? I think not, I would think he would want you to remember all the good things about him as well as the relationship the two of you had. All I can say is yes it may seem hard now, but with time things will get better and you will begin to heal and see the good in things. I am a strong believer in that things happen for a reason. We just have to figure out why they happened and learn from it. If you need to talk I am here. I know it is difficult, but trust me when I say you are not alone and that everything will be fine with time. I find if I start to miss my mother I just think of all the good things and I try to continue all the good that she did in her life through me. I know she wouldn't want me wasting my time crying over her. Don't get me wrong. It is perfectly healthy to grieve and to be sad and cry. Again, we are all here for you.

I hope this was of some help to you....please keep me posted as to how you are coping.

Ashley Holland · 11-10-2004, 12:33 PM

First off I wanted to say sorry! I to lost my Father at a young age I was ten years old and my Father had a heart attack in our house. I saw my Father take his last breath and could do nothing about it. I was a Daddy's Girl and it was like I didn't even know my Mother so I had to get used to being around her. Anyways, It didn't hit me until I was 16 years old that my Dad was never coming back. I had made up a story in my mind that he just left my Mother and would be back for me soon. Once I realized he was never coming back I too started drinking and doing other things to ease the pain. Will girl that's not ging to help! If anything it causes more problems. I'm now 21 years old and have been having sever anxiety attacks sense I was 16 years old. You'll never forget your Father or the way he past, just turn all the bad into something good. Remember the good times that you had together. I'm sure if you tried to talk to your family you would feel alot better. I too have stood in the shadows of someone else's like (my sister) When I went to my Mother to talk about my Father's death she actually leasoned to me and opened up and told me things about my Father that I never knew! Just try talking to your family or friends about it. If you can't talk to them I open anytime to talk. Just please don't keep drinking to ease the pain. Good Luck! Ashley