for anyone who has seen a person pass away - Death & Dying Message Board

emmab · 11-24-2004, 01:03 PM

i have posted a few times about my mum who had cancer. she passed away on sunday and as i witnessed it all i have some qs...
The resthome had phoned me on saturday to say she had deteriorated and so I took all the kids out for last visit. They talked to her, gave her a kiss and told her they love her (she didnt respond).
Then I wasnt going to visit on Sunday (hadnt thought end was close) and was out with James (my 8 week old baby) when suddenly was gripped by need to visit. This was about 10am so headed out there. When I arrived was told her breathing had changed and they were going to get another assessment from hospice.
So began my days vigil. Her breathing relaxed again after I arrived, and she did open her eyes a few times..not sure if she registered me, but did reach out ?for my hand a few times. So I spent the day holding her hand, talking to her and kissing her etc.
At 1pm they put a syringe driver in as she couldnt swallow meds anymore. There were periods of erratic breathing but at 4.30 my MIL came to relieve me, and they said she was stable. I told mum I would be back later and not to go anywhere. I phoned MIL at 6pm and she said mum was doing really well and breathing had stabilised steady again. So I got back about 6.50pm. Almost as soon as I had told her I was back the breathing became odd again. Although they told me I could probably go home to sleep that night I just didnt feel that was right. My best buddy turned up about 7.15pm and we were talking when I noticed that mum had opened her eyes really open. I dont know if she registered me cos she didnt seem to react when I got in her face, but her eyes really tracked right around the room a couple of times, then she stopped breathing. I collapsed, hugged her and told her I love her etc, then she took another breath which freaked me out and I nearly hit the roof. A couple of more breaths later she stopped again and this time didnt start again. The nurse was there by then (I had rung the bell after she first stopped) and couldnt find a pulse so said she was gone. He asked if I knew someone upstairs as apparently it was one of the most peaceful passings he has seen, no struggle or discomfort.
I am grateful that she wasnt in physical or emotional pain. Just have to get used to life without her now, but it does feel like I am living in limbo waiting until we can all be together again.

so i have a couple of qs for you...do you think mum would have heard/seen me at the end? is it usual for eyes to come open like that right before the end? what could she have been seeing as she tracked her eyes around???any other comments. btw please tell me what you think is true not what you think i want to hear! i just hope they were right that she didnt suffer. I guess i really wish i could know what the experience of it all was like for her, thats what freaks me the most.

Uff-Da! · 11-24-2004, 03:14 PM

I was not actually present during the hour of death of my relatives, but there are many reports in the literature about what some people see at the time of death. Of course, we don't know what your mother actually saw as her eyes followed something around the room if she didn't tell you, but there are many reports of dying patients telling someone present that they see their dead relatives or friends, or occasionally angels or a religious figure. Often the dead relative tells them that they have come to get them. In some cases, they see dead people who they dying patient has not even been told were dead.

Do a web search on "deathbed visions" to read more for yourself.

Kitten1980 · 11-24-2004, 04:13 PM

I've never been present when a person passed away, but I wanted to give you a big ((((((hug))))) as I assume that must be quite an emotional experience. In answer to your question I would pose a question for you - what does your faith/spirituality/morality tell you about your mother's passing?

dennis1967 · 11-24-2004, 06:37 PM

You don't even need their words to tell you that your Mother wasn't suffering. You were there and experienced it with your own eyes.

Even in a coma, people do relay their discomfort. My Mother, who passed away in 2000 was in a coma first and had discomfort. It was easy to see it in her face, much like when she was alive and well.

It is my personal belief that up until someone is gone, there is still something connecting them with the normal things in life (like moaning, crying, screaming or making faces when in pain).

It sounds like your Mother had as good of a passing as could be expected with all things considered. And best of all is you were there at the crucial moment to experience it yourself - so you don't even have to take someone else's word for it. Your own eyes, ears and heart are all you need.

Let your own experience be your comfort. Bless your Mother and bless you.
-Dennis

kerry1 · 11-24-2004, 07:53 PM

I'm guessing your mother sensed your presence in some way. As far as what she was seeing right before she passed away, it sounds like the description of my grandmother right before she died. She opened her eyes wide, like she couldn't believe what she was seeing, then passed away. I'm guessing she saw something from the other side. I've heard other stories like this one before. I heard a story of a little girl dying who actually sat straight up in bed, looked around the room and said "which way do I go?", then immediately died. Your Mum is still alive somewhere, I'm sure of that.