I have been thinking for a while now if I should post here or not. And this is really the only place I can go and get an hnest answer.
I was with my brother when he passed away on 1-27-01. He was 36 years old and had lead a pretty rough life. He was the most generous person I have ever met. He allways wore a big bright smile. He was the middle chid of 3 and had a severe drug problem that was ignored by my parents until it was far too late. But we remained very close friends right to the very end. He was involved in a robbery where 3 people lost their lives. He was there and stole money for drugs, but did not take a life (I do not think). But in the state that which we live, if you commit a crime and someone dies, you are liable for the death pennalty. So my brother and I had 15 years to deal with the fact that he would die. The death penalty is not the topic of my post, but I feel it is very important for you to know the details. I am fully aware of how touchy of a topic this can be, and I respect everyone's opinions on the matter, but what I am hear for is mainly support and a little help on how to deal with whitnesing the execution of my brother and friend.
We were notified that Bill would die 32 days before hand. We knew that he was going to die for almost 15 years, but we were actually given a 32 day notification. I made the 4 hour (each way) drive almost everyday for the last days of his life. I really thought we were both prepared for what was in our future. He had accepted responsibility for the mistakes he had made and had made contact with the victims families. We talked for hours about what his visions of death were like. He was very confused if he would go to Heaven or Hell. At times, he had is doubts if either even exsisted. We laughed and made our corney little jokes with eachother about what I would do with his remains. I guess that was our way of dealing with everything.
We spent the last day of his life talking,crying, laughing,staring at eachother,and naming my unborn children. When the guards came to take him away for the last and final time it took all I had to not fall in the floor in a million peices. we both stayed strong and held a smile on our faces as we waved goodbye to eachother. As soon has they took him around the corner, I fell apart.
I was the strong one of the family. My Mother, other brother, and aunt were there with me. But They were in worse shape than I was at the time. None of them really expected for Bill to be executed. I am not quite sure what they thought was going to happen in the end, but they were all in denile for the entire 15 years. I thought I would be the strong one who was prepared for the "end". And I guess I was, I mean who can expect to be prepared enough to not get upset and bawl yours eyes out. I guess my reactions were just very shocking to me as I now sit and write about that day.
I am not really able to talk to my husband or really anyone else about what I am now dealing with. THEY ALL were very upset that I was with Bill when he died. They swore up and down that I would have severe emotional problems for the rest of my life after going through that. I do not think that I have emtional issues, but I would like to be able to talk about it a little and get it off of my chest with having to hear the "I TOLD YOU SO's".
Foe five hours I had to sit and wait for the guards to come and get me and my other brother to take us back to the prison for the execution. As they knocked on the door, I picked up my coat and could not get there fast enough. I kept asking him if he could drive faster and get us tyhere any quicker. All I could imagine was that they had Bill ready to die as soon as we got there. I could not staned the fact that moment was prolonged for him one more second than need be. As we turned down the street I saw hundreds of protestors. Some for and some against. It was very hard to tell. Except Bill had warned me that there would be people outside and the one's holding the candles were for him. I have never been into protesting, so I was not sure how that ens of it worked. When we got inside the "H" block, we were searched and taken to the whitness room where we sat with reporters, guards, and the victim's family members that chose to be there. Bill had told me that day that there would be some very loud baning noises and to not let that scare me. He said that the other Death Row inmates would bang on their bars everytime someone was put to death. It was the loudest noice I had ever heard in my life. It sounded very distant but also very loud. I can hear it now as I try to describe it for you. It was almsot calming for me in a way. I knew that Bill heard it and he knew that in a way, they were there with him. We kept eye contact the entire time and he had that silly littl grin on his face and he winked at me and he slowly layed his head back and I could tell he said a prayer. Then they announced that it was time to enfoce the death penalty. He turned his toward us and we never broke eye contact. We had agreed that when he closed his eyes, we would close our eyes and it would be over. When he closed his eyes I could not close mine. I knew that would be the last time I was with him and I could not make myself do it. He then raised his head again and then opened his eyes one last time and he gave me a half smile and his head fell back and it was all over. The guards closed the blinds to the room Bill was in and escorted my other brother and myself out to the rainy parking lot and drove us away for our safety.
I was OK. We were taken back to the secluded building that the rest of our family were waiting. I walked in and hugged my Mom and whispered to her thast he was gone. We all quietly walked back out into the rain and proceeded to drive the long drive home. Bill was cremated and his ashes were scattered at his place of choice and I kept a very small Earn witha bit of him in it. (He thought that was really sick BTW) He sits in my living room and I catch myself talking to him from time to time when I am dusting or just walking through.
I just do not want that image in my head anymore. Every night when I lay down and close my eyes, I see him laying there on that table all strapped down with that half smile on his face and that wink in his eye.
How do I get that out of my head? I want other images there. Some of my daughter (which he helped me name
) and just all around happy thought before I go to sleep? I do not have nightmares or have mental issues over this. I just have the same vision everynoght before I drift off to sleep.
I am sorry if this post was offensive to anyone in anyway, I know waht a touchy subject this is. I honestly do not have anyone that I can really talk to about this. I have close friends, but I feel they don't really know what to say. And the last thing I want is to hear those 4 little words from anyone that thougfht I was nuts for being there to begin with.
Sorry for the length and the details, I think I just needed to get all of this out after almost 4 years.
Thank you very much,
Kim
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