My Mom is dying........ - Death & Dying Message Board

Spazzie · 01-11-2005, 08:20 PM

My mom is 74 and has had Parkison's for quite a few years. In October her blood pressure dropped and it's been a gradual decline since then. She is now an in- home Hospice patient. She rarely opens her eyes, will not drink or eat (has been 4 days now) has a fever one day and is ok the next, her breathing changes, she has congestion, she has bed sores that break my heart (God knows we change her position, change her diaper, have an air mattress provided by Hospice, but we are still racked with guilt) My mom is dying, and the waiting is killing us. She seems "better" one day and the next day I'm afraid to leave her side. We wait. I treasure every single moment with her! I treasure changing her diaper, washing her face, putting lotion on her face, putting moisture lotion on her lips. I take pride in the love and care we give her and I hope she knows how sweet smelling and pretty we keep her.

One day I'm ready for my mom to rest, the next I feel selfish and want my mom and I feel comforted by knowing I can at least go and see her. Hospice has provided us with information that lets us know when the end is near and she is displaying most of the signs. (her hands and feet are usually warm, so this is the ONLY thing that gives me hope she has more time) It's like I just want to know WHEN. The nurse says her vital signs are stable. How can she be so sick and her vital signs stable? I don't understand dying, I don't know how her body can be alive.

How long can a person go without eating or drinking? How can her diapers be SO wet when she isn't drinking anything? The whole process is so painful.

I just needed to write and I guess I need to hear from anyone who has witnessed HOW a person dies. How do you know, how do you really know?

luckylisa · 01-11-2005, 09:04 PM

Hi Spazzie

First off I want to say my thoughts are you during this difficult time. I am a hospice caregiver and work at a hospice home. I have been doing this for 5 years now and love every moment of it as hard as it gets sometimes, I just know it is the place where god wants me to be.

In answering your questions on how do you know when the time is near. Well one can never really know but we can go by the symptoms we see in the patient. The symtoms you have described I would say your mom is pretty near heavens door.. cherrish those moments you have with her dearly.. I know it is not easy and I am sure your mom knows how caring and loving you are to her during this time. You asked a question of how can she have such a wet diaper, when not taking much in. Her body has alot of fluid and is putting out what is left in her.

I am not sure if you were given a little booklet by the hospice team but if not you can ask for it, it might better help you understand the dying process.
It is called " Gone From My Sight" see if they have it and if not I can see about getting you a copy.

you can email me or reply to me in here, I would be happy to answer any more questions you may have.

God Bless

Spazzie · 01-11-2005, 09:43 PM

Lucky Lisa, thank you for your kind, honest and direct reply. You sorta reconfirmed what I already know. My mind drifts toward denail at times when my heart is saying something else. I know it's important to face things, but letting go of any hope is difficult. It' hurts that I'm building such sad memories of my mom when I want so much to see/remember her as she was....even 6 months ago. She has changed so much...is so tiny and fragile.

Yes, we do have the booklet "Gone from my sight" and I've read it over and over. Thank you for the offer and sending me one!!! It's such a simple book that gives so much important information for anyone who has a love one dying. It's at least gives us something to go by, but she has displayed many of the symptons, some for months. Going by the book I understand her final moments will be like a "fish out of water" and I can only hope that mom doesn't suffer....I know I will want to just hold her tight and not let her go (I have a feeling my dad will win that special place) They will be married 56 years in February.

I visualize her seeing beaufiful white lights and the faces of her parents. My husband died quite young and I hope he's there too......he loved her like a mother!! I want to be with her when she goes and I'm so afraid I want be. She has been so brave duirng all of this and I can ony pray she will be brave when she dies and have no fear.

So many emotions and thoughts run through my head.

God bless you for the work you do. I have even thought of becoming involved with Hospice when the time is right for me....even if it's in a small way. What a impact everyone makes in the lives of those losing someone that is loved so dearly. I feel as if we are making friends and there's a couple we would like to adopt.

Thank you for your reply......it really does help to know there are others out there that understand and care.

moderator2 · 01-12-2005, 07:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luckylisa

...you can email me or reply to me in here...

[ please carefully review the posting rules - no emails ]

Fallen2love · 01-12-2005, 02:26 PM

When my great grandmother was in hospice, my mom and aunt stayed with her and I think what helped is that we [all children, grandchildren, etc.] got to see her. IT was VERY VERY scary. I think what made is easiest though for her was that we all had been telling her there that is was OK to go, to be with her first husband, that we'd be fine, she wouldn't be in pain anymore, etc. I think by morning, she was on a VERY high amount of morphine, and her hands and feet were turning blue. Personally, I would think if I was laying on that bed dying somebody telling me its ok to go, etc that would make me feel alot better. Hang in there!! I know its not easy, it can't be shes your mom. As much as my mom and I don't get along I would still be devestated if something happened to her. I would think, that just knowing people care and the people I love most telling me its ok to go, etc would make it so much easier. My great grandma was a BIG fighter. She survived a really bad car accident that she wasn't expected to live from, but we got 4 more wonderful years with her, but throughout that time she has congestive heart failure. Just hang in there!