what to do - Death & Dying Message Board

IMikeyD · 01-16-2005, 07:21 AM

Well my mum is 59 and I am 26 and I am the youngest of 4 I am the only boy and the youngest by 10 years.
Im on a one year working holiday in australia and my mum is in south africa.
3 months ago she had a small stroke and went to hospital I rushed home. In the mean time she was misdiagnosed as alzeimers and given the wrong meds, She reacted badly and her bp went sky high and she had another stroke. A big one. In the month my mum slowly slipped from sipping tea, trying to talk with us, smiling at her grand children and holding my hand to a deep coma,

It has been two months since I was there as I had to return to australia and have just been told that my mum has a zero chance of recovery. I have been praying and hoping for the best for when I could return in feb. but now i have family members wanting to stop her intrven feeding because her out look is so bad, I want her to have peace but i dont know what is right.
My dad has said no more medical intervention besides food. But i am just so alone my mum has just always been my rock she has always known what to say and I dont want to starve her but I dont want to prolong her pain.
I just want to do right by her I never thought I would have a say in a decision like this but I now do and it is the the hardest thing I have ever had on my heart

I just dont know where to turn to as my whole family is divided and I am stuck on the other side of the world.
my mum is dying and I am so scared.

Spazzie · 01-20-2005, 06:05 PM

I am so sorry about your Mom. I can totally relate to your concerns about feeding her as I have struggled with the same situation very recently.

my mom passed away on January 15th. She had Parkison's and was able to eat pureed foods for awhile, then she stopped eating or drinking. She was a hospice patient and it was explained to me, over and over, that we weren't starving her and she wasn't starving herself....that this was part of the natural process of dying. It takes energy to eat and it takes energy to digest food...and forcing food can actually make them more uncomfortable. Thier energy is best used for different purposes. mom's wishes in november was no more needles. Her little arm was black and blue and she didn't want any more needles. All IV's were removed but she did continue to eat and drink....small amounts, but enough for her body at the time. Then she became to weak to eat or to sip through a straw. Swallowing became difficult and I was so afraid she would choke. Her last week she didn't speak or respond and slept most of the time. It was almost like a mild coma, her eyes may have been opened but she didn't seem to see us.

We could have continued with IV's (against her wishes) and this may would have keep my mother alive for a bit longer. I had to ask myself, why would we do this when we knew she wasn't going to get better, that it would simply prolong her struggles...and the quality of her life was non existant. Both my parents had living wills and I knew we should respect it. Did we still feel guilty.....yes we did. I still do to a certain degree, but deep down I know we did the most loving thing we could for her....we respected her wishes and we tried to understand and respect the entire dying process.

my heart breaks for you because I do know how you feel. I am sure what ever decision you and your family makes it will be with love in your heart and that makes your decision the right one.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

music47 · 01-20-2005, 06:59 PM

I know what you are going through and my prayers are with you. My Mom had several strokes and was bedfast. The doctor wanted her to have a stomach tube because she was barely eating. I knew it wasnt her wish to linger and suffer so I told the doctor no. She died last April. I love her very much and miss her but I know she isn't suffering anymore. Take care.

Mus

mdsum1 · 01-21-2005, 10:25 PM

I would say to do whatever you are comfortable with. It is true that providing nourishment will extend life span by some measure. The question would be are you comfortable that it does not cause suffering? I am not sure. My husbands family decided to use this method with their Mom and I really didn't like it. Sure, she really didn't have any quality of life but she was not suffering either. To deprive nourishment is a sure means of dying versus providing nourishment and letting nature take its course.

I am only speaking of my own expierence. I had a severe case of pnuemonia and was pregnant at the time...I spent several days in ICU without food & water and would have given anything to have been able to have a drink of anything versus a cotton swab! I was very young but my husband was told that he would be lucky if the baby or I either survived.

My husband and I have made living wills which stipulate what means we want to have taken to endure our lives. My husbands state that food/water can be taken from him, mine states that all methods are okay other than the deprivation of food/water.

I think it is a personal decision that you will have to make. I believe that if you think that if you would be comfortable choosing this for you ,in the same situation, then I would proceed in that manner.

I hope this makes you more comfortable in your decison.