son was killed cause of me - Death & Dying Message Board

htcrew · 02-18-2005, 08:49 AM

Hi everyone
im new to this board my therapist told me to find something like this where i can let all my feelings out, it is so hard.

My story is, i was nine months pregnant and i wanted to go shopping for a new swimsuit i just had to go i wanted to swim with my 13month old daughter, well i was in a terable car accident and my son died inside of me, i feel so bad for getting in the car that day over somthing so foolish. what was i thinking it has been five years now and i still cry alot about him, woundering if he will ever forgive me, he never even got to see my face or here my voice, i had alot of things wrong with me, i had to learn how to walk and eat and everything all over again, and when i dream about that day i remember handing him to the nurse like i didnt even care i forgot to say all the things i should of said, i was so drugged up,

i just dont know how to get past this anymore, i lay and cry all the time and im on so many meds to help but they dont, i have had fourteen surgeries from the accident, and still more to come, i just wish that it was me and not him, i was supposed to keep him safe inside of me, that is why god made woman the child bairers, he knew that we could do it and i faild him and my son, i hurt so bad,

well i guess i better go for now, cant really see the screan anymore, if anyone could talk to me i would really apreciate it alot

amanda

crisma · 02-18-2005, 09:24 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Please don't feel like it is your fault! I know that is so hard to do when something like this happens. This board is a very helpful place. There are a lot of caring people here. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

lavenderfields · 02-18-2005, 09:27 AM

Amanda, this is such a terrible thing to happen and my heart goes out to you. But you can't keep blaming yourself. This was an accident you didn't know it was going to happen. We all get in our cars everyday and we never know what might happen.

How is your daughter? You said she was 13 months at the time, so she must be about 6 years old now.

You don't think you're a strong person, but I think you are. You got thru all those surgeries, you learned how to walk, eat and do everything all over. You have to be very strong willed in order to do all of that.

dizzyone · 02-18-2005, 02:16 PM

Amanda. Please don,t blame yourself for the death of your son. Everyday we leave owr homes whether it be walking, by car, by plane and we then have no control over what happens, we could be in an accident any place any time. If we had insight to everything that would happen to us each day then we could could make choices and avoid accidents. There was no way you could have known what was going to happen, it was an accident, and I,m sure if your son could speak to you now he would tell you there no way you could blme yourself for this and i,m sure he would not want you to beat yourself up over something you could not control. Use this sight to vent and heal, it,s a good place to get all your pent up feeling out, youneed to heal mentally and still physically, for yourself and for your daughter. Sandra

ShortnSweet · 02-18-2005, 05:06 PM

It's not your fault. You didn't know that terrible thing was going to happen. My heart truly goes out to you. Please move on, you have a six year old daughter and she needs you too. Just remeber one day you will see him in heaven. It really wasn't your fault. Good luck.