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Old 02-22-2005, 10:50 AM   #1
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I feel jilted.

For the past year, I've been afraid of death. I had no experience with it. Then all of a sudden my Mom gets diagnosed with lung cancer and the doctors say she has less than a year to live. She comes home and survives only three weeks.

Everybody else seems to have such strong people pass away, people that gave them some kind of hope, or contentment... I thought that the brave, peaceful kind of death you saw on TV was just a sham after I saw my mom die, but then I read some of the stories here and it looks it was just in my Mom's fortune and character to die an agonizing and selfish death.

Despite having been a deeply spiritual person her entire life, she almost entirely forgot about God on her deathbed. She began looking to Einstein and philosophy for possible explanations for life after death. She began saying crazy sad things, like, "God is going to give me a new lung and I'm going to get better. Watch." Her eyes shone so confidently, but I couldn't tell her that wasn't going to happen.

She showed a perverse and sick delight in watching the rest of her family suffer. I swear, when I crept out onto the porch one night to tell her that I didn't think I was handling things so well (all of our visiting relatives were crowding me in already overwhelming circumstance), she sneered with pleasure. Then she began screaming and raving hysterically about me being selfish. I had a panic attack, and my Grandma pulled me away from the house to recover. I'm sure it didn't do my oxygen deprived mother any good, either.

And her deathbed... Watching her die was horrible and ugly. She looked like she was in so much pain, and that didn't change when she died. She had grey flesh with blood-shot jelly eyes and blue lips curdled into a baby's drool, all scrunched up on her side. My relatives were enraptured, watching me and my sister cry over her, circling the bed and holding hands like vultures. They loved the drama. None of them hardly even knew her.

And finally, the obituary. My grandmother handled it. She was really mad at my sister and me at this time (she explicitly blames us for our mom dying so fast). She put photographs on the online obituary of her own family and friends, people Mom had only met in passing. We were in there once, and we were the only two people not given names. We were called, to spite us, "Laura's young daughters." She wrote a bunch of fake and generic filler about our Mom, saying she was wise, had pyschic powers, and a bunch of other crap... (My mother had notoriously bad judgment and was a touch crazy, either from drinking paint or a chemical imbalance, resulting in behavior such as dancing through the streets naked, seeing demons and leprechauns, and compulsively screaming in tongues. Superstitious people believed this meant she had magical powers). Now, I love my Mom and I sure wouldn't include all of the bad things she did, but I would have at least given her credit for what she really did deserve, such as her generousity, her sillininess, and her charming gullibility.

So I feel jilted. Death scares me even more now, and I have no resolution. My Mom also told me that she would ring a bell right after she died to let us know she was okay. Of course that never happened. It all seems to lead to a big empty zip, zero, and it's depressing.

I guess to say that I feel jilted does sound selfish, but there's so much other crap that went on. In a nutshell, the family that we'd worked so hard to fit together from recovered drug addicts was completely torn apart by by grandmother. I don't know if things are ever going to heal between us, and I wish...I wish things just could have gone better.

Last edited by Lysander; 02-22-2005 at 10:55 AM.

 
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Old 02-22-2005, 02:12 PM   #2
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Re: I feel jilted.

It's unfortunate and obviously painful that your grandmother chose to leave you in limbo of being recognised. You did the best you could given the circumstances.
It was as well her daughter who died, and she selfishly wrote the obit from her perspective. This isn't to support it, just that I think it's what might have happened. She obviously had a need to blame, and you and your sister were the most likely ones to hand it to.

I too saw my mother die of lung cancer. Many things you say could even resemble my mom (albeit on a more tame level).....and I was denied to "indulge" in her death because of family discord.

My mother forced us together by requesting to die at home. There were many visitors, people from her pentecostal church (who wanted us to call the moment she got better -- like get over it, she's going to die -- and they're the ones who said, I never realised she even had a daughter!!!), family, lots of food, lots of memories and tons of stress! I was overwhelmed, but that's what my mom loved....having lots of people around her, and that's what always caused a rift..... but had to deal with it for it was her time, not mine.



The moment she died, my brother embraced me and said "let us never fight again". What's with that? I left the room and started to dump out all of her make-up and didn't shed a tear. The body washing was left up to my mom's friend and my brother's wife. I thought I could do it....but I couldn't. I didn't want to feel that emotion, for I knew I'd remember it forever.



I was the executrix....it was difficult dealing with my brother, he's never forgiven me.

There was no blame toward us tho....none from family.....but there was lots of guilt and no closure on my part, the things left unsaid, etc. I couldn't say them because it just wasn't the time.


I won't even get into the funeral part and dealing with the minister. Although I found it easy to tell him afterward.





I was trying to understand my lack of feelings about her death through various books.....non of which met my needs. A friend came across a chapter in a book on dysfunctional families that dealt with death. It matched my situation perfectly and I found relief and was able to understand.

I too loved my mom, but had much emptiness and confusion because of her. To me...emotionally, she died looooong before she died physically. I really found her death a relief for I wasn't feeling a constant need for her love anymore. I don't miss her, but I still long for the MOM in her. She tried, and did succeed on occasion, but I realise she had her own issues haunting her as well. As I age, my reactions bring me closer to how she would have dealt with things, and that brings many conflicting feelings. I'll be dealing with her forever I think and ultimately come to the conclusion that it was what it was. I have to accept it.



So, what can you do now? Do your part to remember her, on your own, with your sister....whatever. Do what will allow you the emotional connection with her death rather than it being so negative. That's what you do for you.....for we are the ones left to suffer after our loved ones are gone.


You can write your own memorium of your mom, with her picture, a poem and all her wonderful qualities. Make it a yearly one, or on her birthday, or at a time when you celebrated with her.

You will eventually (must) learn to deal with your guilt or anger and family situation. It's all from our own perspectives, and maybe eventually you'll be able to talk with others about how they really felt.


Try not to focus on the fear of death, for it will happen to us all. I'm trying to change my life and make good decisions, sever bonds that are unhealthy for me, many things that will allow me to say to myself on my deathbed...."I did well, and I'm ready".

What you're feeling is normal, and it'll take time for it to make sense to you.

Eventually you'll be able to separate your mom's life from her death.

Best to you,
quincy
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It's all a matter of perspective!

Last edited by quincy; 02-22-2005 at 02:17 PM.

 
Old 02-22-2005, 03:39 PM   #3
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Re: I feel jilted.

How???? How do we get over our fear of death so that it doesn't interfere in everything we do? I am more afraid than ever now.

 
Old 02-22-2005, 10:00 PM   #4
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Re: I feel jilted.

Quincy, I identify with so much of what you've said. I feel less alone.

Our religious relatives were also annoyingly optimistic about my mother's recovery, even though the doctor all but said that she didn't have a chance. I knew that we needed to spend the time we did have wrapping things up with her, not pretending that it could all go away.

I understand what you mean by missing the "mom" in her. My mother had a great amount of mental problems, and she was a very difficult person to live with. The parts of her I loved most were those rare times when she really came through for us as a mother and provider. Part of me was unashamedly relieved when she died, and I knew that I never had to fear the stress of living with her again.

I guess it wasn't such a bad way to be introduced to death. It feels kind of better knowing that she died from something she was responsible for (heavy smoking). I can't imagine the injustice I'd feel if she had died instantaneously from an auto accident or something. And God forbid, I could never bear losing someone truly close to me, like my sister or the man I love.

Sculpture, I am going to assume that, like me, religion isn't an answer that works for you. And you've probably heard the ways of coping that a lot of people have, like "We live on through our children," or "We live on through the good deeds we do."

I have found some very small comfort in reading Near Death Experiences (NDEs). You're also probably a skeptic and your first reaction is that these are just the last gasps of the dying brain. Whether they are or not, though, there are fascinating patterns that occur, and quite a few recorded incidents that science has not been able to explain, such as brain dead people witnessing events around them and hearing conversations at other locations in the building.

Not all of what you'll find is light at the end of the tunnel stuff, either. Some people report a void of nothingness (our worst nightmare). Others report something like hell. Curiously enough, children report not a tunnel of light, but a womb-like darkness that envelops thems and nurtures them with secrets.

If you have access to the internet and some free time, you should look it up.

 
Old 02-23-2005, 07:23 AM   #5
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Re: I feel jilted.

Thank you, Lysander. I have looked up NDEs and they did provide some comfort. I am just going through a tough time and it just feels endless. I feel like my whole life is ruined because I have to expect death all the time in everything I do and think about it everyday. I know I am being pathetically selfish and pitying but I just feel awful. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 
Old 02-28-2005, 08:35 PM   #6
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Re: I feel jilted.

Sculpture,
Sorry to hear your preoccupation with dying/fear of dying is making you miserable. Did you know that some religions actually encourage practitioners to meditate on death? I won't go into lengthy explanations why, but if you come out the other side of such a process, maybe you will have a greater appreciation of life and be able to experience it more fully since it's not taken so much for granted anymore. Does this make any sense to you? I think meditating upon death also shows how so much of what we are concerned about isn't really all that important, it provides a truer perspective on things. Good luck to you in finding your way throught this unsettling experience, and I hope you discover some faith or meaning in life that melts away your fears.
HUGS,
Tintx

 
Old 03-01-2005, 07:41 AM   #7
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Re: I feel jilted.

Thank you Tintx. I am trying everything and I just don't know what to do anymore. The worst part is that I am afraid my 9 month old will suffer the most if this doesn't get better. I am taking care of him fully but I wish these thoughts and fears didn't have to interfere in everything.

 
Old 03-01-2005, 09:04 AM   #8
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Re: I feel jilted.

Sculpture,
I am reading this book (it was a movie also I think) called "What Dreams May Come".
It's about a man who died and by the use of a Medium "wrote" a letter to his brother about his experience of death. And when he was describing the "your life flash before your eyes" part he described that it didn't "flash" it took it's time, each moment in his life slowly "playing" itself out before the dead brother, and it was describe so that each moment was shown with extreme clarity. In the book he said he saw each of his choices, mistakes, lies, fears, etc with extreme clarity of how he could have worked it out better, or maybe that what he felt or the way he lived his life could have had different choices, he even saw his accomplishments. My point in all this, is, that after he was gone, he was presented with "all that he knew" but didn't act on or understand while living his life and it was amazingly simple. What he saw in death, he could easily have done during his life to achieve the outcome that would have made his life richer in places where it may not have been so good. Not richer like monetarily, but richer in spirit. What I'm trying to say to you, is you have the chance NOW to live your life with clarity if you would only allow yourself to "see" what is right infront of you. You are in control of how you manage your life choices. I know that you feel "out of control", but I believe with a little hard work and deep soul searching you can fix that. First of all, you are a mother, so you already have intense internal spirit. Take that and use it. Use it for yourself, use if for your son and your life, so that you can enjoy and appreciate this wonderful gift that has been given you and all that you and your son will learn from each other. He is here to teach you, just as much as you are here to teach him. Your teachings are of the infantile nature and of nurture, his teachings go deeper for you. He is here to teach you unconditional love, overwhelming sense of protection, he is here to teach you that now is the time to live and learn while doing so. So, please take this time to do it with clarity, don't wait to find out all of this from the lesson and knowledge of the afterlife. That is not where you are to be. Your time is here. The man in the book realized only after his death what he could have done, you can do that NOW. It's there for us, we just have to allow it to show us. It's the spirit of love and light.

As I said before, to me, you still sound PPD, and I still believe IMO that you need "outside" help. Someone who is not close to you, and someone, unlike us on the board who are not trained in this delicate area. I've said it before, I don't think you need to be on this death and dying board. It's too intense for you, to be surrounded by posts of people who have recently or not so recently lost loved ones. I don't believe it's good for your mental health. I believe there is a Post Partum Depression board here, and maybe you should post there, if you already haven't and share your feelings with those you feel the same. You need to be around others who are struggling with the begining of a new life, not sharing your story with folks who have just experienced the end of life. I don't mean any disrespect for anyone on this board. I've posted here myself about family who have passed, but your son is very alive and so are you, and it is not healthy for you to go through each day thinking that you are not going to be here to raise him. We all are going to die, we don't know when, that is why we have to take advantage of every moment we have.

I would like to offer one more thing. If all this is bothering you so much, maybe if you made arrangements of who will care for your son incase you are not around, like a sister or close family member, you would feel better. Maybe it would be a sort of relief for you. My husband and I did that when my son was young. We talked with faimly memebers, and kind of made "unofficial agreements" as to who would care for our son if we were both gone. You are married right? So, you know your husband would be there for your little boy, but if it were to make you feel better, talk to a close family memeber about who would raise your boy if something happened to you. Just to ease your mind.

But please, keep talking to your therapist, this will take time. I think another poster told you that, it doesn't go away anytime soon, some times it takes awhile. But for your baby's sake, work on this. As well as for your sake. You want to give him all of "his mummy" don't you? You can do it.

Please check out the other board of PPD if they have one here, I think I checked once and they do. You don't need to be surrounding yourself with feelings of death, especially new raw ones where people on this board are grieving. You need to be addressing how to "celebrate" your new life.

Okay? I wish you all the best. And for those of you who have lost loved ones, my sympathy is with you in spirit. I lost nearly all of my family members since 1980. Most recently I had my uncle at the age of 49 pass in 2002, my mom in late 2003 at the age of 65, and my aunt develop lymphoma while my mom was dying from cancer. My aunt is a survivor at the age of 56. Two years cancer free now. And so far, the only family member to have survived cancer.

So. Let's grieve where need be, and sculpture, let's live where need be.

Here's wishing you a good spirit.
tk

 
Old 03-01-2005, 10:04 AM   #9
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Re: I feel jilted.

Hello Lysander,
First I would like to recommend a couple books to you. Even if you don't like to read, read these, and I read your comment about your grandma (was it?) being psychic, please don't get turned off by these books being by Jamie VanPraagh, these books deal with death and the after life, and I believe they will give you comfort and more understanding about passing. You know, IMO, the "other side" is just a "reach" away. But here are the books, Please try them with an open mind: James Van Praagh "HEALING GREIF Reclaiming Life After Any Loss" and Talking to Heaven by James Van Praagh I read the first one, and it clarifeid a lot for me. It discussed people's process of passing over, it even talked about those people who passed who were "angry" or had a "volotile" death. Also talked about pet's passing. The book had me in tears, and it made me laugh, but mostly it gave me peace and clarity. So please try them, I think they will help. You had a very extrodinary and "combustionable" experience with death. I honestly believe in my heart it is a second chance for us. A kind of "to be continued" sort of things. After we pass, I believe we are "taught" how to love better, and I do believe that we come back over and over again to right our wrongs of past lives which will bring us closer each time to a higher aspect of light and that one day, after one of our passings, we will become "teacher" to those who pass. I hope this doesn't sound too nuts for you, but it upsets me to see anyone be afraid of death. I am not Christian by faith, but do believe in God, or a higher form of light. So, take a peek at the books, their cheap!

Your feelings are quite normal. I know, having lost nearly all my family, execpt my aunt (read my reply to sculpture) to cancer, two of them in two years, makes you feel "robbed". I am an only child so I didn't have other family members to deal with, but my mother had everything planned out. I basically had to show up! That was Mom! She even did her own obit! But most of my family died so very young and I get so mad about that. Are you in counseling? It helps, cuz it's about you now. You know IMO all the funeral services are for the living. It is our time to show our respect and mourn our loss. For the ones who have passed, it is a "different" time for them. I believe they "see" us grieving and probably wish they could make it stop! But that is why we have funerals or services, for us who are still alive. And sometimes they dont' turn out so well. I had no idea what he heck I was doing, thank goodness for the funeral director who basically "held my hand" through the whole thing. I had no idea of the "protocol" of funeral services. My mother had a long time "boyfriend", but the responsibility of her seeing that her arrangments were left entirely up to me, and he is the kind of person who just can't do that sort of thing. Heck he couldn't even take her clothes to the funeral home. But I remember feeling like I wasn't "doing it right" during her service (she was cremated so there was no "funeral"). Mom was in her casket, that she picked out! and I didn't know that it was customary for the family member, that being me as the only child, to stand near the coffin for most of the service. Well I was in the little side area with the rest of my "extended" family, cousins, family through marriage, etc. and my mom's boyfriend was by the coffin, he had his sister there with him. And he got mad at me for not being there by his side the whole time. But, in my defense, which I actually shouldn't have to defend myself, but I do, so I felt "better" moving about, and I was in the ohter room with my uncle and cousins, who's wife (mother) was going through Chemo. This was my mom's sister who couldn't even come to the funeral cuz she was so sick, so I was with them, besides, gosh, I hadn't been in my home town where my mom lived for over 20 years, so I knew very of those people, and her boyfriend actually new fewer than I did. My mom kinda kept the fact that she had a live in boyfriend for over 30 years a secret from her coworkers. It was a strange arrangement, but I never argued with mother. But, there was one man, who I knew growing up as a young girl who I even referred to as uncle who came by the service and I happened to be in the side room with my cousin, well, I found out that he was there and I missed him. I was talking with his children, and my mom's boyfriend said something to the effect that "if you were here, you would have seen him". I am still a bit mad about that, and like you feel "jilted". He could have came and got me at anytime, especially when Uncle Elno got there, cuz he KNEW I wanted to see him. I was also taking Effexor at the time, which later I realized allows you no emotion what so ever! Which is probably good in a way, or I would have taped him to the wall!

So, I know all this is awful. I remember taking some of mom's different outfits to here, while she was in the extended care facility so she could pick out what she wanted to wear at her service. It all seems so surreal now. I had to drive out to the Monestary near by and get her an urn. It was tough. She had lung cancer which spread. She too was given 6-8 weeks, which no one told her, so knowing my mom, I had a nurse sit down and tell her. My mom wanted to know, everything, and I wasn't going to hide anything from her. She had a good mind about her until the very end. And she smoked those cigarettes right up until a few days before she passed. I have FM as well as a butt load of lower disc problems and I live in AL while she was in Iowa. Since May I made 5 trips (one driving) to Iowa until she passed in September. I would get the call, that it was time, and I'd get there, then she'd be fine. I think she would hang on when she saw me, which was fine as long as she wasn't suffering. I got one phone call from her, begging me to come, that she was scared and needed me. How do you respond to that? My mom and I never had a good relationship, she raised me alone, and I remained "alone" a lot. But we probably had the best relationship while she was sick and dying. I was there for a whole month at one time. It still seems like yesterday. The last call I got, I went, was there for two weeks and told her, I couldn't stay any longer. By this time she was getting worse, but still had some of her mind, so I went to see her before I drove to the airport and her last words to me were "I never told you enough that I loved you". So those words are always with me, and all that "stuff" that went on at her service about me not being where I was supposed to be, matters nada now.

What was the topic? LOL I'm so sorry, I think I monopolized the topic. I guess I just wanted to say, that all those feelings you have are normal and IMO really aren't important any more, not to diminish your loss or experience at all, but death is so complex for those of us who are living, the best we can do, is, the best we can do.

I wish you happiness, and peace. Oh and unlike your mother, my mother was NEVER religious, but upon news of her death, she was calling priests and pastors. Asking me for advice, since I practice Catholic for a brief time in my life. I was amazed. Bottom line, she was very scared of death. She even asked me once if I she should be afraid. That is my biggest and most unsettling upset of the whole process, that she was afraid of dying. Oh and when I told you that I left for the last time, she died four days after I left. They said she was "sleeping" a lot, but opened her eyes and took her last breath. I believe she saw my step dad who loved her so so much, and he was there waiting to finally help her along. Here's some interesting info for you about my mom and step dad. There was 18 years difference between them in age, I was born on December 18th 1958, my step dad died 18 years nearly to the day earlier, and mom died on Septemeber 18th. So, I believe that she found her answer to her question about being afraid when she opened her eyes.

Oh and as for your mom's behavior, I understand. Part of my mom's cancer had moved into her brain, and when she was receiving radiation in her brain, she couldn't take it. It literally changed her personality. She became very very mean and out of control, so sufice it to say, all treatment was stopped, and she was just made comfortable. She would slip in and out of "reality", but was mostly pretty able to understand what was going on around her, she had her days, but we just went with it! And appreciated the good days, when you knew you could dicuss something regarding her upcoming death and all it involved. We used A LOT of paper, writing things down. And it was frustrating for her when she new she couldn't get her point across or understand what was being said to her, so when she had good moments she wrote down absolutely everything, and when she couldn't write, we wrote for her! We, being friends, and me, I think I mentioned I was an only child.

Okay, THAT'S it! I've gone on long enough, I'll be banned from the D&D board. You all will boycott me!

Please please take care, and I do hope you find your peace, how ever it may come to you. And honestly, take a look at Jamies books, he is not a physic so to speak, more of a medium, and his stories are absolutely soothing. I think you can find his stories online and his books are easily available anywhere you can get books.

Here's wishing you a goodspirit,
tk

tk

Last edited by tkgoodspirit; 03-01-2005 at 10:58 AM.

 
Old 03-01-2005, 10:10 AM   #10
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Re: I feel jilted.

Sculpture,

Check out those books I listed for Lysander. They will give you a different insight on death. But I honestly believe that you shouldn't be dwelling on death, however, these books DO give some hope, IMO, as to crossing over and that you are not really "gone", not ever. We have too much energy, where does it go? Gotta go somewhere. I beleive we are given many many chances, I believe that we are taught how to love, and that we come back over and over again in order to "get it right" for lack of better wording.

I honestly think if you read Jamies books, check him out, you will feel some comfort regarding death. It shouldn't be feared, yet it shouldn't be obsessed about.

Go give your baby boy a big old smoochie, and I wish you peace and happiness, truly, from the bottom of my heart.

tk

 
Old 03-01-2005, 11:57 AM   #11
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Re: I feel jilted.

Thank you again, tk. And my condolences and regards to everyone on the board who has lost a loved one or is suffering from an illness or disease. I wish you all peace. I also apologize because I know you must be going through much more difficult events than I. I just checked and they don't have a postpartum board.

Last edited by sculpture; 03-01-2005 at 12:26 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2005, 12:40 PM   #12
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Re: I feel jilted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sculpture
Thank you again, tk. And my condolences and regards to everyone on the board who has lost a loved one or is suffering from an illness or disease. I wish you all peace. I also apologize because I know you must be going through much more difficult events than I. I just checked and they don't have a postpartum board.

Sculpture,
I just did a search on the boards and found this post:
Post Partum Depression Question dated 2-10-2005 on the Pregnancy board.

I am suprised that there isn't a Post Partum Depression board, but you may find answers on the Pregnancy board. So maybe you could check out the thread I posted here.

You could probably find it easier by just getting into the Health Issues section and searching from the blue bar by clicking on Search and typing in "post partum depression". Then all the posts that cover that topic will pop up and you can start clicking away. I saw some also referenced on the Anxiety board.

Good luck honey, and I hope you find some answers. Oh and about any one of us here going through more difficult times than anyone else, we all have our own stuff to deal with, and no one's "stuff" is any less significant than the other persons, no matter how miminal it may seem. Sculpture, to YOU, your problems are every bit as "difficult" as any of ours. Define difficult? It's all relative, depending on the situation. And each one of us is here because we have exactly that, "situations" no matter what the magnitude. Got it? Good!

tk

Last edited by tkgoodspirit; 03-01-2005 at 07:26 PM.

 
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