My father died on Feb. 5th of this year. He was only 58 years old. Every day I think that maybe I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare. It is nearly impossible to believe that he is gone. Every time I hear someone say, "I'm sorry," or ask how I am doing, I want to put my fingers in my ears and scream. It's hard for me to talk to anyone I know about this because I'm the first one of my close friends to lose a parent (I'm only 29). My fiance, while wonderfully supportive, can't do anything to help me, really. I just keep thinking that he can't understand what I'm going through. But I know I couldn't have gotten this far without him.
I don't want to talk to my mom about how hard a time I'm having dealing with this because she's so worried about me. I got sick right after he died and I saw how concerned she was. I just want her to think I'm ok. Plus I need to be there for her. She and my dad were married 35 years. I cannot even comprehend what she must be going through, having lost her husband. I don't want her to worry about me on top of that.
I'm getting married in October. I can't bring myself to do any more wedding planning right now. I don't see how I can get through my wedding day without my daddy to walk me down the aisle, and without him there to dance with me. I'm truly dreading my wedding day now. It tears my heart out that the last conversation I had with him, he asked if I'd found a wedding dress yet.
My father was a tremendous person (though of course he had faults) who never hesitated to help those in need, or to do the right thing. He worked very very hard all his life, and though he never made it rich, he was rich in family and in friends. He never got a chance to enjoy life without having to work all the time. Throughout his chemo and other treatments, he still kept working. He and my mom had plans to go to the beach after he was in remission from his cancer. Now that will never happen. They had such plans for remodling the house, traveling, that sort of thing. And now he's gone.
My father will never see his grandchildren. My kids will only know him through stories and photos. That breaks my heart.
People always say that those who have died never leave us and all that, but I don't feel that. All I feel is that my father is gone. I have always believed in life after death, but I keep thinking...if there is existence after death, how can those who have passed on see thier loved ones in such agony, and yet not drop in to say they're ok? I feel a horrendous void in my heart, and I feel like I will never be truly happy again. Can anyone tell me if this will ever go away? I still cry every day, I miss my dad so much.
Sorry this was such a long story. Thanks for reading.
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If the stars are aligned against you, realign the stars.
My deepest condolences to you. The loss you feel reflects the love and relationship you had for and with dad. That, I don't think ever goes away, but there'll be an acceptance that accompanies it much later.
There are steps of grieving and through them comes a myriad of feelings that can be very confusing and conflicting, and you'll go through them. Try not to hurry them up because it doesn't seem to work that way....or at least not well.
I think that the statement "they never leave us" really means our memories of that person. I dream of people who have died and have interactions with them. I never really had a close relationship with my mom, but after she died I had a dream where I KNOW she came to me. It was in "Real time"...meaning in my bedroom, she was next to the bed and sat down beside me. I hugged her and she said she was fine. I put my hand up to the back of her head and felt it....(I was supposed to have cut her hair before she got really sick) and said..."You got your hair cut!!". Kind of weird, maybe a dream, maybe not....but the fact that there was a connection was enough for me. I feel her in my life, but there's still a lot of unresolved things I'm trying to understand.
A year ago, a male friend died suddenly. We had a very close emotional bond that went back since our teen years but rarely saw each other since we had established our separate life relationships. I've finally had my heart-to-heart with him to say I had to let him go in the way of sorrow, and I thanked him for his friendship. I realise just how much of an impact he had on me. I was honoured to have had him in my life and even though I never saw him much...I knew he was always "there". I know he really will be with me forever. I cried daily for 2 months, many times since have had tears at the very thought. I miss him still. But, I'm OK.
With that came the fear of my own husband dying never recovering from it. I try not to dwell on it....that's why I had to let my friend's death go...if that makes any sense. With my sorrow came the realisation of what his wife must be going through, for because I knew what kind of a person he was and how much they loved each other, I know the loss would be great. With that came the empathy and fears for my own situation.
You will heal, but with a scar. You'll never forget but you'll accept.
Your mom's concerns about you would probably protect her from her own pain. You can both heal together, you there for her, her there for you. Seek grief counselling if you feel the need.
Share, cry, remember.
Allow it the time.
As for your wedding....what would your dad want you to do (a common question, but a good one)? He will be there in spirit, sharing the start of your new life relationship. Life goes on. First dance can be just with your husband, make changes such as you both walking down the aisle or have your mom give you away. Make it for you, not "tradition".
Best to you,
quincy
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It's all a matter of perspective!
My father will never see his grandchildren. My kids will only know him through stories and photos. That breaks my heart.
That's the only way I have ever known my grandfather. My grandmother got re-married even, before I was born, and my dad's step-father was "grandpa" to me. But even though he passed away before I was born, it seems like my "real" grandfather was a part of my life anyway. I've heard so many stories and seen so many photos that even though I never met him I feel like I know him through his memory. You can keep that memory alive for your children, his grandchildren. (((hugs)))
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"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." ~ Hebrews 11:1 ~
If you get a chance, please read the book "Embraced by the Light" by Betty Eades. It will comfort you. I believe your father has reunited with the Lord and is in a beautiful place and is awaiting his family's arrival, in due time. Some of us finish our work here earlier than others. Death is really a rebirth into something much better. We're only here on earth to learn and then we return to the Lord.
I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad. Actually, everything I was going to say, Quincy already said beautifully. Talk to your mom, laugh,cry and remember you're dad's ways, favorite saying and things. If there are any other siblings, ask them to join. Your mom is suffering also and maybe like you doesn't want to upset you. And don't forget, she's your mother, she knows you're hurting, she doesn't need you to tell her. I think she would be honored to take your dad's place and walk you down the aisle. My prays are with you and your family. God Bless.
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