my mom is dying - Death & Dying Message Board

cem9532 · 03-03-2005, 08:19 PM

my mom is dying from lung cancer gone to her brain. for the secound time. im not sure how much longer she has. she has ok days and bad days, now confined to a wheelchair. sometimes mentally ok, sometimes doesnt know what day of the week it is. back in november , one week before i gave her her first grandbaby, she was told she had till the end of the year. she did respond to the radiation , so that is what has bought a couple more months, that and her stubborness, she will fight till the last secound. she doesnt remember exactly what the doctors said and sometimes she'll ask me 'am i dying?' all i can say is no mom your just sick from the radiation. i cant tell her yes.
my biggest problem is that she never has quit smoking, actually she smokes more than ever now, and it causes me to have alot of anger and resentment towards her. it may not have made a difference after she was diagnosed, however i have found info that suggest she may have got a few more years if she had quit. and im buy all means am saying quiting is easy, however if it ment more time with me , my dad, and her new grandbaby, i think it would be worth it. everytime i see her leave us to go to the other room to smoke. i feel as if she is betraying us. saying these cigs are worth dying for and you guys arent worth living for. i know she doesnt really feel that way but it hurts. one time i ask her if life would be worth living if she couldnt smoke and she said ' i dont know' that really hurt.
i know here soon im going to regret being so angry and having so much resentment but everytime she smokes it feels like a slap in the face.
im scared, im confused, i feel sometimes like i am so evil. how can i get so angry with a sick dying woman.
anybody out there have any suggestions or stories of feeling angry when you should feel compassion.

chathamdb · 03-03-2005, 08:31 PM

I am so sorry that you are having to go through that with your mom. My father has severe COPD and he continues to still smoke. Seeing him continually smoke one after another breaks my heart, b/c i know what it is doing to his lungs, but he says that he cant quit, he has tried several times. So all I can do is continue to love him no matter what and be there for him. Believe me i know its frustrating. I know that one day I will not have my father around anymore and i have asked him if its worth it and he says "its just something i cant quit". You and your family will be in my prayers...

cem9532 · 03-05-2005, 11:57 AM

thank you, we can use all the prayers we can get
you and your father will be in my prayers as well

Prayingmom · 03-05-2005, 12:32 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I will be praying for you all.

My father was a heavy smoker for over 50 years. About 4 years ago he had a heart attack and then in by-pass surgery he had a stroke. He's still living and 81 years old, but his left arm is paralyzed, so he can't drive and so he can't get cigarettes for himself--he doesn't smoke anymore. He used to be the best storyteller--telling my kids all the family stories from the past. Now he can't even speak very well. I really blame the cigarrettes a lot for what happened to him. He is only a shadow of what he used to be and now my mom is more of a caregiver than anything else and she hates it. Dad tried to stop smoking several times, but he always started again. Nicotine is so addictive. It is so hard for smokers to quit for good.

My father-in-law had 1 lung removed because of lung cancer. It has been over 5 years since then. Both he and my mother-in-law did quit smoking afterwards. But please try not to be angry with your mom. Just love her during the short time you have--probably quitting after she was diagnosed with cancer would not have made much difference in the length of her life.

cem9532 · 03-05-2005, 09:41 PM

thank you for your thoughts, you are probrably right it wouldnt have made a difference. i will try to make every moment with her special. i have read your story about your son. i am so sorry. im not going to pretend i know what to say. i will pray for you, your son, and your whole family.