flameangel

I am only 35 and I have seen so many people die, My brother died when he was 26 from carbon monoxide poisoning caused by a faulty boiler, A close friend died when he came off his motorcycle on his way to my house.
My nanna, grandad and then 2 uncles died all in a short time of one another,
and then my best friend died 5 years ago.
But the one loss I can't seem to deal with is my Dad.
I was with my dad when he died 10 years ago, I was only 25 but I think it was the nicest experience of my life... Bittersweet.
He was dying of cancer for 15 months before he passed and was in tremendous pain, he was a wonderful man who didn't deserve his suffering.

When his time came although it was hard because a selfish part of me didn't want him to leave me despite his pain, I held him and stroked his face, kept talking to him, telling him how much I loved him and how much I knew he loved me. He was at home in his own bed and all his family were there.

I held him till he took his last breath, I am sure all the pain he had felt passed to me in that moment and it was a long time before it eased.
Even now 10 years later I think about him everyday and can't speak about him properly without geting upset.... I loved him more than anything else in the world.

Being there at the end with him was an honor, he was always there for me and I know he would have passed easier for me sharing it with him.

I don't know if this post will help because I am not saying the pain ever goes away, but it doesn't feel as raw now or as intense.

One day I hope to talk about him without crying for losing him, I just miss him.