Recently lost my daughter in law - Death & Dying Message Board

Ladywolfe · 04-10-2005, 05:59 PM

Hi everyone. I've posted on other boards here over the past year or so, but this is my first visit to this board.

My son's wife died 10 days ago, on april 1st. She was 29 years old, and left behind 3 children, 10,7 and 2. My son is the father of the 2 year old, but was in the other children's lives for 3 years -and they called him dad.

I loved missie (my dil) so much. We lived only a couple of miles away, and were usually at each other's houses every day. if not physically there, then we were talking on the phone. My son was 6 years younger than her...so missie was more like my younger sister - and my best friend.

She lit up a room when she walked into it. She was always asking other people about themselves, and helping other people - people usually tended to smile when they talked about her...she was just that sort of person.

My son called me that friday morning at 5:00 a.m. - screaming that missie was on the floor and he couldn't get her to get up. he had already called 911, and I could hear them in the background arriving. By the time I threw my clothes on and got there - she was gone. They wouldn't let me in the house, though I asked repeatedly for them to let me in.
She died in my son's arms.

She died of a twisted large bowel...or a bowel obstruction. She ended up bleeding to death when it burst.
My son is a big guy - around 6"3 - he just staggered out of their front door and fell onto the ground, screaming that this couldn't be happening and why, why, why???

I talk to her every day...usually looking around first to see if anyone is around me - so that they don't think I'm nuts talking out loud to myself.
At her funeral, when I saw what they had picked out for her to wear, I said, " you know she's standing here saying "just who in the heck picked THAT out for me to wear??"
It brought a smile to my son's face.

People around me seem to think I should just pick up and move right along - that after the funeral - my grieving should be over. It's not. I'm having trouble sleeping - and when I do fall asleep - it's not for long. I just keep hearing my son's voice screaming over the phone that something was wrong with missie....and then she was gone.

This is was not how I pictured things happening....I thought that she would outlive me by many many years. She never did anything to hurt anyone - there's just a lot of anger here that I'm having problems dealing with.

I know some say that once you pass over, you can still watch over the loved ones you left behind...I guess I"m taking some comfort in that - knowing she's watching her kids and my son.
My son has just totally immersed himself in work - if he's not working - he's sleeping. It's his way of dealing with this right now. We talk often, and I see him every day. I talk to him about missie a lot - because it makes him feel better - that I'm not just pretending it's time to let go - that he is the one that's going to have to decide when his mourning is over - and for him to move on.

Sorry for rambling...but there are times of the day that this really hits hard - when I'll be reaching to call her about something funny....and she's not there.

Thank all of you all for reading.

Mary Anne

lovemygrandma · 04-10-2005, 11:48 PM

Ladywolfe,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It is very sad that she was a young mother and you sound like a God sent mother-in-law. Just keep talking to your son as this will help him with the grieving process. What is going to happen to the 2 children that are not his? Had he adopted them? My heart goes out to you and your son and those 3 precious children. Did she work? I know these are questions that at this moment you probably dont even care to talk about, but he could draw SSDI for them which could help him with daycare and their needs and such. Again I'm so sorry and I will pray for you to be able to get some much needed rest and to help you with your sadden heart. LMG

Read66 · 04-11-2005, 01:10 AM

I am sorry for you. Remember grieving is different for everyone. I am a poem person. I think inspirational poems, sayings etc are very encouraging. I am going to share on with you.

When I'm gone, release me, let me go, I have many things to see and do.
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears,
Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you love you can only guess how much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown
But Now it's time I travel on alone.
So Grieve a whilefor me if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust.
It's only for a little while that we must part.
So Bless the memories within your heart
I won't be far away, for life goes on
So if you need, call and I will come
Though you can't see or touch me I'll be near and if you listen with your heart you'll hear.
All my Love around you soft and clear and the when you must come this way alone,
I'll greet you with a smile and a Welcome Home

Barb

last1 · 04-11-2005, 06:58 PM

Dearest Laqdywolfe: Your recounting of this scene is so tragic and dramatic that I can understand why it plays over and over in your head. And your loss is every bit as significant for you in your own, special way as it for your son. The amazing thing is that somehow, whether we admit to it or not, whether we consciously do it or not, things will get better. You have reached what I refer to as "a new normal." Your life has been changed forever. Now you will refer to life "before Missie" and "after Missie". Your struggle will be to hold on to your son and be what you have always been to him - his Mom. You sound like a wonderfully strong and articulate woman. Is there someway that you could start to "journal" this time in your family's life if, for no one else, Missie's children? Always remember that we are here...write as you need and keep us posted...chris

Ladywolfe · 04-12-2005, 08:02 PM

Thank all of you for your encouraging words and heartfelt replies. They mean a lot, and help a lot.
My computer has been in the shop for 2 days, so I'm just now getting a chance to reply to you all.
I do journal - I've done that since I was a young person keeping diaries -and you're right - they help, a LOT. Thank you for the poem...that was so sweet of you.

Missie's older two children will go to live with their bilogical father. Unfortunatley, my son had not adopted them. That's one of those things that him and Missie had talked about a lot, but just had not happened on paper. They are going to be moving 2 1/2 hours away - which I hope does not keep them out of our lives any more than necessary. Their father has said that they can come and visit on holidays and through the summer -and that we can all call as often as we want to.

I, like their mother, did not want the chilren separated at all - but this one is out of my son's hands. They are, and will always be in our hearts, as well as being brother and sister to the baby.

My son has already talked to the local Dept. of Human Services, to see what kind of assistance he can get for the baby. Missie did work, but the money she carried on the company-offered life insurance, was just barely enough for the services.

I work days and my son works evenings/nights - so he will have me to keep the baby as long as he needs me - heck, until the child is in college - is that too long?

Thank you all again for your support and encouragement.

Hugs to you all,
Mary Anne