So much guilt & so much unfinished business - Death & Dying Message Board

sals05 · 05-03-2005, 10:37 PM

I'm new to these boards, but I just have to vent this somewhere. It's eating me up inside and I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about it.

My ex-husband died 11 months ago. We had 2 children together and he "adopted" my 2 children from a previous relationship. We were so close.

His death was sudden and unexpected. My oldest son, 11, attempted suicide and was signed into the hospital by his father at 1:00 am. By 10:30 am that same morning my ex dropped dead from a heart problem. I had to go to tell all 4 kids that he was dead and I'll never forget the horrible sound of their wailing upon learning the news. It haunts me still.

His death has hurt us all so much. My son was diagnosed with bipolar and he's doing ok now but it's still tough. He's been hospitalized three times in the past year and during the last hospitalization about 3 months ago, he was raped by another patient. Needless to say we'll be dealing with this trauma for the rest of his life. We still have to go for STD bloodwork. We're waiting on the crime lab to give us the results of the rape kit and then it'll probably be off to court. It's so painful, I just can't stop crying.

I miss my ex so much. We had discussed getting back together and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point but I would think about it. He died and now I can't tell him how much I love him any more. He died before he found out why our son attempted suicide and he had so much guilt about my son's mental health b/c he was also bipolar. He felt responsible for passing on mental problems to our son.

In this past year people have said some of the meanest things to me about my ex's death, b/c we found out he had high blood pressure and a heart problem and wasn't taking his medication and he never even told us about it. People have told me it's his fault, that he was ridiculous for not taking his medication, etc. etc. Those comments just destroy me.

Then I hear comments from relatives who say it's a shame about my son, but it's his dad's fault he has bipolar b/c it runs in his father's family and we should've never had kids. That, too, hurts me so much.

Anyway, my kids and I have just sort of withdrawn into ourselves. We're close as a family but we don't associate with many people b/c of all the pain we've been through. It's so hard to trust people. I feel so guilty about my ex's death, and I feel so guilty that my son has bipolar and I feel so guilty about all the tragedy my kids have lived through in the past year. I feel so guilty b/c I had my son hospitalized and he was brutally raped. It just hurts so much I can't bear it sometimes. I have thought about suicide so many times but I know I can't do that b/c my kids have been through enough hell as it is and I can't add more pain to their pain now. Beside that, I worry about who will care for my bipolar son after I"m gone? Will he wind up in a hospital b/c no one can handle him? It's just so much to consider.

On top of all this, I have serious financial problems b/c as soon as my ex died my kids' insurance was cancelled and I now owe thousands and thousands of dollars for my son's care. His medication and psychiatric visits were costing me $1100 a month up until a month ago when I finally qualified for state aid. I still have to pay all those outstanding bills. My ex died without a will and all the money he left behind will go to my sons, but not until they're 18. I can't work b/c my son is too unstable to go to regular school and if I have to hire a private care person to come into my house, I'll likely pay more than I'll earn. I'm living off social security survivor's benefits. It's so depressing.

I still have dreams now and then that my ex is not really dead, and I'm talking to him and then I wake up and have to realize all over again that he's really gone and I'll never see him or talk to him again ever and I just fall to pieces. I just don't know how to get through all of this. I feel so damaged. I really can't afford to get help right now, so if anyone just has any advice on getting through day by day, I'd appreciate it so much.

Thank you for listening. I know I'm so emotional right now that I'm probably not making a lot of sense. I'm sorry about that.

sals05 · 05-03-2005, 10:44 PM

I am haunted by memories of seeing my ex's body after death in the hospital. When the doctor told me that they'd worked on him for 45 minutes and couldn't revive him, I screamed at the doctor that he was a liar and I didn't believe that my ex was dead. I demanded to see him. He was lying in a room in the ER with a sheet pulled over his head. I walked into the room and said, "Get that sheet off his face! He can't breathe like that." I pulled the sheet off and he just looked like he was sleeping. I thought this was some kind of colossally bad joke and I shook him and hugged him, but still didn't believe he was dead. I had to pull up his eyelid and see that his eye had no reaction to the light before I was convinced he was gone and then I just lost it. Now I wished I hadn't seen that. It haunts me, seeing him lying there so helpless and knowing that his soul was gone.

Then at the funeral home, I hugged him and ran my fingers through his hair and I felt all these bumps, so I looked to see what they were and they were stitches from the autopsy under his hair. It hurts me so much to think about him going through autopsy. His family had him cremated. All of that just makes me so sad.

He was such a wonderful man. Why did he have to go? Why couldn't it have been me? How can I stop reliving this nightmare every day?

hannasnana · 05-03-2005, 11:06 PM

Dear Salos05,
Your going through SO much at one time, I'm so sorry for your losses! You must feel so overwhelmed by your feelings. Can you ask your Dr. for an anti-depressant until you can handle it. There are times in our lives when too much is too much. Is there some place you could get free counceling?

There are unbelieveable feelings that we have to cope with when someone we love so much dies suddenly. Our minds don't want to accept it. You've had so much, its like you can't cope with the grieveing part of your Exs death. I know that Hospice usually has a grief counceling or support groups. You've suffered a major loss and you need someone to help you go through all the different stages of grief.

Your not wierd for all your feelings. Our hearts and minds can only handle so much.
I'm going to be praying for you.
Lots of (((((HUGGSSS))))))
Barb

sals05 · 05-04-2005, 06:31 PM

Thank you for your sweet reply. I am feeling a bit better today. I was a little overwhelmed yesterday. It does feel better to vent about it b/c normally I have to keep so much inside so as not to frighten my children who look to me for reassurance. Sometimes I feel that if I were to open up to anyone with all of this stuff they'd run and who could blame them?

I don't know where to turn for counseling. My children have qualified for state assisted insurance, where I pay a small amt. for their coverage every month, but I don't qualify b/c it's only for children. I cannot afford to pay cash for a doctor or medication, so I feel kind of stuck. My son's next psychiatric appt. is next week, so I maybe I'll ask his doctor if he knows of where I can get help.

Thanks for listening to me babble. I appreciate it so much.

hannasnana · 05-04-2005, 09:09 PM

Hi Sals05,

I'm glad your feeling better, but please don't appoligize for sharing. I think your a GREAT mom for trying to keep it together for you kids. MY goodness, you've been through hell, you deserve to unload!!!! Please check with Hopsice in your area, they usually have free counceling or support groups.

You just need to be able to break down and have someone hug you while you cry. I can't imagine trying to keep it together while going through the grief and loss of someone I love so much and have a child going through such struggles too. Don't minimize what your going through, its a BIGGIE!

I'm going to continue my prayers for you.
We all need someone to hug us no matter what age we are!
Barb