Grandma Dying Feel Useless - Death & Dying Message Board

Luichy · 05-21-2005, 01:50 AM

My grandmother is dying. She's been lying on a bed for more than half a year. She's 84. Her breathing has become deep and heavy. My father, her son, and my uncles are doing everything to help her go painlessly. She's most of the time unconcious or moaning. When she's awake she barely recognizes the person that she once loved. The last time I went by her side she didn't recognize me.

I become desperate seeing her like that. Just a week ago she was still talking. Now I look at her and she's a totally different person. She's very skinny. That heavy breathing makes me anxious. I want to do something to help her, but I don't know how. Although I know there's not much to do.

She suffered a fall more than a year ago that severed one of her vertebrae. That's what stopped her from walking or even sit down. I know her time is near. I just want to know what to do. I love her so much. I was raised by her and my grandfather. She's almost like a mother to me.

The funny thing is I feel I have accepted the whole thing. I'm waiting patiently for her demise. I have accepted that we need to move on with our lives.

To make things worse my grandfather, her husband, is at the hospital right now. He's been hospitalized and diagnosed with a clot on the brain. He's been demential for almost a week now. Doctors say they'll try to do their best with some medications, but no improvement so far.

So, you see. I'm losing both my grandparents at the same time. I'm almost afraid of how I'm coping with it. It's as if reality hasn't strike me yet.

Please, feel free to make any comment. I just don't know what to do. What should I do? Should I continue my life as usual? I have lots of work to do. But on the other hand I don't want to feel useless. I want to show some gratitude. My grandmother is one of the persons I love the most in this world. And the first real death of any of my loved ones. My other grandparents (my mom's parents) died when I was young. I almost didn't feel their absence.

I didn't know what to do. I just splashed all I needed to say onto this post. And forgive any mispelling. I'm not a native english speaker.

Thank you all for your precious time.

hbosch · 05-21-2005, 04:21 PM

I'm sorry for your situation. I just had to succumb to my grandmother's sickness and death 10 days ago. I'm so sad to hear that you're losing both at once, and that they don't seem to recognize you. While my grandmother was drifting in and out of consciousness for her last six days, my family and I gathered around her bed in the hospital, closed the door, and sang all the songs she loved so much. We could watch the heart monitor show that her heart beat was slowing down from racing too much--because she felt more comfortable, and could hear not only her loved ones' voices, but hear them singing her favorite songs or chanting her favorite prayers. I've heard more than once that hearing is the last sense that goes, so I would suggest that you keep talking to her in a soothing way, recounting enjoyable experiences with her, to help her to leave in the most emotionally comfortable way for her right now. My family and I kept a 24 hour vigil throughout the six days, and four of us were with her right to the very end, so we can console ourselves that we made sure she didn't die alone.

Luichy · 05-22-2005, 02:40 AM

Thanks for your reply. My grandma has just passed away. The good thing is I know somehow she is not suffering anymore. That she's living a better life. I feel calm. What makes it less painful is the fact that the last words I said to her last time I saw her awake were "good bye". And I know deep inside that afterwards she did hear me when she was unconcious.

Thanks again for your reply. It's been very comforting.

Blue102 · 05-22-2005, 07:44 PM

Hi, I'm so sorry for you. I wanted to reply because I am losing my grandmother. She's 83. I feel the same way, like I don't know how to act, what to do or say...I feel so helpless. But at the same time I feel almost peaceful, like I'm surrendering to fate, and things are just going to happen no matter what I do. She was very old and had been through so much, lived a very good life. God is just calling her home. I always thought I'd just go crazy with sorrow when she left (I was really close to her) but I am surprised at how calmly I'm reacting.

I think it's a natural way of dealing with death, really. I think in the back of your head, you know it's their time to go. There comes a point where you just have to accept it. Sometimes I wonder if there are angels that come to comfort us when these things happen...

In your case, I would almost think that God is calling both your grandparents home at the same time. I don't know if you believe in that, but I really do. And when things like this happen it's even more clear to see, I think.

As far as continuing with your life as usual, I'd say, do it. I went out with friends the other night--I felt a little weird, like I should be home crying or something, but I was glad I went out. It felt good to get my mind off it. I kept going to visit my grandma in my spare time, but there was nothing more I could do about it.

I think my grandma can hear me when I talk to her, too. She's in a deep coma, but she raises her eyebrows when I ask her a question. I know I can at least say good-bye.

I wish you the best.

Luichy · 05-22-2005, 11:16 PM

Thanks so much. I cried a lot this afternoon when we buried her. I got to carry the coffin to her burial place. And I felt honored to do that. I wasn't expecting that. I just arrived at the place and inmediately my father called me to help with the coffin. It was as if I was chosen to do that along with my father and uncle.

Right now I'm in my room as usual. For the first time I'm all alone in this big old house. I just hope I can get to sleep fine.

Thanks for all your support.