Hi Living In Hope...
My heart aches for you and what you are still going through.
Did your sister commit suicide this last year? The way you talk about it sounds like it may have been a little while ago?
Anyway...please don't hold it against the staff...although it was not a bright idea to be drunk at work...or at least without closing down completely, these people have to do whatever they can to lighten the mood to be able to cope with working in a place like that. You can't imagine how much of a toll it takes on someone to deal with death on an every day basis, especially voluntarily.....most have what's known as a "gallow's sense of humor" referring back to the time of using gallows...people had to deal with death, so they tried to find the humor in things most would not...this is how they are able to continue to do their jobs.
As for the autopsy, it's all part of the job with them as well. They may take for granted that not everyone shares the same interest in the body that they do...nor does someone want to know the gory details of their loved one. The autopsy was done to ensure that there were no other possibilities of how she died and the possibility that she may have had some form of illness that forced her to commit suicide.
If you look me up, you'll see my story and what it was like when I lost my mom in Aug. 05...I had to watch her die and it was horribly painful, but I needed to be there. Thankfully our family was blessed with a twisted sense of humor...which is the only way we made it through. We laughed at things that most would find absolutely inappropriate, but at 28 yrs old, I've attended more than 50 funerals and you grow a little numb and the pain that you know is coming has to go somewhere....so we learned to deal with it differently.
I also want to tell you from personal experience that nothing you could have done or did do caused her to jump or could have prevented it. It was once put very eliquently about suicide...suicide happens when the pain out-weighs the options for coping with the pain.
It's so true. I have been very sick with chronic illnesses my entire adult and teen life and it came to a point that I felt that I couldn't hang on anymore. I didn't want to die...I really didn't, but I didn't know how to find the strength to live anymore....and the topper was....when I called the suicide hotline, THEY HUNG UP ON ME!!!!! God stepped in and a lady who was like a mom to me happened to call just before I left the house that night....if not for her angelic timing...I'd be gone.
I also had just enough in me to fight the pain....seriously one more drop of fight vs. the amount of dispair....sometimes, just that one drop is enough.
So tell me something, where are you at right now in your grief? How long has she been gone and what are you doing to try to cope with what you have facing you? Can we help in any way? Please don't hesitate...this place is awesome....and without a name or a face, you can say what you want, what you need and what you're afraid to mention to the outside world, it will go no further than here and sometimes that's just what you need.
P.S.....about the Vicar, he may have had some valid reasons to ask you not to throw the dirt, however, he did not explain himself and had no reason to leave in a huff. Some just have a personality glitch that triggers when they're ignored, or he may have had a good reason, but without stating it, no one will ever know.
Try to let go of the resentment, anger, and other negative energy you may feel toward all of them...it's costing you precious energy that you need to move forward and it won't change anything in the end. I know from experience, it's much easier to be angry than sad....sad feels so hopeless and neverending, while anger seems to give us a sense of purpose and power. However, it's misguided, damaging to our dreams, heart, soul and living and your sister would not want you to live with the pain that she couldn't bear to live with....so love her, cherish her memories, focus on the good and remember that the things that were said and done that cut to the core were not aimed at you to inflict more pain, they were just someone being thoughtless or just unnerved at the situation and they happened to stick both feet in their mouth.
Hope to hear from you soon...please take care....Hugs...Angel