I need to get some feelings out. A good vent as I am preparing to lose my Daddy.
He has been sick with emphazema for several years. He was a heavy smoker for probably about 40 years and quit right before I got married about 7 years ago. He was doing o.k. until a couple of years ago where he has been declining slowly. Third visit to the hospital in 6 months was Mothers day weekend. I spent Mothers day evening at his beside just talking with him and watching T.V. He was sitting up in bed coherant and we were even joking. My Mother had him transferred to a nursing home in the rehabilitation section last Thursday. He developed bronchitis by friday and was transferred back to the hospital immediatly. His right lung was already 1/2 collapsed from the emphazema so he developed pneumonia rather quickly and that is where he is now. We had a "conference" as a family today and decided to stop the respitory procedures and therapy as he is in alot of pain and it is torture when they do the suction. What is left of the right lung is full of fluid. He is getting morphine shots to make him comfortable. He goes in and out of conciousness where he will drift off to sleep and then all of a sudden he will open his eyes and stare at something far away. I know he is seeing the "other side". You can see it when he opens his eyes. We are now doing the waiting game. I wrote him a letter the night before last that I said how much I loved him, proud of him, and how he will always be my hero. I read it to him today and it was all I could do to get through it but I am glad I did as I want his suffering to be over.
I know the angels are waiting for him and I know he will be in a better place. He is looking to go there and I want him to. I love him so much I hate seeing him as this shadow of a man. My husband and I also brought our 2 girls to see him for the last time today. When he saw my 2 year old who is the youngest grandchild he actually lit up and mumbled "sweet cakes" which is what he called me as a baby. He saw me as a child again through her today as she looks just as I did as a child. For that brief second he was not hurting but lit up as he used to and it made me cry.
Death is just around the corner for my Daddy. I will miss him so much. I already am.
Honey, I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I don't. My heart aches for what I know you are about to face, but you sound like the type of spirit who will face it head on.
How old are your children? I have 2 boys, aged 3 and 10 at the time of my moms passing a few months ago and it was a hard decision to make! I got a lot of grief for allowing my children up there....but my oldest had a connection with my mom that no one else did and she was the happiest when she was with him. I am truly glad that I let him spend what time he could with her in the end.
I always left the choice up to him and let him know that NO ONE would be upset, including me or grandma, if he chose not to go and visit. But I never hid the likely outcome of my mom's health from him. He used to cry that he didn't pray hard enough to save her and it was hard to tell him, no matter how hard he prayed, it wasn't up to him, it was between my mom and God in the end.
He too, gave my mom the peace that your baby girl gives your dad. If you take pictures of him now, you just may be surprised about what you'll find once you develope them. Many people have caught bright lights that couldn't be seen, pics of angel and angelic creatures, even faces of those gone Home long before.....
I sincerely hope that you can get through this with your little heart in tact, the beauty of the children, is rarely is this not an option....for the children need their mother and they are their mothers heart.
He will never be gone...you will forever carry him in your heart and wherever you go.
God bless, big hugs to you and your family......Angel
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!
I went threw the same thing with my Dad, He had the same disease and he suffered. He was in and out of the hospital, but the always pulled threw. He was on oxygen at home and allot of medication. Breathing was so difficult for him and he was basically home bound. The last time he was in the hospital I knew in my heart, he was going to die. I couldn't sleep at night because I was afraid of missing the call from the hospital calling the family in because he was towards the end. But one Friday morning, we did get the call and he died that morning. I was a mess, but at the same time I thought to myself, he is not suffering anymore, he is not sick anymore, he deserves to be up heaven and well. My Father has been gone for 7 years now and I still think of him everyday and I miss him, I know it so hard but It's something we have to try to accept because it's all part of life and life can be hard.
Thank you for your responses. They mean the world to me. My girls are 5 and 2.
I just don't want my Dad to suffer or be in pain. It might sound terrible but I want him to go quickly. When he opens his eyes I know he is seeing the other side. I am ready I guess as ready as I will ever be. My 3 sisters, my mother and myself. We all made the decision together to stop everything so we all ready and prepared. I guess we are lucky to have this time before he goes.
Me again, I want to share one more thing with you, My Father had gone in the Hospital on a Friday, Sunday he knew he was very sick and he was also afraid to die, he didn't want to go. On Wednesday he had a very strong sense of peace, he wanted to go, He told my Mom she is a strong woman and she is financially set and that he loved her. Thursday he was slipping into more of a comatose state and Friday he died. When the entire Family got there on Friday, we knew he was holding on, Everyone was there but my son Brad, I told my Dad that Brad was on his was, Brad was 17 years old at the time and he loved Brad so much. The minute Brad walked in the Door, he went up to my Dad and said I love you Grandpa, once my father heard his voice he passed on, it was like we waited for him.
Thank you for sharing your experiance with me. I just got home from the hospital and trying to wind down. When I first arrived around 6:00p.m. he actually was looking better with his coloring but by the time I left the color was going again. He is starting to swell. My Mother and I worked for quite some time to get his wedding band off so they didn't have to saw it off. He is hardly speaking at all nor opening his eyes much. He gets a morphine shot every 4 hours 1mg just to make him as comfortable as possible and every couple hours they come in and turn him and change him. When he does open his eyes he looks void. No spark just void of all expression. My Mom thinks he will hold on until next week but I think he will go after wednesday. I hope he does because I don't want him to suffer any more than he already has. Everything that could help him respitory wise was discontinued this morning. Every breath has a gurggle of fluid to it and every once in a while he rubs his chest. I just want him to be at peace now.
Gosh, This sounds all to familiar, My Father had the gurgling sound when he took a breath, I know you feel prepared but it's still going to be hard. My Father has been gone for seven years and I still think of him everyday. You are right is saying he needs peace, you have a good perspective on this entire thing. Now when my Father did pass my daughter was 7 years old and she was very devastated. She loved her grandpa, she was actually screaming in her sleep and didn't even know it. We had to put her in counseling threw the school she was attending at the time, it did help. So keep close watch on your five year old, they have a hard time understanding it all. My daughter had made a candle out of paper, colored it and taped it in the window, she said that Grandpa will be able to look down from heaven and see our house because of the candle in the window.
My 5 year old keeps saying she wants to see her Gramps but when we took the girls on sunday she would not go near him. I know it freaked her out to see him that way so I don't want to take them back. It freaks me out so I can imagine what she was thinking.
At least they are moving him into a private room today. He had another man next to him who would scream out all the time and then start cursing. The family that would visit him was very rude and even though we were only supposed to have 2 people the dr. said it was o.k. for us to all be back there with him. These women would make little nasty comments about "all the people" in the room. THANK GOD he is getting into a private room now........That actually makes my day better.
So now were in the waiting game. Really no changes. I am praying for it to happen asap. Even though he is getting morphine I know he is still suffering a little. He has to be with all the nasty in his lungs and the gurggling. I really hope this does not go on much longer.
Oh Nikki - I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.....
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Life just keeps throwing crap your way these days......I know you are strong, but enough is enough......right?
I think it's great that you wrote your dad the letter and read it to him. He knows you love him. I lost my dad 5 1/2 years ago and still miss him, but I know he's not suffering anymore and is in a better place. You and your family are in my prayers.
Hey You.........It is nice to hear from you. Yes enough is enough. I hate 2006 and I am ready for it to be over. This is hard what is happening and it is going to get harder through the next week. I feel I am strong but it is getting ridiculous now. There has been so much sickness and death around me I feel as though it will never stop. At this point I really just want my daddy to go cause I really do NOT want him to suffer. He is a good man and does not deserve this. We are already checking into the deed to the burial plot, talking to the p****t, and my Mother is getting ready to go and talk to the funeral home.
Thank God I have these boards to vent and keep my sanity. You all are wonderful and a God send- Truely............Thank you for being you Rose.
I'm new here and this post caught my attention, I went through this very thing. not once, but twice. both my mother and father died of differing causes. but both very slowly and painfully. I offer as many prayers as I can for you and yours. I know the morphine is clouding his mind and thoughts but what he may need from you now is your permission for him to leave you. it is hard to give sometimes but none the less needed. both my parents held on until the whole family had told them it was alright to go and we would take care of each other afterwards. remember, they spent a life time taking care of you and need to know that you'll be OK after they are gone. also, take this time to say EVERYTHING you ever wanted to. it is far easier to do now that afterward and it will help you down the road to recovery.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I too have been there with my Father. My father was a military man and my mother and father seperated when I was three. At the age of 13 I found my father and became very close to him thru letters. My father retired from the military and was an alcoholic and loner and I was very upset with him as he chose alcohol over his children and grandchildren. He finally sobered up when I turned 25 years old and we reunited only to find out that he had lung cancer. He moved home with me to enjoy his grandchildren. He loved them so much and realized what he had missed out on. I forgave him and he forgave himself. I lost him in my home unexpectedly during a snow storm. He was still a very active young (57) man and his heart gave out to his pain medication. It is a very hard thing to go thru. Because of the snow storm and the inability for someone to come take him from my home, he remained in my home for 7 hours. During this time I sat and said my goodbyes and let my children do the same. I only wish I could have been there by his side when he passed such as you are doing for your father. My father passed in the middle of the nite. I will leave you with this. An elderly neighbor who just lost his wife came to sit by my side and he said to me " This is only a body here, his soul went to heaven long ago" My neighbor helped me see the light. My children were young and when they say "I miss grandpa" I tell them "He misses you too"..I had 6 wonderful months with my father and I am thankful for that and will always treasure the memories. Hugs to you and your family!
Just a short post to let you all know that my Daddy met Jesus at 12:00p.m. today. I will post later on what happened but I will say I am shattered. He sufficated very slowly from all the fluid in his chest but I made myself stay by his side the whole time and comforted him. I am completly broken right now and when I am up to it I will post more.