Feeling confused and helpless - Death & Dying Message Board

monrose · 06-18-2006, 01:37 PM

Just wondering how everyone else out there deals with loss. My mind is cluttered and I feel like I can't make even the smallest decisions sometimes. I'm having trouble remebering even the smallest words or things. I'm a senior in college and my grades have all dropped and I even had to take last quarter off just to catch my breath. I felt like I was going to have a total breakdown. It's totaly embarassing.

My main loss is my mother whom I was very close to. She took her own life a little over a year ago. She was a great person. She battled anxiety, panic attacks and depression just as I have since I was 16. She lost the battle even through hospital care, love and time spent by priests, parents, children and everyone else who loved her. I know how she felt and I don't even blame her which scares me. Every time the panic attacks come back they seems to just weaken me and I'm scared to death that it will someday grab hold of me the way it did her.

I also lost my ex and a close friend to suicide and my Godfather and Grandfather both past away just months before my mother. So my world has felt a little upside-down. Has anyone else felt similarly? Is there anything I can do to clear my mind and begin to move forward? Things seem to slowly be getting a little easier but its hard to move on or move forward. I feel stuck in a rut sometimes.

Thanks,
Monica

bcwooley · 06-19-2006, 08:02 PM

I don't have a lot of answers for you as I am still struggling with my own loss. I can tell you that you have made a good start by coming here and writing down your feelings. Someone wrote to just write down everything you are feeling even if no one answers you. That was good advise. I come here whenever I have a hard time and write down what happened and it helps. Even if no one answers it doesn't matter. Just continue to put your feelings down. Who will know you or judge you on these boards? It gives you a freedom to write whatever you choose with no holding back and that, gives you relief. Please continue to come.

suzi191 · 06-29-2006, 06:51 PM

YOur battle with anxiety, panic disorder and depression does not have to end the way your mothers did. It sounds to me like you are on the right track, you are in college, preparing for the future. None of us know what the future holds, but we do the best that we can to prepare for it and to face it. I have panic/anxiety disorder. ANd when it acts up I can becomne depressed by it. BUt I never let it get me completely down. I fight it, I gtet up, I let myself have the time to reflect, to be human, to not have to be super woman all the time, I rest when I need to , tske a step b ack, use what ever mind over matter techniques that I can to over come it. I have had it since about 89, and I have learned ways to deal. At first I wouldnt leave the house after the first attack, but I had 2 kids to take care of whom I loved, I took meds for a few years til I realized the meds were not the answer for me, but are for others, I stopped meds and found ways to cope within myself.And now I do all the things people with out panic disaorder can do...sometimes I fell the anxiety/panic begin to well up, I deal with it, it subsides, I go on about my life.....you have a bright future ahead,,,,you are not your mom/////

monrose · 06-29-2006, 11:12 PM

Thanks everyone for your great responses. It looks like the answer is to just keep taking it all one day at a time. I have been writing and it helps, but I start running out of things to say- it just gets repetitive. I have searched all over for grief counseling in my area and believe it or not- there is none available! I have been seeing an RN at school who's a grandmotherly type and she has turned out to be very comforting. I also know I'm not my Mom, but the similarities in our conditions are so very similar and sometimes when I'm at my worst, I fear that I will lose control of my mind and just give up the way she did. Knowing now how horrible the aftermath is for so many people who loved her, I still eel like I could never really act on those kinds of feelings- but then again she would have never done that if she was in her right mind either. Just have to stay strong and healthy and try to stick to my goals and not try to be the "superwoman" that I was hoping to be. That is OK though. Thank you all very much for your info and support. It was nice hearing your opinions.