I am still in shock over this - it will be 7 weeks. She went in the country and shot herself. It was either late on her 35th birthday or early the next morning as they can't really pinpoint it. She wasn't found until the next afternoon. She left a precious 5 year old and husband that loved her. I am so sad. No one expected this. We found out she had become addicted to hydrocodone (like vicadon) and had run up large credit card bills ordering over the internet. Her husband knew but thought he had helped her get over it and then found out she was still using it. I am angry this kind of usage is allowed. Anyone can get large quantities if they are willing to pay enough just by a few clicks on the internet. She suffered from depression and also was on anti-depressants but I really thought they were working. I know she knew she couldn't continue doing it and was not strong enough to go through the withdrawal. But my heart is breaking over this and that she now has this poor little boy that doesn't understand why his mommy is gone. She was a good mother to him and played with him all the time.
I don't know what happened but I know this could not have been planned. She had just gotten her antidepressants refilled that very day, she cashed a check I had given her for her birthday, she got her haircut that week, she had plans for the weekend with her sister so it doesn't make sense to me. She must have snapped that night and got up and left the house. She left a note but it really didn't say anything about why other than the world was an awful place and she didn't have patience for it anymore.
We got along well - she knew I loved her so much - I wasn't able to see her on her birthday - I had called and left her a message but she wasn't home and I keep thinking had I been able to see her or talk to her that day, it would have somehow made her want to live but I know that's probably not true - not if her own little boy couldn't give her that will to live.
I keep having chest pains now and I know I need to stay healthy for everyone and I'm afraid maybe I won't. I get angry sometimes but I love her so much that I can't really be angry just sorry .... I am trying to turn to God for help and strength but nothing has ever been this bad in my life. I've never been a whiner and I am trying to be strong about this but inside I am really breaking apart.
of course you are broken inside. she was your child. i am so sorry for your loss. i have lost a daughter in a tragic car accident and my only sister to suicide so i know the pain you feel. there are no words to help and i know that so i won't try. just try to talk to your daughter when you can, spend alot of time with God, cry when you need too and scream when that's what you need. don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. it's in your way. there are no rights and no wrongs. in time you will find a place in your heart to put your daughters memorie that you can live with. you will never be the same and until you know who you are now it will not be easy. come here as often as you can for support. my prayers tonight will be for your peace and for your daughters. i'm sending you my shoulder use it if you need too.
dearest Pegranny ,
I am so sorry for your loss.
i was reading your words and felt so heart broken for you,
i know it hurts and i am so sorry to hear this.
please know that we are all here for you.
in love and light.
And part of you will be broken apart the rest of your days. It is the cruelness of life. We just cannot plan what is going to happen. Each day is different. No two days alike. Live for today. Never know about tomorrow. But my dear friend you must understand that this is not your fault and as hard as it is you must be strong. You must dig down deep in your soul and find the peace that will be there. This will take much time. You will always miss her. She was troubled. Drugs do that. The person that uses them gets lost. They lose all track of reality. This world is a hard enough place to live without dealing with the unknown of the drug world. Each of us has a burden in life to deal with. Some of ours get better and with some of us it goes on every day. There is no answer to help you find peace. You just will have to take each day at a time. Find the wonderful things about her and remember them. As for her son. Look at that little boy. As you look at him hold his tiny hands in yours. You have been left a present in life. She knew you were there and she left you a piece of you. You gave birth to your daughter. Her blood was your blood. Her body was your body. She gave birth to your grandson. When you hold those little hands you are holding yourself. She was you and he is you too. Remember that and love him and keep her memories good for him. So much love. Peace will come but it will take time.....Love, love and more love to you..
Pegranny- I wish I could help you. I just lost my sister-in-law by the way of suicide. She was a very unhappy and sick person. Everyone loved her dearly but it was never enough. She was waiting for surgery and was taking alot of morphine for her back pain. The only way I can personally deal with it without getting mad at her for leaving behind her 2 teenagers is by thinking that maybe she is in a happier place. I have been feeling just sick as it has been only a couple of days. I guess I will have my up's and downs. We will all miss her dearly. It's too bad she didn't realize how much love she had from us. I can blame everyone all I want but it won't change the situation. Just continue to love those around you and remember all the happy times. Take care!!!
I wish I had the words that would comfort you, however let me share something about antidepressants. I know through personal experience that if I go one day without it, it turns you into a completely different person. Especially if you are experiencing financial difficulties or something else that is taking over your mind. I am sure she snapped at that moment, not thinking about anything else in her life and became overwhelmed...especially if she missed her medication. It's a horrible thing the person goes through and that one moment seems like the answer. I'm sure she loved you with all her heart, and her family. That could never change and don't ever feel like there was something someone could have did at that one moment or it could eat away with you forever. Focus on how much she loved you every day. Collect the memories that are so special to you. Write them down and read them often. Remember when she was little and her first steps, how it felt when she ran up and hugged you. Think of all the times she looked at you with pure love in her heart. Become overwhelmed with all of those times, that is what she would want, because as your grandchild grows up those are things you want to share and focus on. Know you are a wonderful mother and raised a wonderful daughter, what happened does not change that. Hold on to that love.
I am so sorry you lost your daughter to suicide, I know your pain and it is a very hard one to bare. As one person replied and said some days if you need to scream go ahead and scream. I lost my only child in August 2004 to suicide, and I grieve his loss everyday. If I had not turned to God, then joined a grief support group and sought counceling I would not be here today. My son was 22 years old and had been sick all of his life, he was Bi-Polar. In spite of all the medications, hospitals, doctors and counceling it couldn't save him.
You have a grandchild to help take care of now that needs you very much. I have my sons dog that he left behind that I take care of, I am the only one she has now. A dog and a grandchild does not compare but they both need us.
Take Care, may God watch over you and comfort you each and everyday of the rest of your life.
My daughter is bipolar and has attempted suicide 3 times. she is 17. I am so afarid that she will one day succeed. Everyday, I check up on her, when I go up the stairs that lead to her bed, my heart starts to beat faster and faster. I touch her feet, and when she moves, I feel great relief. I cry evryday. I am so afraid.
I wanted to tell you, that I am very sorry for your loss. I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry to hear your Daughter has attempted suicide 3 times, I see why you are concerned. I went through that with my son it was very stressful for everyone. It became a 24/7 job for me trying to keep him alive, unfortunately he suceeded on his last attempt. Does your daughter take her medications regularly? Usually Bi-polars do not like to take the prescribed medications because of the way it makes them feel. My heart and prayers go out to you this is a very difficult thing for any parent to go through. I just pray that she never suceeds in her attempts. I miss my son each and everyday it doesn't get any easier but I manage to continue to take one day at a time.
Laura - I got tears in my eyes when I read your message. I worry constantly, day and night that my daughter will kill herself. She is 36, and has had a difficult and unhappy life. She is not married, and considers herself unwanted and worthless. She is seriously depressed, but won't take an antidepressant. I live 350 miles from her, so I can't check on her in person. When I don't hear from her I get panicky and frightened and feel like I my heart is racing and my throat and chest is tight. I fight back tears all the time. It's a terrible way to spend my old age. I pray every day that I will die first, before anything happens to her. My heart aches for her. My only wish in life is to see her reasonably happy before I die.
I hope your daughter will recover soon, and go on to live a normal life. My prayers go out to you.
Pegranny - Your loss is more than I can bear to imagine. It will take you a long time to heal. I mean you will never heal, but I hope you will eventually come to some sort of understanding and acceptance.
Thanks to everyone for their kind words and thoughts. Yes, the holidays are extremely difficult. I am holding up only because of my other daughters and their wonderful support and God has given me comfort and much to contemplate. I just can't turn back time which is what I really want to do so I have to look forward. I know someday I will reunite with my daughter. I am spending time with her son and trying to be there for him and his dad. I feel so bad for them at times that my heart just wants to break. So many things bring tears to my eyes. I wish I could help everyone that has a situation like this in their family. We just have to love to the best we can and hope that the love will prevent someone from doing this. I think I would talk about it with them and try to let them know the absolute heartbreak this action would bring to their families. I do wish I had the answers. I hate to say it but I am glad the holidays are ending and hope the new year will help. I wish the best for everyone out there.