My dad passed away last thursday - Death & Dying Message Board

Rebecca29 · 10-12-2006, 08:57 PM

I am so extremely sad.....I have been told that it takes time.
I am 29 the older sibling in my family. My dad had lung cancer and tounge cancer and copd. We found out about 3yrs ago when he decided to go to the E.R. He was so afraid to find out that he had cancer and put it off till he couldnt stand being sick anymore.
He moved in with me a yr ago this month. He was my rock. Then only person that cared about my feelings, someone i could count on, someone that was there for whatever. He was like a father to my now 12 yr old son. He did everything with him. We all knew there would come a time when he would die. But you can never be prepared. He held in there for 3 yrs. I am so glad that i had that time with him. Most people that have lung cancer dont make it over a yr. so i am thankful for that. He had a will to live.
He never once complained of extreme pain to me. I cant even remember when the last time he got outta the house. I think i have experienced a time warp.
He loved getting out and doing things. Then it came to a point that he couldnt get out of the house anymore. His pain meds were almost gone and i tried calling the doctors to have them prescribe more. They wanted him to come in. But because of his copd he had trouble breathing. Thank god this lady was concerned at the docs office and hooked him up with hospice.
I didnt talk with my dad much. I checked on him got him what he needed. He hated the thought of oxygen but he put it on for me.
He thought he was getting sick so i talked to hospice they sent the nurse out last monday. They put him on antibotics. The previous friday he didnt come back into the living room....he ended up retreating to the bedroom. He slept all the time and barely ate anything. I told him on mon or tues that it was ok to let go. we would be fine i reassured him that we loved him and that he was a good father. He always felt that he was a failure to us.
On wednesday he was a wake all day and he actually ate a little. I didnt talk to him much. He looked exhausted before i went to bed.
I had talked to the hopsice counsler the previouse thurs and my son had expressed that he was afraid to walk in there and find him dead. So i made sure i was the first one to go in. On oct 5 when i went in the room i was shocked to find him that way. He did so good on wednesday.
I cant seem to understand it. I loved him so much. I wish i would have talked with him more. My heart had been ripped out. Then it dawned on me that he never got the chance to tell me what he wanted to get my son for christmas he said he would when he knew what to get him.
I wish that i would have spent more time talking with him. I did the best i could. I keep searching for a letter or something but i cant find one.
Then abother question poped in my head omg what if i wouldnt have told him to let go would he still be here? He felt that he was a burden i tried reassuring him he wasnt. I loved him. But my mind is so far gone that i hope he didnt think i wanted him to go. I hope he knows how much i love him! I never wanted him to go. I just wanted him to be at peace and if he was hanging in there for us that would have been selfish of me.
Will there ever be a good day? I miss him so much! I would give anything to hear his voice again and see his face.

loboo · 10-13-2006, 04:45 AM

Hi Rebecca, my Dad died at the begining of the year in January. I totally understand what you have written in your post. You can never be prepared for the loss and the feelings. You ask yourself the same questions over and over. My Dad had Parkinsons and strokes. He had gone to hospital and they patched him up, two weeks after getting sent back to his home (nursing home) the staff wnted him o go back into hospital, he refused, I kept thinking if I had made him go he would have been here a little longer. But Dad had had enough, he made his decision,he wanted to die at his home, not hospital and who was I to be selfsh and take the choice away. Some days I wish I had been selfish just to have had him here a little longer. For four days I sat wit him while I knew he was passing, every day I said 'i''ll be back soon' or 'see you in the mornign' On the last night I said to him 'not long now Dad, you are so brave I will be here if you need me' nd kissed him for the last time. I knew he didnt want me there when he passed, he always said so, and I wasnt. Like you I chersih that I had him here so close to us and I spent every day with him. He was my rock, like your Dad and although I am 34 and married with four lovely children, he was my world too. You find you have good days and you find you have bad ones. I am not going to lie, it doesn't get easier, you just learn to cope. You're not on your own
Im at the end of an email, if you need to get it all out
Lois x

cher1052 · 10-13-2006, 06:32 AM

Hi Rebecca, Like you have also lost my mom-from a short battle with lung cancer-she was diagnosed may 10th of this year-and passed away July 11,2006. (Nearly 2 mths to the day she was diagnosed) I was living with her-and it was a good thing-after being in the hospital for a week-my sister brought her home-she began radiation and chemo in about a week-all was going good-then she became ill-found out it was from the chemo-her body couldn't handle both-her DR. was fabulous...she talked with her-wanted her to stop the chemo-but my mom was ready to fight...but she found out that she didn't have the say in this. All of us have our own way of healing-mine goes in spurts-good-bad days, even want to call her to tell her about somthing I saw when shopping-then remember-I can't... My thoughts and prayers...Cher

loosofhope0021 · 10-13-2006, 11:20 PM

hay i amm so so so so sorry to hear that i lost my father at the age of 19 which was last dec 10 of 05 and i still cant get over it i cant get the picture out of my mind when me my moma and my sister found him i fell like i have been cheated out of life with my father but then again i feel like i didnt deserve him i was so mean and harsh to him they always say u never miss some one till they are gone and i wish i would of told him how much i loved him and how much i looked up to him but i didnt now i feel so bad they had to put me on sleeping med to sleep at night i am depression meds and bipolar meds i am so scared to let a guy get close to me becasue of what happened to my father and now i wish i could go back in time but i cant i wish i done stuff like u but they told my father that he would die from sorousec to the liver but they didnt know when well i guess god had other plans for him well i thought i would write u and tell u how sorry i am to hear about that well
[removed]

emmalou · 10-16-2006, 07:21 PM

Hi,

My mum passed away on Thursday 12th October, two months after finding out her cancer was terminal!!

I can relate to everything you are feeling as i miss my mum dreadfully and know that my life will never be the same again!!!

The only thing i am glad about is that she is not suffering anymore as i hated the thought of knowing she was in pain.

The pain of living without her now is just as tough and i don't know how to get through it either!!!

Sending much love to you at this terrible time, Emma,xx