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Old 12-16-2006, 10:58 AM   #1
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has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

my mum had cancer. she passed away on two years ago and as i witnessed it all i have some qs...(am struggling more this year than last couple) :-(

The resthome had phoned me on saturday to say she had deteriorated and so I took all the kids out for last visit. They talked to her, gave her a kiss and told her they love her (she didnt respond).
Then I wasnt going to visit on Sunday (hadnt thought end was close) and was out with James (my then 8 week old baby) when suddenly was gripped by need to visit. This was about 10am so headed out there. When I arrived was told her breathing had changed and they were going to get another assessment from hospice.
So began my days vigil. Her breathing relaxed again after I arrived, and she did open her eyes a few times..not sure if she registered me, but did reach out ?for my hand a few times. So I spent the day holding her hand, talking to her and kissing her etc.
At 1pm they put a syringe driver in as she couldnt swallow meds anymore. There were periods of erratic breathing but at 4.30 my MIL came to relieve me, and they said she was stable. I told mum I would be back later and not to go anywhere. I phoned MIL at 6pm and she said mum was doing really well and breathing had stabilised steady again. So I got back about 6.50pm. Almost as soon as I had told her I was back the breathing became odd again. Although they told me I could probably go home to sleep that night I just didnt feel that was right. My best buddy turned up about 7.15pm and we were talking when I noticed that mum had opened her eyes really open. I dont know if she registered me cos she didnt seem to react when I got in her face, but her eyes really tracked right around the room a couple of times, then she stopped breathing. I collapsed, hugged her and told her I love her etc, then she took another breath which freaked me out and I nearly hit the roof. A couple of more breaths later she stopped again and this time didnt start again. The nurse was there by then (I had rung the bell after she first stopped) and couldnt find a pulse so said she was gone. He asked if I knew someone upstairs as apparently it was one of the most peaceful passings he has seen, no struggle or discomfort.
I am grateful that she wasnt in physical or emotional pain. Just have to get used to life without her now, but it does feel like I am living in limbo waiting until we can all be together again.

so i have a couple of qs for you...do you think mum would have heard/seen me at the end? is it usual for eyes to come open like that right before the end? what could she have been seeing as she tracked her eyes around???any other comments. btw please tell me what you think is true not what you think i want to hear! i just hope they were right that she didnt suffer. I guess i really wish i could know what the experience of it all was like for her, thats what freaks me the most.

 
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Old 12-18-2006, 01:59 AM   #2
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

I have seen this too many times , and I am careful with this subject.
What you understand is quite good. Her death was gentle ,these reaction are simply the body shuting down.
She died the most peaceful way possible !!!
Did she see something?
The subject of "Near Death Experience" might answer your question. There are web sites on this subject. Personally I went through one of these and came back. If you want to know about this use [Goggle,or a9.com] to look up the subject.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 03:36 AM   #3
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

I have to agree with dutch-I remember when we called Hospice-our mom was having a bad day-very antzy-calling names-calling for her mother's help-we also gave her some drops of her meds to calm her. She was still like that after about 30-40 min-and when Hospice got to the house they gave her some more drops mom was more relaxed and died a very peaceful death-I stood with my siblings when she was taking her last breaths-it was hard I think about it alot too. Take care---Cherie

 
Old 12-18-2006, 05:16 PM   #4
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

my mum also had cancer. it was in the lungs and then it spreaded to the brain. i was with her the day she passed away.
we took her to the hospital because she hasn't been eating or drinking for 3 days. so we thought it would be best if we had those fluids injected into her.
as i recall, i came home from work earlier than normal and our family doctor visited her. our worries were if she caught pnuemonia. but she deteriorated very quickly that night. they talked about leaving her at the hospital.
i knew she didn't like the hospital and in my family that was a hurdle itself. because the adults don't listen to 'kids'
she died just 3 mintues after we got her home on the 1st of September 2006. she left very peacefully, as if she was smiling.
with your mum. i think she knew you were there and she heard you as well. when i bought my mum home that night. my little sis was at home sleeping - it was nearly 4 in the morning. and when she heard my lil sis called out to her she smiled and then she passed.
it does hurt, more than anyone can put into words. and no one can tell us how or what to feel. the hard thing is living and knowing that someone we turn to for help and support is no longer there. i guess time will change things. but for the better or worse remains to be seen.
stay strong. take care of yourselves and, if we keep them alive in our minds they will always be alive in our hearts. - Missing you, Mummy

 
Old 12-19-2006, 02:31 PM   #5
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shellyshelly
my mum also had cancer. it was in the lungs and then it spreaded to the brain. i was with her the day she passed away.
we took her to the hospital because she hasn't been eating or drinking for 3 days. so we thought it would be best if we had those fluids injected into her.
as i recall, i came home from work earlier than normal and our family doctor visited her. our worries were if she caught pnuemonia. but she deteriorated very quickly that night. they talked about leaving her at the hospital.
i knew she didn't like the hospital and in my family that was a hurdle itself. because the adults don't listen to 'kids'
she died just 3 mintues after we got her home on the 1st of September 2006. she left very peacefully, as if she was smiling.
with your mum. i think she knew you were there and she heard you as well. when i bought my mum home that night. my little sis was at home sleeping - it was nearly 4 in the morning. and when she heard my lil sis called out to her she smiled and then she passed.
it does hurt, more than anyone can put into words. and no one can tell us how or what to feel. the hard thing is living and knowing that someone we turn to for help and support is no longer there. i guess time will change things. but for the better or worse remains to be seen.
stay strong. take care of yourselves and, if we keep them alive in our minds they will always be alive in our hearts. - Missing you, Mummy
Shelly-it is amazing how at least 3 of us respondingto this have had parents that died of cancer-my mom passed away from lung cancer also-which had spread to her brain-we found out on may 10th-she died on july 11th.... All of her children and grandkids were able to visit with her before she passed away. She was my best friend-and I know I'll have a harder time dealing with her passing than I did when my dad died in 1989. take care-cherie

 
Old 12-20-2006, 06:31 AM   #6
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

Hi...I was with both of my parents as they passed away..each from Cancer. His was Prostate Cancer and hers was Breast Cancer. My Dad passed Aug '04 and my Mom passed Nov '05. They were both sick at the same time and I was their caregiver. A long difficult road. It's now been just over a year since my Mom died and I'm having a terrible time dealing with everything. Their deaths haunt me. In the end I guess it was peaceful when they took their last breaths, but getting to that point was not. My Dad went pretty quick as his cancer had spread to his brain. But my Mom lingered a long time as hers went to her liver. Was very hard...needless to say this time of year is very difficult. Trying to hide the Xmas blues from my kids but probably not doing a very good job...oh well, I should at least get an A for effort...

 
Old 01-10-2007, 07:40 PM   #7
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

My dad just passed away November 5 2006.
We were all with him. Towards the last few days he never opened his eyes nor would he squeeze our hands. All of the hospice nurses told us that hearing is always the last thing to go. I feel like as time goes by its getting harder and harder. When it seems like it should get easier. I miss him so much.
Heather

 
Old 01-10-2007, 08:27 PM   #8
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

My dad died in 1991,I was at his bed side for 10 days When we were told it was close,about 20 family members crowded into his room. He had not been awake for about 24 hours. But we all took a turn to tell him goodbye. Then the nurse sit down beside him and told us minute by minute then he was going. Then when he died she cryed with us I was so touched by her care It was about 3 hours passed her shift but her never left us She was our angel it helped make dads passing a lot easiler.

 
Old 01-13-2007, 03:26 PM   #9
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

I was not with my grandmother when she passed, but those that were with her said that she opened her eyes really wide, and it seems like she was looking at something that she was so in awe of. Something that transcended the room, if that makes sense.

I was with my uncle when he passed. He was taken off life support, and was on a heavy morphine drip. His heart continued to beat for another 10 minutes or so. I can't remember if he opened his eyes or not... Honestly, I kept glancing from him to the monitors, watching his heart rate as it would drop, go back up a little, then drop.

I never thought I would have the strength to stay by someone's side as they took their last breaths. Even the most peaceful passing can be difficult to witness. At least for me.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 05:14 PM   #10
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

yes I was at my father in laws bedside when he passed.
He had cancer of the throat after 18 mos and 3 sessions of chemo the cancer had taken over.
The evening prior he was in and out of consiousness not eating much,
I noticed he was taking his oxygen mask in his hand he would jiggle it or shake it, while it was giving him air.
I asked the nurses if he was getting enough oxygen? The reason he was jiggling his oxygen mask. She replied that he was on 100% she said, its probably his body shutting down. I thought he had more time he fought so hard.

I saw the human spirit fight death that night, when he thought his mask wasnt working properly,
He died that morning, he took a couple of big breaths his mouth would open real wide, once or twice. I looked at the heartrate monitor and it read 10 then 2, then 0 that when his eyes came forward. The nurse was in the room she explained what was going on actually there was 10 people in the room. I was at the foot of the bed right infront of him,
The nurse said its taking a while for him to go because

hes been around for so long. Gale was 64. Hes missed so very much.

td9997

Last edited by td9997; 02-24-2007 at 06:11 PM.

 
Old 01-16-2007, 03:24 PM   #11
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

I was at my Grandfather and Dads beside when they both passed. My Grandfather was numb to his pain. He had a massive heartattack brought on by his heart aneurysm bursting. He was holding my hand the whole time (4 years ago he died and i was 16 at the time) I told him I love him and to hang on and he smiled at me, squeezed my hand then touched his chest and mine which was out signal when I was a little girl for I love you. After that his heart stopped twice, I performed CPR and brought him back but he passed away 19th sept 2002 in his bedroom on the floor. My Dad passed away in hispital due to severe respiratory failure. He had COPD and other lung diseases and heart disease and he died gasping for breath. It broke my heart seeing my dad pass like that. he died 28th dec 2004. so just over 2 years ago now.

 
Old 01-21-2007, 12:15 AM   #12
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

My Mom died August 3,2006 at the age of 63. Uterine cancer. She fought for 4 long years.
I was by her side and took care of her for the last two months of her life.
It was like reading a script as the nurses and Dr.'s told us what would happen.

She died where she wanted to be, at home with here family. She began to breathe shallowly about 6pm the night before and passed just before 10 am.

It was beautiful. She opened her eyes, looked straight at my Dad and mouthed the words I Love You and then closed her eyes and died with a smile on her face.

It hurts yes, but I am grateful I was there.

 
Old 01-29-2007, 08:22 AM   #13
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

Quote:
Originally Posted by _mystictiger_ View Post
I was at my Grandfather and Dads beside when they both passed. My Grandfather was numb to his pain. He had a massive heartattack brought on by his heart aneurysm bursting. He was holding my hand the whole time (4 years ago he died and i was 16 at the time) I told him I love him and to hang on and he smiled at me, squeezed my hand then touched his chest and mine which was out signal when I was a little girl for I love you. After that his heart stopped twice, I performed CPR and brought him back but he passed away 19th sept 2002 in his bedroom on the floor. My Dad passed away in hispital due to severe respiratory failure. He had COPD and other lung diseases and heart disease and he died gasping for breath. It broke my heart seeing my dad pass like that. he died 28th dec 2004. so just over 2 years ago now.
Mystictiger, my dad has copd and had a stroke six months ago. He is incontinent, very unstable, just went on oxygen, has inhalers, his right artery is 75% blocked, he got a fever a few days ago, coughs real hard with no mucus. I got him some robitussin cough this past Saturday. Found out that later that day after I left, he walked a few feet from the bed to the toilet and on his way back he fell and hit his head on the chest and got a small cut. How long did your dad have copd? My dad is 76 and has been a heavy smoker since he was 12 years old! He was the oldest of six boys and they all smoked too. He quit after his stroke with the help of patches. He was also a heavy drinker up till age 55.

I have not been with anyone at the time of passing. But, my youngest brother was with my oldest brother - 49 when he passed from throat cancer that metasticized to his lungs. I was with my brother all day the last day he was alive. He was very fidgety and when I got to his room in the hospital, there was mucous all over the place and as I sat there watching him while he slept, I noticed his oxygen was off. I went to get the nurse and said where is his oxygen. She came right in and said he just moved around so much it fell off. I asked her how long ago someone had checked him to see how long he'd been without it. Anyway, he went to hospice that night and my brother stayed with him. We all heard the death snore though. It is described as a real loud deep snortle. Very scary. Got a call that he passed away about 3am. I have not asked my brother for details as it was too hard on him, but he did say that he kind of woke up from the morphine and yelled, this is a bad dream!! they gave him more morphin and he passed away.

Through all of our pain seeing loved ones go, we have to remember that there are still people that need our attention. Especially kids. You need to grieve but death is part of life. Don't let it take your life too. My promise to myself while my father is dying is that I will allow myself to be happy around my children without feeling guilty. We have many emotions and we need to use them all to get us through. God Bless.
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Old 02-11-2007, 04:23 PM   #14
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

I did not get to see my mom at the very end!

I found out around Thanksgiving that my mom had been hospitalized. I am now living in North Carolina and was in the Military at the time. I had seen her in September and I never knew anything was wrong. (I don't think my brother or dad knew either) She seemed to be her normal self. But she rarely went to the doctors. It must have been several years since the last time that she was hospitalized. (The last time that she had been hospitalized she had passed out). They seemed to be taking a long time finding out what was wrong with her (It was about 3 days later). I finally said look, I am in the Military, I need to know if I should be coming home now. They finally said that she had ovarian cancer and was in the late stages. I flew home the Friday after Thanksgiving and I was there for 11 days when I had to fly back. At that time my mom hadn't eaten or drank an extremely little for about a month. She was on IV's though. Sawbuck it is "funny" that you mentioned the death snore because when she slept that last day I was there it was the first time that I ever recalled hearing her snore. Another "funny" thing is although she was extremely weak she still talked at times and would ask about things such as "Did we find the keys?" and "Did you get rid of the cat?" every once in awhile which I though was really amazing because she never became senile even at the very end. I had to fly back that Sunday and my brother saw my mom on Monday. He was the last person in the family to see her. She asked him if it was going to rain. The end of Monday she was transferred to a hospice and I was not there to see her in her last moments! Early that Tuesday I received a phone call from my brother saying that she had passed. I think that she kept holding on at the end because she knew that I/we were there and then finally passed away, alone. I then flew back to New York for the wake and funeral.

 
Old 02-14-2007, 05:11 PM   #15
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Re: has anyone been with a loved one as they passed away?

Quote:
Originally Posted by presson View Post
my mum had cancer. she passed away on two years ago and as i witnessed it all i have some qs...(am struggling more this year than last couple) :-(

The resthome had phoned me on saturday to say she had deteriorated and so I took all the kids out for last visit. They talked to her, gave her a kiss and told her they love her (she didnt respond).
Then I wasnt going to visit on Sunday (hadnt thought end was close) and was out with James (my then 8 week old baby) when suddenly was gripped by need to visit. This was about 10am so headed out there. When I arrived was told her breathing had changed and they were going to get another assessment from hospice.
So began my days vigil. Her breathing relaxed again after I arrived, and she did open her eyes a few times..not sure if she registered me, but did reach out ?for my hand a few times. So I spent the day holding her hand, talking to her and kissing her etc.
At 1pm they put a syringe driver in as she couldnt swallow meds anymore. There were periods of erratic breathing but at 4.30 my MIL came to relieve me, and they said she was stable. I told mum I would be back later and not to go anywhere. I phoned MIL at 6pm and she said mum was doing really well and breathing had stabilised steady again. So I got back about 6.50pm. Almost as soon as I had told her I was back the breathing became odd again. Although they told me I could probably go home to sleep that night I just didnt feel that was right. My best buddy turned up about 7.15pm and we were talking when I noticed that mum had opened her eyes really open. I dont know if she registered me cos she didnt seem to react when I got in her face, but her eyes really tracked right around the room a couple of times, then she stopped breathing. I collapsed, hugged her and told her I love her etc, then she took another breath which freaked me out and I nearly hit the roof. A couple of more breaths later she stopped again and this time didnt start again. The nurse was there by then (I had rung the bell after she first stopped) and couldnt find a pulse so said she was gone. He asked if I knew someone upstairs as apparently it was one of the most peaceful passings he has seen, no struggle or discomfort.
I am grateful that she wasnt in physical or emotional pain. Just have to get used to life without her now, but it does feel like I am living in limbo waiting until we can all be together again.

so i have a couple of qs for you...do you think mum would have heard/seen me at the end? is it usual for eyes to come open like that right before the end? what could she have been seeing as she tracked her eyes around???any other comments. btw please tell me what you think is true not what you think i want to hear! i just hope they were right that she didnt suffer. I guess i really wish i could know what the experience of it all was like for her, thats what freaks me the most.


my husband was with his father when he died, he said that his eyes popped open and stayed that way, it was a very sad and traumatic thing for him to go thru, this was christmas day 2005 and he cant get that vision out of his head till this day.
i wish you love and light.

 
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