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Old 02-19-2007, 08:04 AM   #1
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NeedaHug HB User
I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

Hi

I've been looking around different forums and came across this one.

Mum died 4 years ago now coming up 5 in April, it always seems that at this time of year i find myself getting really weepy about it.

Mum had diabetes and went into a hypo gylcamic coma, i went with her to the hospital and for some reason i knew then that she wasn't coming home (i'm crying as i type this) we were incredibly close and as mad as it sounds i knew when she was low as she did me, we would call each other at the same time to ask each other why.

Anyway she was in hospital for weeks not really getting better and was very confused with the drugs that they were giving her to regulate the sugar in her blood which was useless in the end as she died from blocked arteries as a result of her blood being to thick. At times she could be quite funny saying that my uncle had been to Japan and bought a bonsai tree from Michael Jackson that morning, and then very saddening she could see angels towards the end.

We never actually saw a doctor to give us more information just the useful she's stabilising more blah blah, the day before she died a nurse called me to say that mum was fine and could come home, so off i rushed to get her and found her looking awful, i had a right strop and asked the staff how they could be so stupid. I apologised later as they weren't all responsible but its how you feel at the time.

The thimng that sticks with me is that before i left that night i held her little hand and she asked me not to go, i told her that i'd be back in the morning and went home and to not go anywhere without me .

I got to the hospital little later than planned and she looked quite peaceful, i held her little hand and she looked at me with such love, i think i can remember a tear coming from her eye, a few minutes later her hand slipped out of mine and the buzzers sounded 10 - 15 minutes later when we got to see a doctor.

I did everything to do with the burial playing angels and like a bird at her funeral which i'm glad i did for her as she was partial to robbie!

I'm just so mad that she died sometimes and left me here to cope without her i want to scream at someone and ask them why. I'd like her to explain it, i've heard that 'god takes the good one' but as bad as it sounds i'm not a believer and think thats a croc.

I really do need a hug, most of all i need my mom. i'm really sobbing now.
IS it normal to get like this after 4 years??


 
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Old 02-19-2007, 08:11 PM   #2
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Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

Hi.....I wish I could give you a hug, and get a hug. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom 12 days ago and I know I will feel as devastated in 4-5 years as I do right now. I lost my Mom in a similar fashion as you did. Although when we found my Mom, she was almost gone. She was rushed to the hospital with her sugar at 20, no BP, temp at 75. They didn't think she would survive the night. She was intubated (which she wouldn't have wanted). After the first 24 hours she began improving. She was a 1 year lung cancer survivor but was in so much pain from the surgery still, she wouldn't go back for follow up testing. The doctors in the hospital were sure the cancer had spread because she was so tiny and had lost so much weight. They did everything except a bone scan, which we finally refused. After 7 days in the ICU they said she was ready for a regular room. We left her that night, after she was able to see her grandchildren. She was alert, but tired and unsure if she was in pain. When I arrived the next morning, she was alive, but totally unaware. Her doctor suggested comfort measures. He said it could be hours or days, he wasn't sure. I sat next to her and held her hand. I promised her I wouldn't leave her again. The hospital at that point was ready to make us transfer to some type of hospice care. The thought of transferring her made me sick. Well, she never made it long enough for a tranfer. My brother and I were with her when she took her last breath. My sister in law held her hand.....it was just too difficult for me. I re-live every moment everyday...all day....at night, I dream about it. She was only 64 years old. I miss her so much and find myself talking to her often. I ask her "why did you leave me"? She was such a wonderful Mother. We lived next door to eachother and had the most wonderful relationship. OOhhhhh, what I would do to just talk to her one more time. I miss her so much and can't imagine going on without her.......I fully understand your feelings and wish I could say something to ease your pain, but I know there isn't anything anyone could say to me to make me miss her any less. It does help to share with people trying to cope with the same experience. My husband has been of no emotional support. This has been a real eye opener in that department and when I feel a bit stronger this issue will be resolved. Anyway, I would love to correspond with you......take care, Darlene

 
Old 02-20-2007, 05:21 AM   #3
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soulmateless HB User
Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

Its very normal for you to feel like this. My story's simular to yours. We all deal with greif in different ways.......... hugz

 
Old 02-20-2007, 02:10 PM   #4
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Locket25 HB User
Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

My Mum left me 20 years ago and I still ache and want her back. We have to go on and try not to dwell too much I suppose on what we want as everyone seems to have a time to go to the better place so what can we do? not much Take care and live your life to the best of your ability until your Mum meets you as mine will when our time to go comes.
Kay

 
Old 02-21-2007, 10:46 AM   #5
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Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

Darlene,
I totally can relate to your story. My mom has been gone 6 months, and it feels like yesterday. She was a 'young' 69 years old, and lived down the street from me. We were very close also. Although she had emphasema from years of smoking (she quit 5 yrs ago), we never thought when she was admitted to the hospital, that she wouldn't be coming home. We were just out shopping together the week before.
She also had alot of test's run - diagnosis was pnemonia, but her lung Dr suspected she may have developed lung cancer - even though her scans less than 6 months ago did not show anything other than the emphasima. She was never strong eneough to get the bronchoscopy for a biopsy and better look. In a way, I'm almost glad that cancer wasn't confirmed - just a mental thing on my part I guess. I don't think she would have died from that in two weeks anyway. I think her lungs were just so damaged, that the pnemonia never cleared out.
Me, my Dad, brother and sister were with her when she died, and although she was on a ventilator the last 4 days, I do think she was aware we were around her, at least some of the time. My poor Dad never left the hospital for over a week. I thought when she was gone, that he would not have the will to live any more, but he is doing remarkably well. They were married 50 years. He is 72 years old, and still works full time, which I think has helped him stay busy the last few months, although he does have his difficult times.

I'm sorry your husband is not more understanding. I am lucky that my husband does support me, although it's because he lost both of his parents and he know's how difficult it is. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of my mom, and I'm pretty sure in the years to come, I'll still miss her just as much as I do now.
Mary

 
Old 02-22-2007, 02:48 AM   #6
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NeedaHug HB User
Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

Thanks for the replies. What makes it worse for me is that mum was 51, my fiance's father died of lung cancer two years after we got together. I never thought in all my life that i would see two people that i care deeply about die.

My nan also dies about 6 months ago, we weren't really close at all but i still think 'Why me, what have i done?'

My fiance and i are not really getting on that well at the moment, he has taken to having a drink to ease his pain which he knows doesn't really help and is addressing it.
His step mother has banned him from entering the family home is witholding his inheritance and has said that she never wants to see him again.

Why is life so hard sometimes?

 
Old 03-06-2007, 09:53 AM   #7
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Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

I know exactly what you are going through...my mom died 4 years go (will be 5 years in may) and it never gets any easier. I sob at the thought of marriage or having kids and not having her by my side. I get so angry, wondering why this has all happened to me. I have been told that God only puts upon us what we can handle....must mean you're one strong person! I had my boyfriends grandfathers funeral last night and I couldn't hold back the tears all night. I think we both need to learn how to accept what has happened, because if we don't we will live the rest of our lives blocking out the memories of our wonderful mothers because the thought of them is too painful. I feel that if we accept our faith and just understand that it happened for 'a reason' we might be able to let go of all this tremendous pain. Definately easier said than done, I know, because I am still in the same boat as you. My brother says that it would be best for me to go and talk to a professional who specializes in grievance to help me get through this and let go of all the hate in my heart.
Good luck to you!

 
Old 03-07-2007, 05:48 AM   #8
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NeedaHug HB User
Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

Tatjana, thanks for the post it has really helped or made me think anyway. We think the same it seems on the marriage and kids issue, it's horrid to think that she won't be there with me in body, but i guess she will be in spirit maybe who knows?

I can't help thinking though that if God is putting this on me as he knows i can handle it, then he's got the wrong idea. Yes i am very strong but i want this to stop now i've had enough of this now.

I hadn't realised that i may not have actually accepted mum's death, i know for sure that you're right as the thought 'mum's dead' makes me want to go in the corner and cry for the rest of the day.

Maybe we should both go and see a bereavement counsellor having had a session with a general counsellor did help so i think it's a must really.

Thanks and take care
xx

 
Old 03-14-2007, 07:37 AM   #9
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CoyoteBound HB User
Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

Need a Hug,

I know exactly how you feel hun! I lost my Dad on April 1, 2004, lost my sister who was only 55 on November 29, 2004, then 75 days after the loss of my sister her husband had a stroke and died on February 14, 2005 and then on March 28, 2006 I lost my closest friend (My MOTHER). Now that hurt me when I lost my Dad and sister and brotherinlaw but my Mom and me was very close and never had had a cross word in my 50 years of having her in my life. Yes, I have asked why, did she have to go. But she was so sick with COPD and she was on Hospice and I could see every day that she was going downhill. She passed away at my home, which we had her hospital bed set up in my livingroom so all the family could come and visit her because thats what Hospice suggested. They said she needed to be somewhere where there was people around and I never left her sight. She hung on and when she got so bad, I leaned down and I picked her up in my arms and hugged her and cried and told her oh how much I loved her and thanked her for everthing she had ever done for me and told her that she made me the person that I am today and I am very proud of that because my Mom was a good woman. I told my Mom when she got ready to go be with my Daddy and my sister to go on and not to worry about the rest of us that we would see her again someday. My Mother took two breaths and was gone. She went so peaefully and she looked so pretty and so much younger at the funeral home. It's because she was in no more pain and had no more worries and I miss my Mother as much as any one else does and I know how you feel. Stay strong and try to keep the faith also!

God Bless You!

 
Old 04-26-2007, 04:52 AM   #10
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NeedaHug HB User
Unhappy Re: I'm angry with mum though she's my angel

It's mum's 5 year anniversary on sunday 29th, my partner and i have split as well. Damn i feel so bad right now.

 
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