It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Death & Dying Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-13-2007, 10:32 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Sydney NSW Australia
Posts: 1
happysad HB User
I feel guilty and scared that my life is OK

In January this year my eldest sisters husband died, after a long battle with cancer he died suddenly from a blood clot leaving her in shock, as she thought they still had months to organise things and say good bye.

Then in March my father died of cancer, this time we got to say good bye, but it was not an easy thing to see as he was very scared of dying. There was no peace to be had for him, although in the end it was quick, and I'm sure it was a slow death he was scared of.

A few weeks ago in July my second eldest sisters husband died at the age of 39, they live in the country, on a road that sees very little traffic, he was almost home after working night shift, on his beloved motorbike when some fool over took on a corner and ran straight into him, he never stood a chance.My sister was overseas on a holiday with our younger sister when it happened, which made it more traumatic for us all, I got the phone call from the police and had to contact my younger sisters husband to ring them, younger sister had to tell her what had happened, our mother was also overseas so had to ring her, and our eldest sister who is still very fragile had to be told, plus I had to get my two young children from school to my in laws and drive four hours to my sisters place and stay with her children till she could get home the following night.

So here I am 41 years old, in love with my husband of 21 years, two beautiful children, a job I love and living in our dream house we built together. How dare I be so happy, I can't stop crying and I feel myself drifting from my husband when I need him most. I am lost and I feel I have no right to be sorry for myself when I have so much, every time some thing happens that makes me feel good I think "well aren't you the lucky one? what about your poor sisters" , I feel my children are ungrateful for their lives, and I get extra mad with them for things like a messy room or not doing their home work they are only 9 and 12 years old and I know they are so scared after loosing so many people they loved.
I know I am been stupid and I feel better just be able to rant here where no one knows me and I don't have to be careful what I say.

Thanks Deb.

Last edited by happysad; 08-13-2007 at 10:35 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-31-2007, 05:51 PM   #2
SDH SDH is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Fort Walton Beach, FL, USA
Posts: 13
SDH HB User
Re: I feel guilty and scared that my life is OK

I'm sorry for all your loses. But don't beat yourself up over something that is NOT your fault. There is absolutely nothing you could do about any of that. You shouldn't drift away from anyone. I'm sure your sisters and aren't mad because you have your husband still, that would be silly. I don't know what really else to say, I'm only 19 and havent experienced anything like this. I hope things better though.

 
Old 09-04-2007, 12:03 PM   #3
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: houston, tx, usa
Posts: 992
mcr285 HB Usermcr285 HB User
Re: I feel guilty and scared that my life is OK

i am so sorry for everything you are going through!

i lost my dad a few weeks ago, and it has been really hard to know how to feel. i am not the kind of person to dwell on negative things, so for the most part, i am okay. but then i see something that reminds me of him, or i will just expect to see him somewhere and i get really sad. but i know the last thing my dad wanted was for his family to be depressed, bitter, or angry about his death (he died after 10 months fighting cancer), and so i try to honor his memory by focusing on the positive things in my life. of course i'm not okay with him not being here, and of course i'll continue to have sad times, but i'm also trying to not wallow in it. does that make sense?

anyway, it's normal to feel what you are feeling. you have been hit with a lot of losses in a very short amount of time, one of which was your own father, and just based on what i'm going through now, i can't imagine what i would do if my siblings lost their spouses too! no wonder you feel like you are falling apart! no they weren't YOUR spouse, but they were your family. of course you have a right to be sad! your two sisters who you love are hurting. their children are hurting! and there really isn't anything you can do to fix it.

you need to give yourself time to grieve. talk to your children about it. i can imagine they are probably freaked out right now and they need reassurance. you might talk to them about your dad and what he would have wanted for them. i know my dad didn't want us to be angry about his passing and he wanted us to be happy and keep on living. i can't imagine your dad being any different.

instead of turning away from your husband, talk to him. i turned away from my husband too, after my dad died. i make him sit in a chair across the room from me when we were in the same room as my mom because i feel guilty that he is here and my dad isn't -- not that i have any control over it at all!! and now that he's gone back to work, and he'll call me and i can't talk to him for long and rarely say "i love you" if my mom is around because again, i feel guilty. i finally had to just talk to him and tell him everything in my heart. it's not that i wish he had died and not my dad, but that i feel so sad for my mom because she is alone now and it makes me feel bad that i am not alone. does that make sense? anyway, after i explained it to my husband, he's been much more understanding about it all and he's even stepped in more to help with the kids and with things my mom needs done.

it's normal to feel guilty, but you really shouldn't. i know i shouldn't either, but it's hard not to. what you said about feeling grateful that it wasn't your husband who died, is something i think you just can't help thinking. what kind of person would you be if you weren't grateful for your blessings? your sisters will most likely get angry at you and will most likely say mean hurtful things like "well what do you know, your husband is still alive!" do what you can to not take offense if they do. my mom has already said it to me, and i'm told it's also a normal part of grieving.

finally, are you a church going person? i know it's helped many people to go and talk to their clergymen in these situations. i myself know that God lives and that He does have a plan for each of us. your sisters' husbands and your dad are with God now and they are okay. i do not know them personally, but i can promise you they would NOT want their family falling apart! live a good life and do what God wants you to do and you will see your family again. hope this has been of some comfort to you...

Last edited by mcr285; 09-04-2007 at 12:04 PM.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 09:01 AM   #4
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: lincolnshire, England
Posts: 18
marie88 HB User
Re: I feel guilty and scared that my life is OK

Quote:
Originally Posted by happysad View Post
In January this year my eldest sisters husband died, after a long battle with cancer he died suddenly from a blood clot leaving her in shock, as she thought they still had months to organise things and say good bye.

Then in March my father died of cancer, this time we got to say good bye, but it was not an easy thing to see as he was very scared of dying. There was no peace to be had for him, although in the end it was quick, and I'm sure it was a slow death he was scared of.

A few weeks ago in July my second eldest sisters husband died at the age of 39, they live in the country, on a road that sees very little traffic, he was almost home after working night shift, on his beloved motorbike when some fool over took on a corner and ran straight into him, he never stood a chance.My sister was overseas on a holiday with our younger sister when it happened, which made it more traumatic for us all, I got the phone call from the police and had to contact my younger sisters husband to ring them, younger sister had to tell her what had happened, our mother was also overseas so had to ring her, and our eldest sister who is still very fragile had to be told, plus I had to get my two young children from school to my in laws and drive four hours to my sisters place and stay with her children till she could get home the following night.

So here I am 41 years old, in love with my husband of 21 years, two beautiful children, a job I love and living in our dream house we built together. How dare I be so happy, I can't stop crying and I feel myself drifting from my husband when I need him most. I am lost and I feel I have no right to be sorry for myself when I have so much, every time some thing happens that makes me feel good I think "well aren't you the lucky one? what about your poor sisters" , I feel my children are ungrateful for their lives, and I get extra mad with them for things like a messy room or not doing their home work they are only 9 and 12 years old and I know they are so scared after loosing so many people they loved.
I know I am been stupid and I feel better just be able to rant here where no one knows me and I don't have to be careful what I say.

Thanks Deb.

 
Old 11-01-2007, 09:18 AM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: lincolnshire, England
Posts: 18
marie88 HB User
Re: I feel guilty and scared that my life is OK

I am deeply sorry for your losses!
I lost my grandad last year and that was hard to cope with so i cant imagine what this is like for you.
All i can say is be there for your family they more than likely need you (sisters always stick together).
Im battiling cancer and i think most people would agree that your father was more scared of leaving his family i know i am,but if you were there for him that proberly brought him alot of peace!!
Please stay strong for the people around you and my thoughts are with you and your loved ones.............(sorry about sending you your own message really not good with computers)

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
I feel like Im losing control.... NotGivingIn Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 3 03-01-2008 02:28 PM
Realization, feel a little shameful to share captnanny Addiction & Recovery 9 01-13-2008 04:48 AM
Feel somewhat guilty and scared. georgi Pain Management 6 11-16-2007 12:29 PM
starting to feel my depression coming back. vickie45 Thyroid Disorders 8 04-17-2007 05:48 AM
Feel so guilty!!! karimah1 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 7 11-06-2006 09:47 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:36 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!