| | I miss my mommy.
Two weeks before my 21st birthday (August 29th, 2006) my mother died in her sleep at home. I woke up for work that day and my father came in my room crying because she had died in their bed when they were both asleep. All he could say was "I think Mom's dead," and I panicked, screamed, cried... and eventually settled down to pray and make the necessary phone calls.
My mother was 50 and had been in Congestive Heart Failure for years. She had several blocked arteries and we spent months in the hospital. She smoked, had asthma, diabetes, ascites, 2 blocked coronary arteries. Her doctor wanted her to get Coronary Artery Bypass Graft Surgery, but she refused because she was terrified of surgery and death. The surgeon warned our entire family that if she didn't get this surgery, she was at risk for sudden death. No matter how much we pleaded with her, she refused to get surgery.
She died 2 months later.
She was always a very cautious, fearful woman. She struggled with mental illness and the stress of losing both of her parents within months of my being born. (I am her first born; my brother is 3 years younger than I.)
She loved me and my brother very much. She never went to college or had a job anyone would be proud of. (She was a cashier at a grocery store and a nurse's aide at a hospital for handicapped children.) She never wore makeup and she had cigarette and coffee stains on her teeth. She had a lot of sores from the slowed wound healing caused by the diabetes, and she was overweight, so she always had trouble buying pretty clothes.
She was the most humble person I've ever met, and she loved me and my brother and my dad with all her heart. She was loyal and friendly and laughed at inappropriate jokes and she was embarassing sometimes but I love her and miss her so much. She's been gone over a year now and I still look up and wish I saw her walking in the hallway or sitting in her chair watching ER with me. I wish I had treated her better and spent more time with her and wasn't so embarassed by her when I was a teenager. I wish she hadn't been sick all the time so we could have shopped together. I wish I had paid more attention when she tried to teach me how to crochet. I wish she could have seen my brother graduate from high school or come to my college graduation. I wish she could have seen my first car. I wish she would have met my dumb new kitten. I wish she could have seen me get married or babysat her grandchildren. I wish she could have seen my first apartment.
I know that in every cloud there's a silver lining. I just wish my heart didn't hurt so much.