My fathers passing - Death & Dying Message Board

tmarkfer · 11-06-2007, 10:31 AM

I am new to this section of the board. My father passed away in August and I can't accept it. I was my fathers care giver since 1998. He lived with me and my family. I was his health care proxy and I made all the decisions when it came to his health. He was a heart patient,he was end-stage reneal disease, amputie, legaly blind and so on.. I sent him to Texas to see my sister so my family could take a vocation at the end of July- Aug. My father was to come home on the 6th of August. He passed away at the dialysis center on 4th. We got the call around 6:55am. He did have a living will and I was the only one that could over ride it. I did! I made them do everything and anything to help my father. I was on the phone with the hospital the whole time. I could not help him. I miss him so much. I can't smile,sleep,eat. When I cook dinner for my family I will not make anything that he really like to eat. My husband and brother changes my fathers room. I will not go into that room. I feel like I am the blame since I was the one who had him go to texas and i was not there to save him. We had to have him flown home and that took 4 days to get him here. When does some of the hurtin go away? I am really not looking forward to the holidays. I wish I could just forget about them all togather this year. I am so mad at him for leaving me he was suppose to come home! I was suppose to take care of him and help him! I feel that I have failed at this. Is it normal for me to think this way? Imto afraid to go to a group and talk about it. I feel no one will understand. He was my father and my best friend. Any thoughts you have that may help me please let me know.
Thanks

SherryAnne · 11-25-2007, 08:24 PM

I'm sorry for the passing of your father. You cannot go on feeling like anything was your fault. You obviously loved your father very much and took wonderful care of him. You have absolutely nothing to reget. It is certainly normal to grieve and everyone must do that. But just remember all of good times together and what a blessing it was that you were able to take care of him. That should give you the comfort and peace that you need to continue with your life. You will always miss your dad, but with each passing day, the hurt gets just a little less.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and may you be healed by the grace of GOD.

ibake&pray · 11-30-2007, 01:19 PM

You have my sympathy on the loss of your father. I lost my dad on the 26th of September. He had an abdominal aoritic anuerism that burst. He had gotten up, got dressed, sat down in his wheel chair, looking at my mother who was still sleeping, and died. He and my mother who had Alzheimers shared the same room for the last three weeks of his life.

Five weeks later I lost my mother when she gave up looking for the love of her life after 64.5 years of marriage. So I lost both of my parents in 5 weeks. I know what it feels like to lose a parent.

You have got to let go though. It was your fathers time to leave this earth, his time was done. Would rather have him looking down on you and not suffering than being here and in pain> Stop to consider the consequences. If he had end stage renal failure, was legally blind with a host of other complications he was suffering. If he was keeping himself going just to please you, that wasn't a life for him, was it? You need to think of what was best for your daddy. Trust me, there isn't a day that goes by that it doesn't hurt, I am mourning two, and i want them back so bad that it aches, but not if it means that they would be in pain or suffering....and I know that there would be pain and suffering.

You have not failed your father. You have not failed yourself. It is normal for you to be angry at him and yourself. If you search the web, you will find the 7 stages of grief, and you will find that we both have many stages that we will struggle through as we learn to cope with the loss of our fathers. Remember that you shouldn't do anything major-such as move during the first year.

Now, my dear, my suggest would be to quit being so hard on yourself. You have done nothing wrong. It was your father's time, God had need of him and took him home so he wouldn't suffer any longer. I do firmly believe in this. I would also suggest that you go to a grief support group. They most certainly will understand. The title is grief support. That is what it is all about. If you are uncomfortable with that, do you have a minister that you can talk to? I do believe that there is a heaven that my parents are in. My mother had a previous near death experience and went up to the gates and was sent back down because it "wasn't yet her time." So I know my mamma and daddy are up there watching over, but is is so lonely without them both.

you have my sympathy and you are in my prayers,,,Try to remember the good times and help your brother to grieve also....

sawbuck44 · 12-18-2007, 07:57 AM

SherryAnne and ibake&pray really said it well. I am just here to tell you not to feel guilty that your dad died when you were not with him. My dad was in the hospital for two months until he died there. I was up there almost every day - my sister and I made sure at least one of us went up to see him. When he was given a week to live, I stayed overnight for three days - my brother stayed one night as well and then my sister. The fourth night my brother made me go home as he and my sister were going to stay. I didn't want to, but I did. My father died that night (3am actually). My brother told me that it was really hard to see. I feel that my dad waited until I wasn't there, because he knew my brother and sister could handle it better. There is a reason for everything. Take comfort that he knew how much you cared.

c57s53 · 12-28-2007, 05:12 PM

Dear tmarkfer,

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I can only imagine just how difficult it is for you and I pray you will find peace in knowing that you did everything you could for him and he was very aware of your love for him.
My dad is currently in send stage renal failure and getting dialysis 3 times a week. He never feels well, has a poor appetite, suffers from chronic diahrea, he is also legally blind, he has been hospitalized 3 times in as many weeks for a recurring fever that they have never found the source of. He is still running the fever. He is very weak and falls so many times and last week he fell and broke his ankle. 2 nights ago my Mother called me and said he was on the floor and she couldn't get him up. It took my husband and I over an hour to get him upright and out to his chair. He has no strength most of the time and he seems to be failing. Last week his Nephrologist told him that he didn't think the dialysis was working. I think his time is short and have been struggling every minute with how am I going to deal with it, how will my Mother handle it. I can't seem to get any answers from his doctor and I have no idea what is to come. Is there anyone out the who can help me with this based on his current symptoms? He "crashed" at dialysis a month ago and they took him by ambulance to the hospital "near death", as the Nephrologist described it to my Mother. He is 77 years of age. He says now that his stomach and chest are feeling strange, like something is wrong but he can't really explain it. His fevers continue to come and go without warning. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Connie