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Old 11-18-2007, 02:59 AM   #1
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Daisy07 HB User
Unhappy My dad is dying and I feel so alone

First of all to everyone here, my sympathies and heart felt hugs to you all. I know how you feel.

I really need support with this, my dad is dying. As I write this the words feel foreign to me. To actually say it.

My dad has been a handful to us his entire life! He is domineering, self centred, anxiety ridden and obnoxious! But I love him with all my heart and soul.

When my mom became brain damaged from an op ten years ago. I became my dads, friend, advisor nurse doctor financial expert, daughter and much else everything else you can think of! He was exhausting to my poor mom, but now she was out of action all of this was transferred to me. I have been very drained the last ten years because of him.

We had no relationship as a child growing up. He only loved mom!

But during the ten years we became so close. We are very much alike. He was so strong and domineering so talkative and bossy!

Now my dad is dying.

I can’t describe how I feel. I have the same characteristics he does. I am FORCING him to drink water. (He refuses and so his urine has become so dense and little in output) kidney failure will result.

The last few months or last year, he has been in and out of hospital. They make him better but just for a while. He has had a stroke, a heart attack, and this bladder issue for some time.

A part of me feels its time for him to go. But I can’t let him go. How must I deal with this? The sadness is overwhelming; I feel despair and loss of control of the situation... Me who always made everything right.

I have no friends to talk to about this, as ive spent ten years devoted to him. He stays in a home, but the amount of time and effort I give him are the same. But ive had snide remarks from the home saying I don’t care for him enough. Which is a lie.

The pain in my heart is unbearable.
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Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

 
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Old 11-19-2007, 03:43 AM   #2
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Birdbreath HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like you love him a lot. I think the home has a lot of nerve to tell you how you feel. I hate having that feeling that something is going to be (you feeling it's his time to go) but you feel it anyway and it seems like there's nothing you can do about it. When it's his time, he will, and just remember, you have him now still, and be happy you reconnected with him and have enjoyed him for this long! Make sure that you do what you can now to have no regrets.. and you've done so much already, it's great to know you will always look at the past with him and see that you two were close.

 
Old 11-19-2007, 04:48 AM   #3
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niv03 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

What you're doing for your dad is wonderful. You'll never regret having spent the time doing what you can, after he's gone..and you'll be SO glad you mended fences while he was alive, But more is going on here than just the death of your father. You've also been through the 'death' of your mother...for all intents and purposes. The one who WAS your mother has also died. The stress on you has to be enornous so I'm sure you've buried all that in the work your doing for dad, pushing down your feelings, drowning out your anger & fear because 'there's a job to be done'. ONce dad dies, you'll be 'alone' with your thoughts and losses and Sometimes the fear of facing it all in the deafening silence afterward, can be overwhelming. It's uncharted territory...a complete change in your life, and unless you have a world to go back to, it can seem terrifying.
We have much in common.
I've cared for both my parents . My dad, who, like yours, had been hurt in many ways by life, which made him bitter and angry and scary to be around. I took care of him for five years , moving in to his home with my husband and sons, to care for him AND my mom, who had had a stroke. That was in 1993. Dad died of Congestive Heart Failure in 1998, mom is still with us. But she's NOT mom...in the true sense. My "mom", with her memories, idiosyncrasies, sense of humor, personality, "died" in 1993....the little person who is left with us is NOT her, just a shell of what she was, but she's still a nice person and we still laugh and share things, she just doesn't know who I am most of the time.
I've been caring for her now, full time, for fourteen years.
When she dies,for REAL, it will be both a relief and a trauma....on many levels.
Like your dad, for good or for bad, he's been the center of your life...the PURPOSE In your life...and in one blinding flash, it will be gone. There will be no work to drown your sadness in, no one else to blame for what you're NOT doing, no way to 'make up ' for what you didn't do....it can be terrifying.
Like any time when we have to REinvent ourselves and find out who we are.
When the kids move out and we're no longer 'mommy'..who are we now?
When there's a divorce and we're no longer HIS WIFE, ...who are we now?
We NEED a LIFE. We need a presence OUTSIDE our load.
What'ever has driven you to devote your entire being to the care of your dad, has also alienated you from all support. You need friends and activity OUTSIDE of your caregiving role. You need to recognize your limitations or there will be little of you left at the end. Join a support group. Make some friends.. You need support as much, if not MORE, than your dad does.

I don't know if it's true in your case, but I've found in my experience, that the family members who complain most about what 'YOU"RE' doing with a dying loved one, are the ones who cannot , themselves, do much to help (usually because of emotional issues). Death is a great equalizer and tends to bring out the best...and the worst...in many people. Guilt, anger, unresolved issues, fear...all lend themselves to people's seemingly senseless behavior.
Don't worry about what they say. You do the best you can, but get help! Don't be alone in this. There are support groups for caregivers...it s a very specialized area....you need FRIENDS right now, NOT just dad. You need to be able to talk and kvetch and complain and laugh and cry with someone who will not judge you , but will understand COMPLETELY what you're feeling and empathize. Believe me, other caregivers understand these feelings.
You are to be commended for loving your dad and doing the best you can for him. I know he must truly appreciate your kindness.
I wish you strength and joy.

 
Old 11-19-2007, 11:37 PM   #4
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sunset1982 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

sorry to hear about the pain ur going through but the only advice that i can give u is to be there by his side, pray for strength u and ur family will be in my prayers

 
Old 11-20-2007, 12:59 AM   #5
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raedawn1 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy07 View Post
First of all to everyone here, my sympathies and heart felt hugs to you all. I know how you feel.

I really need support with this, my dad is dying. As I write this the words feel foreign to me. To actually say it.

My dad has been a handful to us his entire life! He is domineering, self centred, anxiety ridden and obnoxious! But I love him with all my heart and soul.

When my mom became brain damaged from an op ten years ago. I became my dads, friend, advisor nurse doctor financial expert, daughter and much else everything else you can think of! He was exhausting to my poor mom, but now she was out of action all of this was transferred to me. I have been very drained the last ten years because of him.

We had no relationship as a child growing up. He only loved mom!

But during the ten years we became so close. We are very much alike. He was so strong and domineering so talkative and bossy!

Now my dad is dying.

I can’t describe how I feel. I have the same characteristics he does. I am FORCING him to drink water. (He refuses and so his urine has become so dense and little in output) kidney failure will result.

The last few months or last year, he has been in and out of hospital. They make him better but just for a while. He has had a stroke, a heart attack, and this bladder issue for some time.

A part of me feels its time for him to go. But I can’t let him go. How must I deal with this? The sadness is overwhelming; I feel despair and loss of control of the situation... Me who always made everything right.

I have no friends to talk to about this, as ive spent ten years devoted to him. He stays in a home, but the amount of time and effort I give him are the same. But ive had snide remarks from the home saying I don’t care for him enough. Which is a lie.

The pain in my heart is unbearable.

 
Old 11-20-2007, 01:29 AM   #6
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raedawn1 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

My Mom just died and I would not leave her side I stayed with her right up til the end exept for cig. breaks or looking after my brother (another story) My family was all there singing to her stroking her hair praying I washed her down we made sure she had lots of drugs to ease the pain ...and the nurses were really good it was so sad but I was so relieved that she was out of PAIN....God I cried with the relief not just the fact she was gone...I thought I was some selfish ***** being happy for her being out of pain but not so I was a normal human being .My Mom was a good person and did a lot of wonderful things in this life but God wanted to take her home she had done her time....I was ok even after the burial .... when I was little I thought if my Mom died I would die too or I would just be scared forever. not so , not so! my life has actually gotten a lot more clearer inbetween missing her and getting through some fears I believe everything is going to be Ok...My Dad died too a few years back but I did not have the same closure with my Dad as I did with my Mom cause they lived farther away back then but we were still good friends and I can feel him with me ......Sometimes I miss my parents I was the baby so you can imagine what a goo goo I was ...coming from such a big family .But I know I will see my parents again and it is not that long a lifetime is not that long and eternity is forever...You will never regret spending this time with your Dad no matter what a guy he was to you or your Mom .You are a good daughter and I think he knows that .Being around sick and dying people is a wonderful opportunity to grow and get close to real life and feel their release to God. It is just hard to wait and watch,,, my prayers are with you I know how much it hurts and how helpless it feels but he is in good hands with all God ..keep me posted

 
Old 11-20-2007, 08:32 PM   #7
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priestly HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

I recently lost my father to cancer. The man was an icon to me and my family. I think that when you look back on things you will find that spending days with him will definately make you feel better. I know that alot of people have gone through some tough times in this Board and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

 
Old 12-23-2007, 02:08 AM   #8
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Daisy07 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

To all of you thank you for replying, you brought me such comfort.

Niv03 you have absolutely touched me because you understand fully what I've also lost in my mom. You are so right. I had a job to do and that was fill in her space (initially) with my dad. Then he was so sick, so that took over. I did loose myself. I did post that he died the next day after the post, or the day after I cant recall.

I was so shocked of course. We never expect it even if we do. I was always rushing around to "save" dad and would run in and say "Its ok dad Im here" and this time I did, to the place where he was resting.

I am not so sure seeing him like that was good, but wild horses would not have kept me away. It was always how it was with us. Me saving dad. I held him for ages. I told him its ok Im here.

I did keep my friends away you are right too. I didnt have time to nurture friendships nor even have a proper relationship so I am sad on that score I need it now.

I keep seeing dad laying there so still and that is odd, as he was never still!!! He was always giving orders, asking for things, I miss him so much you have no idea! I was so tired at the end that I had become half a daughter. Instead of the fabulous daughter I tried to be.

Im not sure that seeing a deceased person is a good thing.

But like I said, I had to get there, dad would have expected that. So did I. Maybe it is a good thing as I know he has really gone?

Hopefully this sad image will leave me eventually. Of how quiet and still and drawn he looked. Here in South Africa there are no caregiver support groups that I know of. I needed it so badly. But what I will say in hindsite and I know that its SO HARD. If you are caring for a person and do feel all the above, the love, the frustration, the pain the joy all mixed in together, its ok. But more than that, try to remove the emotion from it in that, dont feel every emotion they are feeling that is the drain. If my dad was sad, I was sad if he was frustrated I was upset! and so on. If I hadnt allowed that in me I would have been a better daughter all round.

Dad would have been a happier dad!

my mom is currently giving me such joy! she is sad but not registering it all so much, I took her for lunch and enjoyed her so much. With dad always the centre of attraction she didnt get much in terms of my time. How blessed I am to see her beauty her calm spirit. She is a pleasure to care for.

I miss you daddy and hope wherever you are you are at peace and smiling down at me.
__________________
Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

 
Old 12-23-2007, 02:11 AM   #9
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Daisy07 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

Yes indeed, I do feel relieved that I spent as much time as I could with him. In that way I have no regrets until his very last weeks where I was exhausted. But I think he understands now! well I like to think so. God Bless you and I am sorry for your loss.
__________________
Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

 
Old 12-23-2007, 02:21 AM   #10
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Daisy07 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by raedawn1 View Post
My Mom just died and I would not leave her side I stayed with her right up til the end exept for cig. breaks or looking after my brother (another story) My family was all there singing to her stroking her hair praying I washed her down we made sure she had lots of drugs to ease the pain ...and the nurses were really good it was so sad but I was so relieved that she was out of PAIN....God I cried with the relief not just the fact she was gone...I thought I was some selfish ***** being happy for her being out of pain but not so I was a normal human being .My Mom was a good person and did a lot of wonderful things in this life but God wanted to take her home she had done her time....I was ok even after the burial .... when I was little I thought if my Mom died I would die too or I would just be scared forever. not so , not so! my life has actually gotten a lot more clearer inbetween missing her and getting through some fears I believe everything is going to be Ok...My Dad died too a few years back but I did not have the same closure with my Dad as I did with my Mom cause they lived farther away back then but we were still good friends and I can feel him with me ......Sometimes I miss my parents I was the baby so you can imagine what a goo goo I was ...coming from such a big family .But I know I will see my parents again and it is not that long a lifetime is not that long and eternity is forever...You will never regret spending this time with your Dad no matter what a guy he was to you or your Mom .You are a good daughter and I think he knows that .Being around sick and dying people is a wonderful opportunity to grow and get close to real life and feel their release to God. It is just hard to wait and watch,,, my prayers are with you I know how much it hurts and how helpless it feels but he is in good hands with all God ..keep me posted
Dear Raedawn

thank you so much for you kind words. You were so blessed to spend time with you mom like that. What a wonderful way to go for her. To have you near her. I wish you hundreds of hugs and lot's of peace knowing you did more than enough for her.

I will miss dad so much, in fact I thought I'd feel relief that would be a blessing. I wish I could have just one more hour of him saying "I want a smoke gimme a smoke dammit" or "dont go .. dont leave me!" which used to wear me down. Just one more hour! I miss his voice and his blue eyes!

But I am enjoying my mom, who is a beautiful calm spirit. She loves God and tells me all the time that she prays for him. God bless you.
__________________
Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

 
Old 12-23-2007, 02:26 AM   #11
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Daisy07 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdbreath View Post
I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like you love him a lot. I think the home has a lot of nerve to tell you how you feel. I hate having that feeling that something is going to be (you feeling it's his time to go) but you feel it anyway and it seems like there's nothing you can do about it. When it's his time, he will, and just remember, you have him now still, and be happy you reconnected with him and have enjoyed him for this long! Make sure that you do what you can now to have no regrets.. and you've done so much already, it's great to know you will always look at the past with him and see that you two were close.

thank you so much, God bless you for your reply to me, I am probably feeding off this right now. In terms of having alienated my friends a long time ago. Dad was a full time job!!

he died a day or so after this, I am only sad that I was feeling the frustration of his sickness at this time, but have no regrets as I loved him with as much energy as I had left. I thought dad would pass shouting and screaming and giving us hell! but he died in his sleep.

It was 3am so I was not there.

I look back on this post and think, gosh I knew he was going why didnt I sit there day and night? But in reality I wasnt that sure, dad kept on going despite his illnesses so I thought I had a bit longer.

I am enjoying mom right now, she is a blessing to me.

she is a warm and happy spirit, dad was always a frustrated spirit.

I hope wherever he is he is at peace.

take care and again God bless you
__________________
Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

 
Old 12-23-2007, 02:28 AM   #12
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Daisy07 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

Quote:
Originally Posted by priestly View Post
I recently lost my father to cancer. The man was an icon to me and my family. I think that when you look back on things you will find that spending days with him will definately make you feel better. I know that alot of people have gone through some tough times in this Board and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
thank you, you are 100% correct. I do feel glad the wear and tear was well worth it!
__________________
Thank you for being here! I hope you have a fantastic day <3
~Daisy~

 
Old 01-19-2008, 07:42 PM   #13
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cutie1 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I feel so alone

I am SO very sorry for your pain. My dad is dying also. Right now he is going through the final stages and do I ever relate to you. What has helped a little is that I had the opprotunity to just hold my dad's hand, hug him, and we cried together. We talked of good memories and expressed our love for each other and I told him how much I was going to miss him. It was a very special, sacred moment. Your dad will never REALLY be gone. Whenever you see you repeating his mannerisms, he will be there. I'm sending you loads of hugs of comfort in this message. You are NEVER alone!

 
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