My father passed away Jan 7 after a whirlwind of medical confusion. His diagnosis is Intravascular Lymphoma. An extremely rare form of Non-Hodgkins which is horribly aggressive and fast growing. I had many posts throughout his odd hospitalizations where they couldn't find out what was wrong. (Search by my name if you wish) He became 'weak' in mid-November and hospitalized in late November. However, he was finally diagnosed on New Years Day with Lymphoma...and it was narrowed down to Intravascular Lymphoma on Jan 4.
I am so angry. I like to think that I am not mad at God but I am unsure who my anger is directed at. I am so heartbroken that I cannot imagine life without him. I feel guilty because maybe if I would have moved him when the first hospital couldn't find what was wrong, he would have had a chance to fight. He only had 3 days on chemo! His progression downhill moved so quickly that I couldn't believe it. He was walking around and talking in mid-Dec and by Christmas he was too weak to stand but was still sitting up talking and communicating with us. As heartbreaking as it was with no diagnosis, New Year's Eve came and he was barely able to peek out at us and was barely whispering. He wasn't responding at all after New Years Day.
I cannot believe this has happened. I am a grown woman with a husband and three children (17, 9 and 8). My mother has dementia and has been riddled for years with health problems but is now staying with us. I guess, as horrible as this sounds, I never once expected my father to die first. I have so many horrible thoughts in my head that I feel guilty for even thinking. Amid all this, there was no insurance and the dysfunction in our large family has reared its head worse than ever. (Greed,finger pointing and blame!)
My husband has been so wonderful but I don't know how much longer he is going to be understanding. I snap at him, the kids, and my mom...she can be so mean and cruel with the awful mean things she says. Friends mean well but the things they say make me feel that they don't understand (even if deep down I know that they do). I knew my dad was not invincible but I think in so many ways I feel that we were robbed---that this isn't fair---that he deserved a chance to be awake and have his 'last thoughts and words' expressed. I just feel so incredibly heartbroken!!!
Last edited by *SoccerMom*; 02-09-2008 at 04:16 AM.
Reason: correcting misprinted date
I'm sorry, that's gotta be the worst, having the rug pulled out from under you like that. And now you have to worry about your mom and family too - the thing is, don't overwhelm yourself with too much at once. You're going through grief now as it is, and you don't need to put anymore weights on your shoulders now.
Feel how you feel - sure, maybe it might not be right, but it's okay. Nothing bad is going to happen because of how you feel, and you need to get it all out. Maybe you can do it in your own private place, give yourself time each day to work through it. Then, you won't take it out on your family as much also.
Yeah, sometimes people just can't understand unless they go through it, I guess. That's what boards like this are here for too. I'm sure your friends do care, though. There's a lot of death going around me right now, and it's freaking me out. And, I also said that there would be some deaths this year, and now it's scary to see it coming true.
Just hang in there. Everything will work itself out in time. Praying helps too.
Birdbreath, thanks so much for your reply. I really hope things work out for you and your family. I feel so lost most of the time. It feels like I am in a cocoon and any time that I feel strong enough to step out of it, I always end up coming home hurt and sadder than ever. I bump into people who ALWAYS want to know details or ones that tell me such wild misinformation that I feel the need to correct them. I don't know why people have to make such rumors up...if they don't know what happened or know the whole story, why don't they keep their mouths shut. I guess in my dad's situation, people knew he was in the hospital but few knew the diagnosis before he passed away. Heck, we barely were able to get one!
In some ways, it still seems unreal. It seems that he is still next door...a quick walk... and at times I find myself waiting for him to walk up. I cannot imagine how people get over a loss like this. Maybe it would have been easier to let him go had things been different. In my heart, I am SO INCREDIBLY angry. He deserved a chance to be awake for diagnosis and to have a chance to fight it.
As for my mom with dementia and my dysfuntional two siblings....they are driving me crazy. Fighting over paying for his funeral bill. Wanting to sell anything they can get their hands on. BUT most of all, they are probably the key to most of the misinformation because they were never at the hospital. I feel such disqust for them that I don't care if I ever see them again. Throughout my whole life, I have always had to please them. I always had to ignore all their mean words or snotty ways in order for us to even have something that even resembled a "normal family" event. They manipulate, control and lie but Mom always tries to get the rest of us to "Just Go Along" to smooth things over. After all the things that have been said during this time with Daddy, I don't think I should do that anymore. I feel that we enpower them to act the way they do when we don't say anything. I don't hate them but I am so sick of them doing the things that they do at the expense of everyone else's feelings. In some ways, I don't even feel able to grieve because they are constantly doing and saying things to compound it all!
I am so sorry to read of your loss. Allow yourself to be angry - you have been robbed of a person you loved dearly and life is unfair. Don't try to "get over it" or discount your own emotions - it actually just makes it harder to deal with the grief. I have learned that grieving is really hard work. It's exhausting. People mean well but they can say some really dumb or hurtful things. My favorite dumb remark - "well you wouldn't wish him back in pain". How stupid. If you could have your heart's wish and have him come back of course you would wish the pain away as well. And the hard part is that wishing and praying that it isn't so doesn't change the fact that he is gone.
For many of us who are grieving, writing helps. Writing here helps as you can write how angry you are, how much your siblings are hurting you by their actions etc. and someone here will understand and no one knows the people you are talking about. Write your siblings a letter and let out all of the things you aren't saying for "peace in the family". Tell them exactly how they make you feel, how you view them, and what you are really thinking of their behavior. Don't mail the letter. As much as you would like to it won't help your situation - just make it worse. Someday down the road you will be in a place where you are okay with tearing it up - or adding to it!
Take one day at a time. Losing your dad is a life impacting event. You owe it to him to grieve your loss, cry, cry really loud, pound the wall and curse if it helps. As time goes on, the grief will ease a little but it never leaves you completely. You will always miss him and wish that he was still with you.
Mac,
Wow, your post made me cry. It summed up so much of how I feel...one minute I cry while I am reminicing but the next I am so angry I cannot see straight. Your comment about the 'dumb things' that people say really made me smile. I remember thinking as I was standing there wavering as hundreds of well-wishers came through the line, "Are the things I say to families in times like these this dumb?" My mind was racing and I was so numb that as I smiled and said "thank you", I was thinking "WHAT THE H*LL?" People would tell me things like: "Its for the best" (I'm thinking FOR WHO?), "I know how you feel" (Certainly many did, but still not comforting), "Did the cancer eat through his skin yet..." (My personal fav!), and even "How much insurance did he have?" (I wanted to say NONE...lets pass the plate for a donation!) Maybe I was struggling with anger along with that numbness, but I felt that RAGE that you are describing within seconds after he passed away. I think I could have taken a chair and busted a window from that ICU room. The ICU Doctor was such a blessing...long story there...but he immediately knew my rage and anger just by looking in my eyes.
Hours before Daddy passed away, I asked that same doctor and the nurse questions with answers that I somehow already knew. I faced things that I didn't want to see but were staring me in my face. It was only then that I told Daddy that I didn't want him to be in any pain. I knew medically he couldn't ever come back but I refused to take him off of the ventilator or remove his support meds because that would be too much like giving up on him. I told Daddy that if he had to go I would scream and cry and my life would never be the same, but I would understand because I loved him that much. He slipped away a few hours later with us at his side and the doctor praying. I turned to step into the hall and the doctor chased out behind me. I do not remember word for word what he said unfortunately, but I remember thinking at that moment that God had sent him to help us. He knew what I felt and was thinking without even saying it. He told me that the love that I had for my father shined so brightly that everyone in there knew it. I was shocked when he mentioned some of the 'dysfuntion' that he knew was happening...told me I should never let them make ME feel guilty for praying for miracles...told me that I knew more about his medical conditions than his chart...told me that he believed that Daddy held on days more than they could medically understand because I begged him every moment to fight and pray for the treatment to work. He also told me to use this---this pain---in a positive way. Don't let the anger remain and turn into bitterness. (Pretty powerful statement!) Honor my love for him to help others who are fighting this disease (ministry, medicine, volunteer, education, or fundraising).
I appreciate you letting me vent on here. I know this is pretty rambly as it is difficult to describe.
Furious, Sad and Heartbroken... 
Linear Mode
