When I was 17 years old my Mom tried to commit suicide in front of me. She took about 200 blood pressure-pain pills-anxiety drugs- I literally jumped on her and I slapped her and tried to pull the pills out of her mouth. Since then -our relationship has never been the same. She tried to kill herself over an argument of $20.00 at that time. The guilt trip she left on me is enormous and will probably never go away.
My question now that I am 40 - on April 6th 2007 my Dad passed away. My Mom and Dad were married for 54 years. My Mom always had this fantasy about her and I being great friends and buddies - like her and her Mom were. But what she did when I was 17 - well - the anger is still very real. But now my Dad is gone. He was her total life system. She didn't like going out - they just sat at home and talked. He was her total support system - shopping - medicines - doctor visits. Then he became sick and died within a matter of 4 months.
Now my Mom is going through terrible pain. No - I do not know the extent to which she is in pain. I lost a father - she lost her soul mate - her lover - her entire life really. I call her everyday - and - everyday it is the same thing. She cries - and cries - and cries - telling me she wishes she was dead. I have taken her to the doctor and she refuses to take anti depressant meds. I now do all the shopping - doctor visits - yard and lawn service - but I will tell you the non stop crying is really starting to effect me. I miss my Dad. But I also believe that now he is with me all the time - I will see him again. I have to remind my Mom that suicide will end with her never seeing him. But that threat - the threat she made when I was 17 - when she mentions it - it just breaks me up. It is affecting my marriage - my relationship with my daughter - I have given up all my friends.
I don't know how to help her. I have called on clergy to call her - but because she had no real religious being in her life - they never call her back. I try to listen to her - but she cries and then threatens to take her life. It has gotten to where I don't want to talk to her. Heck - I don't want to talk to anyone.
She talks to my Dad like he is still there. She cries so much. She has gained 125 pounds. She has no friends. Just me. And the bond between her and I is still strained after all these years. Her suicide attempt just tore me apart. The Ironic thing is that - when she was 7 years old - her alcoholic Dad shot himself in the head at dinner in front of her and my Grandma. She knows the pain and guilt that is placed on a person when they try and/or suceed at suicide. I don't know what to do. I need help. I can not sleep anymore. For the first time in my life - I have considered killing myself. My daughter is the only thing that stops me. I know I will destroy her - like my paternal grandfather did my Mom and she did to me.
What do I do? Any advice would just be a blessing. Thanks.