How I wish I'd had more time with my dad
I can't help but wish I had more time with my dad,though I am very grateful for the 3 months that we originally thought were just 2 weeks.
I miss him so much.
My dad had me when he was 50 and I was his pride & joy.So I'm really lucky that I had him in my life until I was 34.
I just wonder if there was something more we could have done.If we could have tried home care instead of hospice.
If we did the biopsy would there have been hope?If we tried chemo would it have worked? When we were going to switch to home care,they said we couldn't have the oxygen because dad's o2 sat had to be 88 or less and it was 91 or something on his last doctor visit. Hospice never checked his o2 sat- though I asked them to. So the home care said they would have to do an overnight evaluation before they could give him the oxygen. It was frustrating because we didnt want to be without it because when dad walked, he got out of breath.We needed to have it.So this is what deterred us from home care. One of the hospice nurses told me that "you're always going to wonder what more you could've done-all familes do."
The day before my dad died I had requested a visit from the on call hospice nurse.My aunts were sure my dad had the "death rattle." (I heard it to,but didn't want to believe it I guess) When the nurse came over and I asked her,she said he was fine and it wasn't the rattle at all. When my aunts came back over and I told them that the nurse said it wasn't & that he's fine,they just looked at me as if they knew better.
Even though i wonder about it,I feel that chemo wouldn't have been the right choice for my dad I am glad my dad didn't get sick and suffer from harsh treatments.He was comfortable during his final months & I know he was happy because he was with me.
At the same time,I can't imagine the battle he was facing knowing he was going to die.He was very strong.Never spoke of any fears.
I would like to tell anyone who has a terminally ill loved one not to spend time on a "death watch." This was a term I had read about here and didn't know exactly what it meant until after my dad passed away,which was on August 17th 2008.
There were several times I really thought this was it,so that when my dad was actually dying-I didn't realize it or didn't want to,until the few hours before he actually passed.(even though that Sunday morning,his nurse called us into the kitchen and said, "he's actively dying.")
I spent that day running in & out of the house to the pharmacy to pick up medicine that was supposed to begin the following day.
I had to go get the patches to put behind his ears to help with the gurgling sound.(it didn't help)
Then he was on an hourly dose of some medicine to dry up the secretions-but it didn't work. Hospice had said the atropine works the best but it was in such high demand that it was unavailable.
The Thursday before my dad passed,he threw up green bile.This was when he seemed to be going down hill,then again I wasn't sure this was it.He had bounced back so many times.I just wanted him to be okay.
A few nights before he died,he became very winded,to the point where he couldn't speak.I said "dad,don't try to talk.It's okay." This was very hard. It hurt to see my dad in this conditon.
I was also so exhausted from not getting much sleep towards the end,as dad was very restless toward the end.
I wish I could have comforted him more.
I know he's in a better place and not suffering anymore,but I still miss him.
Halloweens coming up and dad always liked to get dressed up and make people laugh.This is my 1 st halloween without him.He spent every halloween with us (and all holidays).We had alot of fun.
I work in a hospital and the other day I was transporting an elderly patient (around my dad's age) back to his room and he very excitedly said to me, "My daughters waiting for me in my room.I have to hurry."He said (very gratefully) "this is the first time she's come to see me since I've been here because she works all the time." (This patient had been there nearly 2 weeks & it wasn't about distance)
It upset me.This daughter couldn't make time for her dad?Not once in 2 weeks? I'm not trying to judge her,but doesn't she know she won't have her father forever?
I don't mean that to offend anyone.This is just how I was feeling.
How I'd love to have another day with my dad
Thanks for this board where I can share my feelings.