It is easy to lose perspective while into emotional issues, but it is not sad for an 80 year old grandmother to pass away. It is a normal and natural and unavoidable part of life. If a person lived a happy life then they did well. If they lived a long and happy life, be really happy for them. I hate to see children suffer, and it is unnatural for a parent to bury their child, but everyone dies. Everyone has or will lose someone close to them. Children exposed to 80 year old grandma's death should be taught that death is a natural part of life and that grandma lived a wonderful life and is in a happy place now. It's not complicated and not something that should screw up anybody's head. Life goes on for the living.
you can not be calvaler (sp?) when it comes to the death of someone. Each person grieves in their own way for what ever timeframe they need. you can not and should not write in a way to trivialize the death.
While it is true that someone in their 80's may have had a great life there are those in their 80's whose life was one big struggle from day to day.
It does not take anything away from someone suffering whether they are in their 80's vs. being month's old or a child.
The person who dies may be someone who made in impact on the world no matter how long they were breathing on this earth, its that loss that someone grieves.
WOW_------that's about the most unkind, uncaring post I have seen on this board----and coming from a 28 year old who just spent the past 6 months caring for her terminally ill 80 year old grandmother------I do not appreciate it at all!
My Nana DID live a great life---and died on October 7, 2008 surrounded by her caring, loving family.
Myself, my 2 aunts, and one other cousin dropped everyhing we had going on in our lives to care for her---she had brain cancer----and I wouldn't trade that time I had with her for anything in this world. It was just as devastating for me to lose her at 80, than it would be if she was 60 or 70.
Why do you think 80 is a magical number? My fiancee's Mom passed at 49---and he was only 24 when his mom died---and he knew that for me, losing my Nana was just as upsetting---and didn't get angry or upset with me when I cried myself to sleep. A loss is a loss------don't you dare think that you have permission to discredit or downplay the loss of anyone in this life.
We are not the Judge in this life. That is left up to a much Higher Power than we can ever imagine.
My husband died at 48 leaving two great kids just starting out on their lives. he would be so proud of who they are and what they are doing. He had such a smile on his face with joy when he saw them and did things with them.
he died 7 weeks before his youngest graduated high school.
As I said there is no way to NOT grieve the passing of someone. While there are times one can distance themselves from the emotional deprivation of their love and what they meant to the person.
My mother is now dying and while I can honestly say we didn't have the greatest relationship, I will still grieve for her -- for the loss of being able to say 'this is my mom" or my kids saying "Grandma . . .". its the loss of the person and what they represented in life and my mother is 85.
I totally agree with what you are saying----Every now and then you will see me post on the Alzheimer's board---for my other Grandmother is slowly withering away from that disease....and I have mourned her for the last 10 years-----for that is how long I have not had my "Mimi"---and whether she lives to be 90, like her mother, and not have a clue she is on this Earth, or whether she passes in the next year, at 78, I will mourn the loss of that strong woman, who was ALWAYS there for me, no matter what. You are completely correct in saying it is the loss of the person and what they represented to this world.
I think what makes this such a tough subject for me, is that I do have a friend who lost a child, and while I do agree that no parent should have to bury a child, she once made a comment that the loss of the elderly should not even be compared to the loss of a child ( be it your own or in general)---while that is true, i dont think its fair to say that we cannot gireve just as hard for the loss of our special/loved one. the loss of a child is different--i know that.
I think the two situations differ entirely--and really cannot be compared---and I am old enough and wise enough to know that-----but i do not think anyone should think that they have "permission" to tell anyone how to grieve.
and Caring----I know you are going through a tough tough time with the loss of your MOm---as I know with patients of dementia---we have mourned the loss of that "person" long long ago----but you are still facing the death of your mother----regardless of the relationship you all may have had----and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I truly hope your Mom's suffering turns to comfort and the loving arms of her Heavenly Father soon.
Tracie my comments were not directed to any one poster. I'm sorry if you thought I was speaking to you. I was not. However if I was 80 years old, bed ridden, unable to control my own bodily functions, facing certain death, suffering side effects from powerful drugs, and suffering one of the most painful cancers there is, I would want to be comfortable and to die as quickly as possible. Anyone who loved me should also be happy for my passing, and then I hope be happy for me that I had lived such a long and happy life.
if you re-read your post, you'd see that there is no way anyone would've understood what you are trying to say.
If anyone reading this or in the world feels so strongly about the way they want to pass, if faced with an incurable, irreversible illness such as cancer or AlZ or dementia, then let them make up a living will as my mother did.
as soon as we turned it over to the medical personnel did they say that my sister and I no longer have to make the tough decisions, our mother made it for us. We are only there to make sure her wishes are followed.
It is hard for us. Because she is unable to eat sufficiently to sustain weight and therefore life, we technically have to watch her suffer through the worse of what life can deal with us.
Failure to thrive, eating and drinking as normal for everyone is taken away from the person by the horrible affects of the illness. And to watch anyone suffer that way is indescribable.
That is why there's a beauty to Hospice. They allow someone to die with dignity and grace. It is the Living Will that provides us with the knowledge that it is her wishes but it is still difficult for us to follow, but we will with God's help.
I know you could not have been speaking to one poster directly and most certainly not directly to me---for I have never spoke of my Grandmother's death on these boards---as that was private to me---and I was at peace with her death---and I didn't need to post about it to anyone.
However---your post really hit home b/c of the nature of it----and yes, I am happy and as I said, at peace that my Grandmother is in Heaven with her husband, and yes, her son,b/c she buried a child while still alive herself---
however----the fact that I am happy that she is no longer suffering does not make the mourning and grieving any less...it is a comfort though. BUt am i running through the streets singing songs b/c my Nana is gone? No. When i received 2 job promotions recently, who was one of the first people I wanted to call, and couldn't?? Nana---Whose phone number is still in my cell? Nana ....Whose street do I drive by every single day on my way to and from work?? Nana------
you don't just rejoyce and sing songs over the death of an elderly person---just b/c they have lived a long and happy life.
certainly I can be happy that she is no longer suffering from the effects of chemo and radiation----but can i not be sad that she is no longer here to be happy with my family about my new job?? can i not be sad that she will not be here to see 2 more great grandkids born this Summer? Was I wrong to cry on Christmas b/c Christmas at my Aunts was nothing like Christmas at Nana's?
As I said---I know you couldnt have directed it at me----being as I had never posted about this----however, you could not have really posted something like that, and thought you wouldnt have received a reaction from people who have experienced this loss and view it very differently than you do.
I do understand what you are saying. Death is a very emotional thing. We grieve for ourselves and what we have lost. I lost my husband 2 years ago and I miss him terribly, however, I know he's in a better place. Even the term "lost" is indicative of our perspective on death. I think "passing" is a more appropriate term, but that's for each person to decide. It's our fear of dying, a fear of the unknown that unhinges us when we lose a loved one. If we knew where they went and that everything was fine and it's just a transition to a new life then I think it wouldn't be so overwhelming, but we don't know for sure, so fear is natural. I wish everyone peace and acceptance that I pray for everyday.