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Old 01-27-2009, 09:32 AM   #1
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Unhappy lost my best friend my mom, now what?

I lost my mom on Dec 10 2008 to a long battle with cancer. I just don't know what to do now. everyone tells me it will be ok life goes on i have 2 kids to think about so i need to just move on. But how do you get the images of your mom dying out of your head? her last week of life was so bad and i was there every step of the way, she died in my arms and i have been lost since. worst of all one of my sisters and i had a huge fight over mom's illness cause she was never around to help she was greedy and didn't care about what was going with our mother. i am the youngest in my family and i was the closest to our mom. my siblings never cared too much. so not only do i try somehow to go one with out my mom i feel like my sister died to since she in no longer a part of my family. my mom was my best friend, we did everything together, we talked on the phone at least 3 times EVERY day i saw her almost everyday when she was still feeeling good, then the past 6 months when we were told nothing more they can do, she had maybe 6mo left i was devasted, even though we knew for 8 years she had a cancer that was going to take her life it did not make anything easier. some people have even said to me you had time to prepare and you knew this was going to happen.....well excuse me but how to you prepare to watch your mom suffer for day after day then die in your arms , i fell guilty to my family, muy hisband is a great support here for me 1005 my 15 yr old son as a teenage biy, stays busy and is not around much, then i have my 2 yr old that requires alot of attention and i just feel like i am not being the best mom & wife right now since one of the biggest parts of my life is now gone... i cry all the time...will this ever get better? will this empty lost feeling ever go away>

 
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:34 AM   #2
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

That is terrible. I feel so bad for you.

You know what, you're sad and that's okay. Don't try to get over it. Just BE SAD, and angry, and whatever else you're feeling. You'll never work through you emotions if you don't. Feeling better comes later.

You have a 2 year old to take care. And yes, your child can sense you are upset. This isn't horrible. This is how children learn empathy and compassion. But it's true, it would be hard on your child if you were like that forever. But you won't be, I promise.

So for now, it's okay. Cry whenever you want. Hit a pillow if you want to de-stress. And do lean on your husband and let him know what you're feeling.

-Lily

 
Old 01-27-2009, 02:22 PM   #3
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

thanks Lily

 
Old 01-27-2009, 04:38 PM   #4
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

Jank04, I am so sad to hear of your loss. I can't imagine what it is like to hold your mother and have her die in your arms. I imagine that image and feeling (physically and emotionally) would hang around for a VERY long time. Time does heal, but no one knows what YOUR time table is. No one can predict how you will grieve or for how long. I'm so sorry for your loss!

Now, how to help. I'm glad you came here and reached out. ((((hugs))))

Have you talked with your doctor about how you are feeling? He/she might have some suggestions to help you get through this difficult time. There also might be some support groups for family/loved ones of people who have cancer.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

 
Old 01-27-2009, 06:53 PM   #5
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

thanks pickles, no actually there isn't really any support groups where i am. i had discussed with a dr and they just gave me some pills to help sleep at night. ativan .05mg. which i don't really see helping me much. it;s just so empty without her. all of a sudden i can be fine then next thing i am balling, i sometimes all of a sudden have that awful smell come into my head and it stays for a few minutes, awful smell i am talking about i guess is the smell of death??? not sure i just know it was a very strange smell when i was with my mom on her last day and it seems to be stuck in my head along with the vision of her looking like a skeleton fighting for every breathe! i can't get these images out of brain, i just hpe for my family's sake i can find some peace with great people like you!
thanks and god bless

 
Old 02-01-2009, 04:57 AM   #6
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

im so sorry for your lost. I lost my husband of 40 years Nov. 8 and he had cancer for 1 year. and dont ever let anyone tell you . you where prepared. you never are. no matter what honey. I knew in my heart. walt would leave me but at the end and kept holding on for a miracle. my daughter of 27 is having a hard time with this.she was also holding her dads hand and the other on his heart. when he pass . and she told me later. she kept telling herself. he would leave her but also wanted a miracle to happen. images just want leave us and I suppose like people are telling us. with time it helps. and I know it will. because we lost our only son with sucidide in 1999. and Iv made it through that and I will make it through losing my love of 40 years. hang in there and keep writing down your thoughts on ;paper . Iv started doing that. as if he is still here with me. take care. disney world, faye

 
Old 02-02-2009, 06:33 AM   #7
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

Thank you so much, it has been so hard everyday, i push myself since i have 2 young ones at home that need me so i know in my heart mom would not want me to sit around and mope and cry. but somedays it just grabs me and won't let go. I pray for you and your daughter to find peace too, tell your daughter my thoughts are with her as i we do understand what each other is going through. and god bless you for having the strength after your son's death. I CANNOT IMAGINE THAT! I have found one thing to focus on and hoping that will help i am taking part in the relay for life this year and i am sure the rest of my life i will be part of this organization. If we can help another family with that miracle we were looking for i am all for it. Maybe your daughter could also join? help focus some of the pain and a good way to honor her dad? just a thought. thank you so much for your words of support it is aexactly what i need.
Take care and god Bless
Julie

 
Old 02-04-2009, 05:45 PM   #8
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

jank04, our stories are very similar, and I want you to know that I honestly know somewhat of what you are going through. I'm so sorry to hear about the pain, it hurts so badly. My mom is gone, too - she passed away Dec. 17, right before Christmas. I, too, was there right when died, when she took her last breath. You are right, one minute we are seemingly fine, and the next minute, uncontrollable tears. I talked to one of my good friends today, she lost her dad last year, and she emphasized to me to grieve however it feels comfortable. I have four kids, twin boys, 15, my daughter is 9, and my youngest son is 5. So, I know our kids can keep us busy! If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I also can't get the images out of my head. So many people tell me that time will help us to heal, but the days just seem to crawl by now. My mom and I were best friends, too, and talked everyday. During her last few months, though, the phone calls became shorter and less frequent, and I didn't realize it at the time, but she was growing so tired, and possibly knew in her heart and soul that she was dying. God bless you, and know that you are not alone.

 
Old 02-05-2009, 05:30 AM   #9
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

CaMom4kids, thanks so much, I am glad you wrote. It does help some to have people that understand the pain. Yu are so right about the days seeming to only crawl! I too have a 15 yr old son, and an almost 3yr old daughter. I think the hardest thing for me to hear is when my little one says i miss grama but she's in heaven now, it just breaks my heart. I know death is hard enough at anytime but for our loved ones to go right before christmas just seems that much haerder. Now i seem to be going through all the "firsts" like this is the first Super Bowl without mom. And each holiday to come is going to seem so dismal. Did your mom have cancer or was she going through something you were not aware of? I pray for yu too and hope you can find peace and strength for your family. I am also here if you would like to chat feel free to write anytime. Take care and God Bless you as well.
J

 
Old 02-05-2009, 01:20 PM   #10
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

I'm glad you wrote, too! My daughter, too, says she misses Gramma a lot, they were very close. My mom suffered from peripheral vascular disease, COPD, and cardiovascular disease. She was a heavy smoker for 50 years, and also had osteophorosis really bad. She was constantly in pain, and her doctors explained to us that the lack of adequate blood flow and oxygen made it a lot worse. She contracted an infection in the hospital in July on her lower leg, and it would not heal. It turned into osteomylitis, and we had to place her in a skilled nursing home. She just never got better, didn't want to eat, it was just awful. On Dec. 10th, she was taken to the hospital for an app't regarding her leg, as the doctors were talking about amputating her lower leg. They determined that she was not a good candidate for surgery because she was so frail and sick. My sister and I felt so helpless, and angry, too. It was devastating. That's when we had to sign her over to Hospice, and she was gone in less than a week. I have a sister and brother that live back east, and they were flying out on Dec. 18th, but my Mom passed the day before. I really believe that God wanted my siblings to remember her happy and healthy, I really do. I still can't go a day without thinking of my mom's last days and moments here on Earth. I do hope that our children remember the good times with Gramma...I think they will. And isn't it fun raising a teenager? I hope you have a peaceful day, and like I said before, you are not alone. Hope to hear from you soon.

Last edited by CAmom4kids; 02-05-2009 at 01:21 PM. Reason: spelling error

 
Old 02-22-2009, 12:25 PM   #11
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

I could have written your post exactly. My siblings are useless. I was with my mom in hospice right up until her last breath. We, too, were very close. She had been battling Multiple Myeloma, a cancer of the bone marrow, for 17 years. I ended up leaving my home in California and moving to Florida to care for her during her last year and a half of life. Keep in mind, both of my siblings lived in Florida within driving distance from her.

I cut ties with my sister and there is tension between my brother and I. During the year and a half that I lived with my mom, I saw them both less than ten times.

I was in shock at first, now I am horribly depressed. I moved back to California and am staying with my aunt (who technically isn't my aunt but rather my mom's brother's ex-wife who remained close to my mom) and with the failing economy, the future seems dim.

I miss my mom incredibly. We would speak on the phone everyday, usually twice and she would always come out to visit me in LA. I wish I could say something that would comfort you. I guess I will just end by saying: You're not alone. I know exactly what you're going through.

 
Old 02-23-2009, 06:12 AM   #12
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

thank you so much for your words and support, it is some what comforting to know i am not the only one with sibblings like this, especially when we are all raised by the same loving mother and they could turn their backs on her(us). It is very depressing not only do we feel so sad for our loss of the most important person in our lives but it is if we also experience the death of the sibblings cause i know in my heart i cannot forgive them for what the have done or rather lack of!!! I hope you to can find comfort and peace. it has been just over 2 months and the pain is still very strong but i guess a tiny bit less each passing day. I hope you find that place once again of happiness, just know your mom is very proud of you and is always with you and nobody can take that from us. Live in the good memories and try to bury the sibbling rivalry, i know it is hard but i have made up my mind i did everything i could and i am proud to have been so blessed with a mother like i had!
Take care and know too you are not alone!
J

Last edited by jank04; 02-23-2009 at 06:15 AM.

 
Old 02-25-2009, 08:36 AM   #13
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

May I chime in here?

Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your mother. Like you, I have experienced the loss of a parent and let me tell you - it's been 7 years now and I still have my good and bad days.

My father was 47 years old when he died suddenly from a massive heart attack. As you can imagine, it was a very painful loss. What saddened me the most was that my 13 yr old sister was the one who found him the following morning. It was a traumatic experience for her, as well as I. I am now coping with a mother that has hepatitis C and I have to help her out during her bad days from her sickness.

I can tell you from experience, which I'm sure most men/women/children who have lost a parent can, that the first year is the hardest and every year after is hard, especially when you look to those special days of celebration and miss the times you had with your mom/dad. You miss everything about them, their voice, their face, their laughter, everything.

There isn't a day that goes by after 7 years that I don't think of my dad. Just this past weekend, I went to the cemetary to put flowers on his grave. It's times like that when I feel like I'm in a bad scene from a movie that will be over as soon as I stop the DVD player. But when I get in my car to drive home, I have overwhelming emotions of love, anger, hate and sadness. It does good to get that all out from time to time.

Take gentle care during this difficult time.....Hugs!

 
Old 02-25-2009, 07:11 PM   #14
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Re: lost my best friend my mom, now what?

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are experiencing...I myself can sympathize with what you are going through. I lost my dad July 9, 2008 to a fast bout of cancer (mesothelioma) to be exact. I was holding his hand as he took his last breath as well and watched him go down hill super fast. Me, mom and dad were the best of friends and I talked to them 3-5 times a day also. Dad started getting sick in January, diagnosed in June and passed away in July. We do know it is going to happen, but for some reason we dont feel the reality of it or want to believe it. I still dont think its real. I have learned when people say he is in a better place that it does not help b/c he is not here with me. As my time has gone by it has honestly gotten harder. I have a year old son daddy did get to meet but he will never know my dad. That is hard but he keeps me going. We never get over it and it will forever change our lives in every way. I dont have those magic encouraging words to tell you how to go on, we just do, we have to so we do b/c the sun rises and the sun sets and we have to go through the day. As my dad would tell me, "just because I can't doesnt mean you cant"...My sister and niece have also kind of alienated themselves from my mother and i and that is hard too b/c we feel like not only did we lose daddy but we lost them too. It is added stress. I cry inside everyday and when I am alone I just bawl. My husband doesnt understand why I still cry so often which makes me hold it in. Just pray, lean on God and know he has a reason for what he has put in place and have faith. Stay strong and know you arent alone. You will be in my prayers, thoughts and may God Bless you. If you want to talk to someone who understands, Im here...just private message me.

 
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