It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Death & Dying Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-28-2009, 06:57 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Sheffield
Posts: 4
hedaykin1 HB User
Exclamation I need to talk about my dad dying.

My dad is currently suffering from Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP) which mainly affects people around the age of 60-70 and states the estimated time they have left is 5-7 years. My dad is only 50 and even though it is said that people do not die from PSP, he is. We do not know how long he has but he has gone downhill very fast; his speech is sometimes slurred, his balance has been affected, he chokes on drinks, he falls over, he stares and much more.

My mum already suffers from depression and is in constant pain from a road accident many years ago which combined with the effects of PSP, means she is getting worse aswell. She truly is amazing to put up with all she does especially with the extra strain of my dad not being able to work anymore.

My brother is only 11 years old and does not fully understand it however will not talk to anyone, which I suppose is his way to deal with it.

I thought I knew how to deal with it; I just accepted it as my attitude was there is nothing I can do about it. Living at university is a great help as it is an escape for me however I know the rest of my family is not so lucky.
I read a few things on the internet about dealing with the death of a family member and someone had suggested that I write a speach to be given at my dad's funeral. Whether I will be able to read it is another matter.

So many people lecture me saying things like "You only have a limited time with your father" which really annoys me because I don't need reminding. I spend time with him when I can but unfortunately it has just come at the wrong time, which would be anytime really!

Anyone out there?

 
The following user gives a hug of support to hedaykin1:
StarringU (01-19-2011)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-28-2009, 07:50 PM   #2
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 66
misE08 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

I lost my daddy in July of this past year and it is so so hard to watch the strongest man you know go down hill and not be himself...I dont really have a way to tell you to deal with it and I dont think we ever fully accept it, i know I still havent, and everyone has their own way and time of dealing with the loss of a loved one, so no matter what you do no one should judge you or tell you what to do. I know that I will never ever regret how I put myself in the situation of "nothing else mattered" at that time and I had a 4 month old son and my husband stayed with him so I could be at the hospital as much as I could. My attitude was my husband and baby will be here when my daddy wouldnt and I must soak up every ounce of time I can with him and make sure he knows how much I love him and just what he has meant to me and my life. I suggest you have a one on one private talk with your daddy and just tell him everything that is in your heart, you wont get a second chance to do so later. If you are comfortable with writing something for his funeral do so, I wrote my daddy a poem, and also a note that I stuck in his pocket to take with him. I am so sorry you have to experience this and your brother at such a young age. Just be there for him, I know kids hold their emotions in and sometimes dont fully understand, we know it is happening, but the same time we feel it will not happen to us. You will be surprised what your mom can do when she has too, I was with my mom as well. Just be there for her and know this is so hard on her as well. God Bless you and your family and I will be praying for you...I hope my words have helped you in some way.

 
Old 03-01-2009, 06:38 PM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Columbus, MT, U.S.
Posts: 6
Eddiebug HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

I lost my Dad on December 23, 2008. Even though the last year of his life, he was so frail, losing weight, and on constant oxygen, when the time came, it was extremely hard to go through. I am still grieving. Dad had pulmonary fibrosis, congestive heart failure, diabetes, and prostate cancer. He went from a man of 5'10" and 180 pounds to a man about 5 feet tall and 117 pounds.

Hedaykin1 - I had a friend that died from PSP, and I am so sorry to hear it has afflicted your Dad. I know what he went through. It was hard to watch him go downhill. I agree with MisE08; tell him everything that's in your heart and how much you love him. It's terrible that he is so young, and you & your brother are so young. It's hard, no matter your age when you lose a parent. I was closest to my Dad, and the last couple of years I wrote him letters every week, telling him how much I loved him and what I remembered about him as I was growing up. I know he really appreciated that.

MisE08 - you have my condolences on the loss of your father. Do you still have times when it hits you all over again? There's a certain song on the radio that just tears you up, maybe a commercial on TV, or just the thought of him being gone will tear you up.

I will keep both of you in my prayers. Know that I am here if you need to talk. Maybe in a way, it will help me in turn.

 
Old 03-02-2009, 05:40 AM   #4
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 66
misE08 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Eddiebug: Yes, I find the longer it goes the harder it gets to me. He passed away of Mesothelioma Cancer. No cure, nothing they could do and he didnt even live a month after diagnosis, but he was sick for about 6 months, the last week of his life mom and him lived with me b/c she couldnt take care of him alone. It is hard b/c I have a year old son he only got to see for 4 months and couldnt enjoy him b/c he felt so bad. I hear the song "You can let go now daddy" by Crystal Shawanda and it hits me to the core. Anywhere I go, things I see, the weather I feel etc. all remind me of him b/c me, him and mom were so so close. I can't even watch WVU Football or basketball anymore, it hurts too bad b/c that is a big connection we had together. Yours is still fresher than mine, I went through a period I was so proud to talk about him and wouldnt cry, not now, I cry over the smallest thing of him. I just thank God for loaning him to me for as long as he did, at least I got to know so much of this loving caring person, and I will spend eternity with him...knowing that is somewhat a comfort. I dont know what helps you to get through it, but I will add you to my prayers, it is so hard to lose a parent. I dont think we ever get over it. I hope you find strength and comfort in your days ahead....remember, I am here if you need to "talk" to someone. Best wishes. Missy ((((hugs))))

QUOTE=Eddiebug;3903477]I lost my Dad on December 23, 2008. Even though the last year of his life, he was so frail, losing weight, and on constant oxygen, when the time came, it was extremely hard to go through. I am still grieving. Dad had pulmonary fibrosis, congestive heart failure, diabetes, and prostate cancer. He went from a man of 5'10" and 180 pounds to a man about 5 feet tall and 117 pounds.

MisE08 - you have my condolences on the loss of your father. Do you still have times when it hits you all over again? There's a certain song on the radio that just tears you up, maybe a commercial on TV, or just the thought of him being gone will tear you up.

 
Old 03-05-2009, 08:55 AM   #5
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Sheffield
Posts: 4
hedaykin1 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Thanks so much for your replies. I felt like I was drowning in my own tears when I posted it and just needed someone to talk to! Whenever I talk to people about it I don't feel I can truly say what I want to say because people who know me know that I'm always joking around and I'm kind of a little bit like Chandler from Friends; making jokes in awkward/uncomfortable situations. So it really means a lot that you have took the time to reply to me because to be honest I wasn't expecting anyone to write back even though I wanted them to!

I really feel for both of you and the situations you have been in and what you have been through and it fills me with hope because I see, through your writings, how strong you both are.

I've listened to "You can let go now daddy" over and over and over and over again. && if you don't mind I'd like to use it at his funeral, but obviously I understand if you feel it's too personal for you.

I really appreciate your prayers and the support you guys have given me even if you don't feel like you have. I know that the road ahead is a long and scary one. I know that I can let my tears out at anytime I want to. I know that people are all around me for support. I know that God is there for me. I know that I'm going to need to be strong for my family however I didn't know it was ever going to happen to me.

Thankyou. xxx

 
The following user gives a hug of support to hedaykin1:
StarringU (01-19-2011)
Old 03-05-2009, 10:48 AM   #6
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 66
misE08 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

We NEVER think it will really happen to us, we think it only happens to others. Even when you are going through it it still seems unreal and it still did to me for the first 6 months and then I think it truly hit me in the heart and the gut!! We make it through some how and I know that you will too, by the Grace of God and all the support around you.
You most definetly can use that song at his services, if that is what you want then you do what you feel is fitting. My daddy knew about the song from me telling him but he never heard it..in his state I am glad he didnt, it would have hit him too hard. The peom I wrote to him was truly from my heart and whatever you do from the heart is never wrong. remember that. I titled it "daddys little girl". The song from Crystal Shawanda fits me and dad to a "T"...he did all of those things and I finally had to tell him it was okay to let go and that hurt more than anything to say because I wanted nothing more but for him to stay.
I wish you much peace, comfort and support. Like I said you can private message me if you need to "talk" to someone who feels your pain. It is okay to cry and if you can't be strong, that is okay too.....I found that being strong for everyone else was good at the time, but it was hard on me later b/c I never really let it out. Keep your head up, tell your daddy everything inside of you, cherish the moments with him and know that someone will ALWAYS be there to listen....
Missy

 
Old 03-05-2009, 08:20 PM   #7
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: connecticut
Posts: 81
Marie1973 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

MisE08,I am in tears reading your posts.I lost my Dad on August 17,2008.
I can totally relate to everything you said.I loved my Dad so much and was so very close to him-I also cry over the littlest things that remind me of him,almost 7 months later.
I was so blessed to have been able to take care of him for the last 3 months of his life-I am ever so grateful for that and the time we had together.
It's true you never get over it,but knowing that one day we will be together again makes it easier to bear.
I am very sorry about your loss and for your loss also Eddie.

My dad died from lung cancer,3 months after diagnosis.He was originally given 2 weeks to live,but he found the energy and strength to stick around a little longer with us.
It was very hard watching him deteriorate,as he has always been & always will be my hero and the strongest man I've ever known.
I can't imagine what he was going through knowing he was dying.
He's at peace now,but not a day goes by that I don't think of him,or mention him,a story he told me or advice he's given me.
We'll always have our memories.

Hedaykin,just spend as much time as you can and say what you need to say.There's no easy way to deal with losing someone who is such an important person in your life.
May God bless you,your dad, and your brother during this difficult time and always.
May you find comfort in knowing that there are others who know what your are going through.

I will keep you all in my prayers,
Marie

 
Old 03-06-2009, 08:35 AM   #8
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 66
misE08 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Marie1973: I am sorry of your loss as well, isnt it the hardest thing to deal with then and everyday after? I know that my daddy would not have wanted me to live my life sad b/c he wasnt here with me, even though I am human and can not help to be sad. I know what you mean about a fast diagnosis and to watch your father, your best friend, the strongest man you knew to detiorate (sp?) in front of you...he was always there to fix my hurts and I just wanted to do that for him and couldnt...I am thankful you and I both were able to take care of them for the last days of their lives and God gave us the time to share our feelings with them. A lot of people dont get that opportunity. I hope each day that God gives to you that you can find peace and comfort and hope for the future.
I feel everyone that loses a parent that you are so so close to, it is so hard, I know we all must endure it one day or another but we are never prepared. Just love like there is no tomorrow and live with no regrets. God Bless you all and you will each be in my daily prayers. Missy

 
Old 03-06-2009, 01:22 PM   #9
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: kinston,NC usa
Posts: 327
thisworld HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by misE08 View Post
Marie1973: I am sorry of your loss as well, isnt it the hardest thing to deal with then and everyday after? I know that my daddy would not have wanted me to live my life sad b/c he wasnt here with me, even though I am human and can not help to be sad. I know what you mean about a fast diagnosis and to watch your father, your best friend, the strongest man you knew to detiorate (sp?) in front of you...he was always there to fix my hurts and I just wanted to do that for him and couldnt...I am thankful you and I both were able to take care of them for the last days of their lives and God gave us the time to share our feelings with them. A lot of people dont get that opportunity. I hope each day that God gives to you that you can find peace and comfort and hope for the future.
I feel everyone that loses a parent that you are so so close to, it is so hard, I know we all must endure it one day or another but we are never prepared. Just love like there is no tomorrow and live with no regrets. God Bless you all and you will each be in my daily prayers. Missy
to everyone on this post. Im crying by reading them. I lost my husband Nov 8. he also had lung cancer. his baby girl Jessica which is 27 sounds just like yall. she was holding her dads hand and the other on his heart when he pass. she worship him so much. they never had a argument in 27 years. when things went down she would always call him for advice. she wants to pick up the phone so many times just to ask him something. he was her best friend. and 2 days later. she was sitting on the couch and tears down her cheeks. saying no one will ever love me the way daddy did. we would have been married 40 years Valintines Day. he was a very special man and we will never get over with it. but our love ones would want us to live to the fullest. you have someone in North Caroling saying specail prayers for everyone. take care love, disney world, faye

 
Old 03-06-2009, 01:30 PM   #10
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 66
misE08 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

faye: I cried also reading yours, I know just about how your daughter feels, my mom and dad were married for just shy of 42 years and we, me, mom, my sister, niece, aunt, friend and my sisters fiance were all with my daddy when he was taking his last breath...it was sooooo hard and I feel the pain of wanting to pick up the phone to just tell your daddy something, I do that all the time b/c he was the one who was honest but kind about any issue I had and we could also joke over the smallest of things, or just watch a ballgame together or over the phone and life was great. There is nothing like being "daddys little girl". My heart aches for her as well as you. God bless you all as tears roll down my face....I know I will see him again. Missy

 
Old 03-07-2009, 12:04 PM   #11
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Columbus, MT, U.S.
Posts: 6
Eddiebug HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

It's Eddiebug again. Tomorrow would have been my Dad's 89th birthday. After speaking to my depression doctor (he knew how bad off my Dad was), he said I did the absolute right thing in his treatment and my Dad loves me more for it. He said we'll hit bumps, and it will take time.....but we have each other and we can lean on each other right here when we need to. I'm always around if anyone needs to lean on me and cry on my shoulder, and I'll be right there, crying on yours. We've become a family now.

 
Old 03-07-2009, 05:18 PM   #12
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Sheffield
Posts: 4
hedaykin1 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Can someone get us some more tissues over here?!?! haha!

All of these posts make me cry and I feel for all of you as every account is different and you cannot imagine what one person is going through to the full extent that they are however I know for sure that you guys have really helped me be at ease with my thoughts and dealing with it.

I thank God for you guys everyday...everytime I think of you and each time I think of my dad.

At the moment all I am thinking about is his funeral. I just can't get it out of my head, I don't know if it's part of accepting it's going to happen or if I just have a feeling it's soon? ARGHHH I'm drivin myself insane!
&& The thing that's playing on my mind mostly about that day is his mother and father coming. I have not seen them for 11 years now because they are truly horrible people, I can't go too much into it but under extreme circumstances, all ties were cut and I had to proceed harrassment charges against them at the age of 12. LONG STORY! I asked my mum if they were invited and she said of course they are but it's upto them if they come or not. This is a MASSIVE problem for me as I have so much hatred for them through all the hurt and there isn't a way to rectify it even if it seems pathetic to people reading this. I am really protective over my brother, and he has no recollection of them. We have never denied the fact he has other grandparents however we just choose not to talk about it but will not lie to him. I know this day will be made even harder if they try to talk to me or the rest of my family however like my mum said, you will not know who is there and who isn't.
Sorry I just had to get it off my chest. They have been haunting me for the last 11 years and this is not something I want to come out!

H x

 
Old 03-07-2009, 07:14 PM   #13
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 66
misE08 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Please dont let the fact that they are there bother you now or get in the way of how you feel about your dad, mom and brother....you need to just concentrate on that right now and cross that bridge when you get to it...I can't tell you how to be or what to do b/c only you know the full story and what it made you feel like etc....but you really wont pay too much attention to who is there and who isnt and if you see them just turn your back, avoid them and just concentrate on YOUR family and the feelings that you have for losing your father (when that day comes) or if you dwell on it it will override the reason you are there and you will only regret that in time. Heck, they may not even show.....so please, as hard as it is dont dwell on it now....As far as picturing and thinking of the day you say goodbye, it is only b/c you know it is coming and you just put yourself there already..I honestly believe it is God preparing you for that day. I know I never understood how family could stand at the casket in a reception line and not cry so hard you couldnt talk...well, again, I think God puts a barrier around you and gives you a "state of mind" to get through it and be able to deal with it..Dont get me wrong it is the hardest thing I have EVER done, but with God on my side I got thru it SOMEHOW and so will you...I just weep for you...I really do, I dont know your true feelings, I can only sympathize for your situation of losing a daddy. I miss mine everyday and life will never be the same....but life does have to go on and we do it...Please just be with your dad and enjoy the time you have with him. I am glad you feel better knowing others are here, we are and will be...we may not know one another but then again, God puts us through situations to help others learn to deal with them and be there for them....Please keep us up to date and talk anytime you need to, I check back regularly and it is therapy for me too. I will continue many prayers for you and wish you all the best...God bless you.

 
Old 03-07-2009, 07:18 PM   #14
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 66
misE08 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eddiebug View Post
It's Eddiebug again. Tomorrow would have been my Dad's 89th birthday. After speaking to my depression doctor (he knew how bad off my Dad was), he said I did the absolute right thing in his treatment and my Dad loves me more for it. He said we'll hit bumps, and it will take time.....but we have each other and we can lean on each other right here when we need to. I'm always around if anyone needs to lean on me and cry on my shoulder, and I'll be right there, crying on yours. We've become a family now.

that was such a sweet post Eddiebug....I am here for everyone also and please if you want to say something or talk you can private message me and I will answer as soon as possible...everyone needs someone and when someone can feel the same losses as you it helps to share that...I know b/c my husband doesnt fully understand b/c he hasnt lost his parents yet and doesnt understand the hurt. Thanks for all of you being here to talk...

 
Old 03-08-2009, 09:32 PM   #15
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: connecticut
Posts: 81
Marie1973 HB User
Re: I need to talk about my dad dying.

Hedaykin,like Missy said you will get through it.I don't know how I did either.I didn't ever think I could.I've always been daddy's litle girl and I thought for sure I would fall apart seeing my dad lying there in the casket.
After all,it was always him comforting me at every wake and funeral-even as an adult,he would ask me if I was alright.He just wanted to know that I was alright and would be okay without him.
The morning before he died he asked me if I was alright.

During the time my dad was on hospice and after,I know God gave me the strength to get through.You can't imagine them ever leaving the earth forever-but something,God's Grace,allows you to have acceptance while you're going through this.

The night my dad died,I had told him that it was okay for him to go,that I'd be okay,I didn't want him to suffer hanging on for me and that I would look after my mom.Ten minutes later he passed.It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do,if not the hardest -to give my dad permission to die.
I'm crying again.You can look up my other posts.I was on here pretty much daily for those 3 months and it helped me so much.

If your grandparents show up,don't worry about it.You're there for yourself and your Dad.I know when hospice asked us about funeral arrangements 3 months before my Dad passed,my mom didn't want to think about it and we just waited until it was time.

Thank you all for being here.I am very grateful for this board.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Need some help understanding where to go from here... cmlyna Relationship Health 5 09-27-2008 12:10 PM
REALLY need advice k2626 Depression 8 06-01-2008 10:04 PM
I need feedback since my last drs visit Donna9478 Anemia 2 07-17-2005 06:48 AM
New to this board...and need some positive support musicmork Bowel Disorders 38 03-16-2005 08:55 AM
Need Help/Advice- Please Read! shellbell1282 Brain & Nervous System Disorders 2 02-10-2004 07:29 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:20 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!