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Old 03-08-2009, 05:50 PM   #1
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krazigymnast530 HB User
Unhappy I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

Hi everyone,

I'm 20 years old and I'm still attending college. My mom passed away from stomach cancer on December 1, 2008. I was with her until the very end. I took time off from school 6 months before she passed and spent every minute with her. We took walks in the park, went shopping, cooked and watched lots of TV together. During that time, I grew so attached to my mom and couldn't even imagine her leaving me alone in this world. Now that she's gone, I don't know how to live without her. I feel alone, afraid and find myself frustrated with life as each day goes on. I find myself throwing fits throughout the day around my boyfriend and being angry at everything in life. I miss her so much and I keep thinking about how much it sucks not being able to talk to her about school, boys and life. Whats worse is that I imagine myself in the future without her (my graduation, my wedding, etc) and I feel soooooo much pain. I still feel like crying everyday and I fight to hold in tears every time I think of her. When will things get better?

 
Old 03-08-2009, 08:41 PM   #2
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happy18 HB User
Re: I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my mom when I was 24 back in 1998. She was in the hospital for about 3 months so I didn't get to spend much time with her. She was not expected to die so no one was ready for what happened. I never got to say good-bye or even tell her how much she meant to me! It has been almost 11 years and I still grieve for her. I was married 1 year after she died so she was not at my wedding and didn't even know my husband. That hurts a little and always will.

One thing I suggest you do is keep remembering that whole 6 months you were given to spend w/her!! That time you had together is so priceless and those memories will help to get you through.

All those feelings you said you are having...I've felt all of them and at times, I still do. In the future all of the occasions(wedding, graduation, kids) that she is going to miss out on will bring you to tears, but you will also be so happy that it will not keep you down. The pain will get easier to deal with as the years go by, just keep remembering those precious 6 months you had. You might consider talking to a counselor. There was a period of time after my mom passed, when I was extremely depressed and just couldn't get back to myself. I was causing fights with my husband because I was so angry at the world and just wanted to explode on somebody. I found a woman counselor and went to her office every week, at one point she told me that I really needed to see a dr. for an anti-depressant, I refused but kept getting worse so I finally agreed. Once on the anti-depressant, I only took it about 6 to 8 months and then I was able to deal w/my grief w/out it. I still saw the counselor for a while. It sure helped to unload my feelings on someone.

I've been there, so I know that the things I've said above will not take the pain away but there really isn't any easy way to go through this. Just hang in there. The one person I really leaned on was the Lord, because I knew that he truley understood my pain.

I hope that at least some of what I have said helps. I am truley sorry and will pray for you. Please take care.

 
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Old 03-09-2009, 06:19 AM   #3
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misE08 HB User
Re: I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

I am sorry for both of your alls losses...it is so very hard to lose a parent. If you have read any of my other posts you will know I lost my dad 8 months ago today and boy it sure doesnt seem like that long. I miss him so much everyday, and like you, I went through the angry stage where you just wanted to unload your feelings and just scream, it is hard to get through that. I went through a period where I could talk so proudly about my daddy and not cry and then in January I just hit a big depression and for a week I didnt go out of the house, talk to anyone on the phone and I just cried a lot, and now I still can't talk about him without crying. I do have a year old son that my dad got to meet but he was looking forward to making him his buddy...that hurts me too, knowing he isnt here for him. Your time will be different in your situation than others, but I feel it gets harder in the year and going through all the firsts without them here. I hear it gets better in time and I surely hope so...on my way home from church yesterday I just broke down, I felt so overwhelmed with missing him I couldnt stop crying...you just have to let it out.
I only had less than a month with my dad to get all of our feelings for each other out...but we just have to be thankful for that time and those days you spent with your mom, those are times that are so special and no one can take away from you. Count your true blessings b/c a lot of people dont even get the chance to tell them how much they loved them and that has to be harder. I know all your future events without your mother will be so hard ( I wont lie) but live for the moment and know that she would want you to be happy and not be sad during your happy moments. I feel for you and your pain right now and you just let it out when you feel like letting it out, dont worry what anyone thinks, it is your heart and you must follow it. Rely on the Lord for protection, guidance, comfort and his Grace and that is what will help you, knowing you are never alone as long as you count on him. I will add you to my prayers and if you need to talk, I am here, God Bless you..take care. Missy

 
Old 03-10-2009, 05:46 PM   #4
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fufu HB Userfufu HB User
Re: I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

first of all, it's okay to cry, no need to hold in those tears, let them out, go ahead! cry, this is your mom you're crying for. i lost my mom almost two years ago, when i was forty.
a mom is your mommy no matter how old you are. there is a poem written by emily matthews which ends with "there are so many people that pass through your life leaving something to fondly recall, but only one mother to cherish forever the most precious person of all." true to her words, for myself, i am so blessed that i have so many wonderful people in my life, but none of them is my mother. i, like you miss her every second of every day, i cry all the time, the pain is so intense i don't know what to do, but i think of how lucky i am to have had her in my life. i lost my dad when i was seventeen he died suddenly in front of me, so believe me i feel your pain. i must tell you, things will get worse before they get better. i can tell you that things will be okay, but not for a long while, the loss of a mother is so painful, i feel like my heart is slowly bleeding since mt mom got sick, it hurts so much, i like you want her back, but i know that that's not going to happen. cry when you want to and laugh when you want to, show your emotions, talk about it, share your pain with someone that's close to you.
i do different things in my mom's memory which make me feel a little better, i try to live by the way she taught me, that makes me happy. try to go on with your life, live and laugh and carry your pain, and do something that would help you, we're all different so different things work for us. dig deep inside and find something that'll give you some peace. i hope you find it.

 
Old 03-11-2009, 05:46 AM   #5
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Eddiebug HB User
Re: I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

krazigymnast530, it will take time, but the hurt gets less and less -- and you will have days when it comes back just like it happened all over again. I lost my Dad on December 23, 2008. I've been on that rollercoaster. A lot of us on this board are on that rollercoaster, so we know how you feel. Don't hold your feelings inside. See if there is a Grief support group you can join, or a very close friend you can talk to who's gone through the same thing. I've done all these, and this board has been so helpful as well. I am so sorry about your Mom. I wish there was a magic pill to get us through this, but there's us - your friends. I don't have any magic words that will help, just know that we are all here for you and will talk to you when you need us. A lot of people say to remember the good times, but that's hard at this stage. You were lucky to have her for your Mom, and she was proud to have you for her daughter. Just talk to us when you need to. We'll be here. {{HUGS}}

 
Old 07-03-2009, 09:05 PM   #6
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iamtooyoung HB User
Re: I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

I am so sorry about your mom. I lost my dad, who I was extremely close to, unexpectedly (diagnosed with cancer for a month) on Christmas morning, 2007. I was only 22 years old and my dad was so excited to see me graduate from college. Doctors told us he would be able to because that was all my dad ever talked about. It was so hard for me at the time and I went through a very dark depression leading up to my graduation in May knowing that my dad wouldn't be there. I almost didn't go because of it, and almost even wasn't able to graduate.

But I did it. After such unbearable depression over what is a usually joyous event -- I walked with a single tear down my cheek and the biggest smile on my face -- what I believe was the first smile I had since my dad's death. I walked across that stage for my dad and finished my degree for my dad. He has become my inspiration for everything now more than ever.

I too, think about my future and how every happy event will now be incredibly bittersweet without my dad there. My wedding, if I have kids... but if it's anything like graduation was the worries about it before it happens will be the worst part. I look at my diploma in my frame on the wall and feel like it's something I share with my dad now. I strive to make my dad happy and proud of me and that's seriously what keeps me going. My first year without my dad I was in such a dark place, but it has already gotten a little better. I do go back to that place every now and then but after a year and a half, I have made huge improvements.

I am so sorry for what you're going through because I know. It's hard losing a parent in the first place but I think it's SO much harder at this age when I, at least, needed my dad more than ever.

Last edited by iamtooyoung; 07-03-2009 at 09:09 PM.

 
Old 07-08-2009, 11:08 AM   #7
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annasui95 HB User
Re: I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

Hi krazigymnast530! I hope are coping well now,it has been months since your mom dies. I know how it feels to loose a parent, my dad died when I was only 13 and our youngest was only 5 then. I am 24 now, and still I feel sad everytime I remember my dad. Days, months and years may pass but we will still feel sad about that loss, but the best thing to do is make them so proud of us. I know your mom is watching over you, so be the best person that you can be. I will pray for you. God Bless you and your family.

 
Old 07-12-2009, 07:16 AM   #8
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kevpark HB User
Re: I'm 20, my mom passed. How to cope?

My grandma recently died and i was really close to her. she was literally like a second mom as my mom was very young when she had me.

i have found that while i do not want to forget her, thinking about her a lot makes me sad. i know she wouldnt want me to think about her so much. that doesnt mean forget about her but it does mean to think about what makes you happy. thats what i realized she would have wanted and what your dad will have wanted for you too.

 
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