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Old 03-23-2009, 03:10 PM   #1
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numan100 HB User
Death of Wife

Hi

No idea why i`m here, maybe writing to strangers might help me.

My wife died aged 31 on 3rd of feb this year due to a blood clot on the lung.
The grief is so intense, i`ve never felt anything so horrible in all my life.
I thought after the funeral it would get better but the waves of emotions are so strong i just break down so easily.
I`m back at work now but my mind is just thinking of her, trying to think of as many memories i can of the times we had together.
I feel like i`m putting on an act most of the time as inside i`m hurting so much.
I guess it does somehow get easier in time but right now not so sure it will.
Thanks for reading,
Paul

 
Old 03-23-2009, 03:40 PM   #2
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misE08 HB User
Re: Death of Wife

Paul, first of all I am sorry to hear that you have lost your wife. I can only say I know it has to be so very hard. I lost my father in July 2008 and I know how bad that hurts me. I am gonna tell you straight up like a friend told me, b/c I thought it was just me, but it isnt going to be okay now, or for awhile to come. You lost a big part of your life and it will hurt for a long time, yes, others say it will get better in time (i have yet to find this to be true almost 9 months later) but you do have to think about all the great times you had together but that also is bitter sweet b/c we realize that wont be again either. I dont know if you are religious or not but the way that I get through one day at a time is on the strength God lends to me from him. I am so thankful for the time God lended me my daddy and that he chose him for me and greatful to have had as long as I did with him, he has made me a better person. I know you are probably feeling the same feelings about your wife right now. There will forever be a missing spot in your life and heart, but you also again have to ask yourself,would your wife want you to not go on and try to find some type of happiness as long as you are here? I am sure she wants you happy as possible. I am not saying not to hurt, cry, feel angry, sad, mad or ask all the questions why.....because that is totally normal but I know that sometimes in the public eyes we do have to "put on a front" or what we know it as, going on, make new normals. You also need to find your quiet moments alone where you can cry and let your emotions out or you will one day explode ( I did that and couldnt stop crying for hours)....please lean on the friends and loved ones around you for support, if they ask how you are doing, tell them you need someone to talk to and if they are willing to listen, just cry to them...that is one reason they are there. You can also find some wonderful "strangers" on this site that will give you an ear to spill to and words of encouragement and love, it does help sometimes to talk to others who know your pain, or to strangers. I will add you to my prayers and wish you peace in your heart. If you need a friend, I am here....you can private message me anytime. God Bless you.
Missy

 
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:03 PM   #3
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caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: Death of Wife

Dear Paul

Don't put the bar too high on yourself in the expectations that after a few days, weeks, months, you should be 'normal' again. You are normal, its just a different kind of normal.

You have to talk about it. and Talk all the time. You don't say if there are children involved. If there is, its hard to keep strong in front of them when you are feeling so bad but its okay to share with them the tears and concerns.

I lost my husband of 22 years almost 4 years ago. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't mention him, think of him, want him back but he is much better where he is and enjoying himself so very much.

I will keep you in my prayers but know that you will do things that will cause you to question yourself. You are going to be okay but it will take time. You have to go back to work but you don't have to fake it.

I tell people that I appear to be doing okay but there are days when I am holding on by my fingernails. Someday, your heart will be open for another of God's gift

CaringSister54

 
Old 03-24-2009, 04:48 PM   #4
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numan100 HB User
Re: Death of Wife

Thank you for your kind comments and advice.
If the doctors at our practice had done their jobs properly she`d still be here now so i`m having to deal with that as well.

Thanks again

 
Old 03-24-2009, 05:29 PM   #5
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MarieH HB User
Re: Death of Wife

First, I'm so sorry Paul. I've never lost someone very close to me, so I can't imagine what you're going through right now.
I just wanted to respond after I read that you were trying to think of as many memories that you've shared with your wife. It made me think that you should write a journal of all these memories. Whether or not you consider yourself a talented writer, I think putting these memories down could be very therapeutic for you, and could give you something to share with friends or families if you're comfortable with that.
I don't want to say that you should do it to get through rough times, but more of a celebration of the times you were able to spend with your wife.

 
Old 03-24-2009, 05:48 PM   #6
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misE08 HB User
Re: Death of Wife

God Bless you....I hate when we lose someone at the hands of someone elses mistakes, that seems to eat at you so much more, I know that aspect too b/c my daddy had mesothelioma (asbestos cancer), other wise he was a very healthy man, so we are dealing with that as well while the suppliers of asbestos are probably sitting on an island sipping cocktails while we are suffering.....but your wife was so young and that is harder to accept....but as a friend told me, it was in God's hands really, he knew what he was doing and the things that took place were for a reason only he knows now, they have a birthdate set and a date they are taking from us, just as you and I do whether we like it or not. You just have to look at it that way to help things slightly...if that does at all..?!! My prayers are with you..your friend. Missy

 
Old 03-25-2009, 01:21 PM   #7
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numan100 HB User
Re: Death of Wife

Hi

The journal is a really good idea, thanks Marie

Thanks Missy, sorry about your loss too, its so hard isin`t it.

Stupid as it is, i ring her mobile phone just to hear her voice mail, so i don`t forget her voice, just really struggled today, still can`t get my head and heart around it all!


Paul

 
Old 03-25-2009, 05:59 PM   #8
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misE08 HB User
Re: Death of Wife

Bless your heart Paul....I know you will have bad days and good days and sometimes it is the littlest things that will set you into a heartache fast....it is hard and we just dont know how to deal with it but one day at a time and with the love and support around you. You will hold onto anything you can (such as the voice on her phone), they hurt to hear but we seem to need that familiarity, I have played videos when my dad was in them such as at the birth of my son 4 months before he passed and before he ever knew he was sick and the line that gets to me on that tape is "you did good girl", just hearing that makes me smile and cry at the same time...I will never hear that again and that hurts so so bad, but just to know I made him proud is what keeps me going....Do what you feel is best for you, remember there is no right or wrong, each person is different.
Take care of you,
Missy

 
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