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Old 05-04-2009, 03:47 AM   #1
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shorti HB User
grandmother who i never met died

hey all,
my mother's mother died. i have never met her. i found out through the death notices. my own mother hasnt seen her mother since she was 17. my mother died four years ago. anyway, my mothers family doesnt like their mother at all. they have always spoken evil of her. i have never met her so im not going to judge someone i have never met. the funeral is on wednesday and im going to go out of human and family respect. she was in a nursing home and my dad contacted them and they said that only 2 people are going to the funeral and they welcome us to come along. im thinking of contacting my aunt to tell her her mother died. do you think its appropriate? they didnt like her but im trying to put themselves in my shoes. if someone you once knew died and you were never told and your neice knew, wouldn't you feel hurt? least it gives them a chance to go if they wish. they dont have to but i guess it will make me feel that i tried to do the right thing. my dad doesnt like my mums family and thinks they will contest her estate. he says they gave her away years ago and told me not to tell them and let the solicitor contact them as the solicitor would of been given order in the will. what should i do?

 
Old 05-04-2009, 06:04 AM   #2
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Re: grandmother who i never met died

Thats a tough call...
did your Dad find out from you? my guess is the other relatives know too, I uderstand your desire to let them know but you are also stuck with your dads request for you not to contact them...I have a very unusual family situation also and my dad passed away a few years ago I had actually visited him a few days before he passed ( he lived in another country) so I decided not to return for the funeral. any ways there nded up being issues with his will and other stuff all of which I thought was quite greedy/jeuvenile but as far as money is concerned family can get quite weird....so I am inclined to agree with you (being honest and upfront) but I also agree with your dad too as he probably wants to protect anything he may have coming his waythat ultimately will benefit you...whew ...hink if you are an adult you have to make your own decision and go with it. But talk to your ddad some more maybe you can come to a compromise of some kind?
Best wishes
Remember it is sometime best to let sleeping dogs lie...

 
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Old 05-04-2009, 06:13 AM   #3
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caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: grandmother who i never met died

do not call anyone -- I'm sure by what we were given to fill out that the nursing home has all the family info and who to contact upon death. If you weren't contacted, please don't contact anyone else. You got it from the death notice in the papers.

Also -- no one would be contacted by a solicitor if they are not mentioned in the executed will. So if they had no relationship and the mother didn't mention them when writing out her will, they will not be contacted at all.

If there was no will, then the courts will appoint an executor to oversee the settlement of whatever estate there may be and that will be their job to contact any and all living relatives -- BUT if she was in a nursing home, she didn't have anything but whatever she was allowed to keep (here in U.S., NJ - they are allowed only $2,000. But all debts with medical and others are settled first.

Don't know why anyone always feels that when there's a death, they're entitled or will be coming into money. It doesn't work that way all the time and no one should plan for it.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 06:41 AM   #4
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shorti HB User
Re: grandmother who i never met died

Quote:
Originally Posted by caringsister54 View Post
do not call anyone -- I'm sure by what we were given to fill out that the nursing home has all the family info and who to contact upon death. If you weren't contacted, please don't contact anyone else. You got it from the death notice in the papers.

Also -- no one would be contacted by a solicitor if they are not mentioned in the executed will. So if they had no relationship and the mother didn't mention them when writing out her will, they will not be contacted at all.

If there was no will, then the courts will appoint an executor to oversee the settlement of whatever estate there may be and that will be their job to contact any and all living relatives -- BUT if she was in a nursing home, she didn't have anything but whatever she was allowed to keep (here in U.S., NJ - they are allowed only $2,000. But all debts with medical and others are settled first.

Don't know why anyone always feels that when there's a death, they're entitled or will be coming into money. It doesn't work that way all the time and no one should plan for it.
im in australia, not the US. im personally not after money. this is my blood relative who i never got the chance to meet because her children ( my uncle and aunty) dont like her. my mother didnt see her mum since she was 17. she turned to drink wishing she had a mother. i regret the fact that i never looked her up to get to know her. i want to find out my family history. i regret not doing so. going to someones funeral is like closure for me. im not after anyones estate, im just the grandchild anyway. my aunty on the other hand has a millionaire husband and they love money. my dad is worried they would go after the estate. i feel sorry that this women had no family in the end. i feel upset and would like to attend the funeral. i just wanted to know if i should contact my aunt to let her know whats happened. i just want to try and do the right thing. after all family is family regardless of what happened.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 06:59 AM   #5
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caringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB Usercaringsister54 HB User
Re: grandmother who i never met died

wasn't saying don't go -- was just saying don't contact anyone.

If you need to go to have closure than most definitely go. However you may not get the family history you desire.

All you can do is try to have an open conversation with any remaining living relative and see what it was that drove everyone away from the lady.

You asked -- should I contact anyone -- your Dad said 'no' and I was just trying to validate that there's true to the saying "shoot the messenger".

I know for a fact that the NH would've had to be told of any relatives unless the woman and whoever put her there said "there are no relatives".

 
Old 05-04-2009, 07:12 AM   #6
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shorti HB User
Re: grandmother who i never met died

Quote:
Originally Posted by caringsister54 View Post
wasn't saying don't go -- was just saying don't contact anyone.

If you need to go to have closure than most definitely go. However you may not get the family history you desire.

All you can do is try to have an open conversation with any remaining living relative and see what it was that drove everyone away from the lady.

You asked -- should I contact anyone -- your Dad said 'no' and I was just trying to validate that there's true to the saying "shoot the messenger".

I know for a fact that the NH would've had to be told of any relatives unless the woman and whoever put her there said "there are no relatives".
well the nursing home knew she had 3 children because she told them. she never mentioned names tho and she knew that she had at least one grandchild which is my eldest cousin. the nursing home mentioned that to my dad. my dad doesnt like my mum's side of the family. my dad is divorced from my mother. when my mother died she was cremated as she wished and wanted to be buried with her grandparents who have already passed away and her father who is still alive. he will eventually go into the same plot. my dad wont let me bury my own mother because he doesnt like her family and has kept the ashes at our place. i cant do anything about it because he will hate me forever. i cant wait to move out of home so i can finally lay my mum to rest where she wanted. my mum also had an intervention order on my dad and look at him now taking control so when he says dont contact the family, i think its mainly for his own interests anyway. its been 4 years since my mum died and she still hasnt been laid to rest and all this is having an effect on me. dad thinks my grandfather murdered her. she was an alcoholic and my dad thinks he fed alcohol to her. its hard to believe really. he is denying my grandfather along with my aunt and uncle, the chance to visit my mothers remains at a cemetry because he has them at our house. my dad cant let go that my mum divorced him. im 23 by the way and hope to move out next year.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 07:47 AM   #7
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Re: grandmother who i never met died

Hi Shorti
wow I am so sorry about your mom and not having a place to grieve for her, my thoughts are as you haven't buried your mom burying your grandmother might help bring some kind of closure?
You sound mature and understanding of peoples frailties...if you think you should go, then you should. As an adult you have that choice.

I wish you all the best

 
Old 05-04-2009, 06:01 PM   #8
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Re: grandmother who i never met died

Hi Shorti, I agree with Kitchener12. You sound like a kind, caring adult, and I am so very sorry for what you are having to go through. I guess my best advice would be to consider what you would want IF you were in the place of those family members who do not know of your maternal grandmother's passing. Obviously, your dad is still holding a grudge against your mom and her side of the family. So, you might want to factor that into your dad's behavior. But remember, your mom's side of the family IS still YOUR family. You must search your heart and make the best decision you can where this is concerned. When you decide based on what you consider is the right and loving thing to do, you can't go wrong. If anyone holds that against you, then it most certainly IS THEIR problem and not yours. You can proceed through your life knowing you did the right and conscionable thing.

My prayers are with you, and you most certainly have higher powers looking out for you.

Hugs,
Misty125

 
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