Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care...
My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in December of last year (2008)- she tried chemotherapy and radiation, but decided once it had spread into the fluid around her heart (about 3 months later) that she would stop treatment and go home to die with what little quality of life she might have left. Hospice has been helping for 3 months and mom has gotten better since her treatment, but still very obviously dying. I have been living with her since my divorce so as her primary caregiver I am with her more than anyone. Being the baby of the family, all of this has been especially hard for me. I was also living with my parents in January 2007 when my dad passed away, I cared for him a lot in his last few months, too. It's more than I am used to- I don't have kids and I am used to being the one being looked after. All this has made me grow up really fast in ways.
I expected as promised my sisters would be here to help me with mom, and for the most part they have been. My one sister has had a strained relationship with our mother for several years. After the last "fight" they had a few years ago they seemed to make amends. But now that mama is dying she seems to have decided she has better things to do than come around. She won't call or visit, she is constantly putting down mama around me. I am the timid "little sister" and I don't know what to say. (I am under 30, she's 10 years older than me, if that matters)
We had a family reunion last weekend which we all know will be mama's last. She got to say goodbye to a lot of extended family and it was very positive for her. My sister, however, sat at my table and complained about how mama was using the reunion as a "goodbye party" and how she was making it all about her and her cancer. My sister told me "Mama is upset because we don't call or come over but I have to put myself and my family first" and then she quoted some stuff from the bible about God being first then her husband then kids...I don't know, I started to tune her out.
My sister has mental issues, she seems to be a hypochondriac or have Münchausen syndrome. She is constantly "sick" or claiming to be sick or claiming her children are sick. She goes to the ER to take medicine because she thinks she'll have a reaction to it. She even had elective surgery done when we needed her to help with mom. The surgery wasn't necessary but she did it seemingly to keep from being obligated to help care for mama...though now I can see in her mental condition it's best that she doesn't help with mom. She is also diagnosed manic depressive. I understand she has problems, but I don't see that as an excuse to talk bad about our mother or treat her the way she does.
It's hard for me to put on a happy face and ignore her but I do so for the sake of my mother. Mama doesn't want anyone fighting because of her. This same sister has already gotten into another sister over mom before and mama got very upset.
Mama is starting to request her fentanyl patches and I have a feeling once she starts using them she'll go downhill. She went from being a robust 180 lb woman to nothing but skin and bones. She's ready to go, I'm ready to let her go as hard as it is. But what to do when she's gone and my sister uses mom's death as another ruse for getting attention? I can keep it together for mom for her sake, but when she's gone I won't be able to bite my tongue anymore.
Sorry this is so long. Have any of you had to deal with similarly dramatic siblings or family members? Any words of advice for me?
Re: Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care...
Sort of similiar but not quite, I would talk to your sister it's unfair that all the pressure is being put on you and it is unfair for you to take that pressure on by yourself. It's not healthy and it does no-one any good.
Re: Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care...
Abigail, darlin...
It sounds like your sister has some issues that are keeping her from doing the right things at the right time. Not only did she choose to turn your mother's celebration of life and family, into a "goodbye party" ...she has also acted inappropriately about visiting, and sharing some of the load of care taking for your mother. I wouldn't take it so personally, it sounds as if your sister has a history of mental illness, that often makes it impossible for your sister to be there when you need her.
I am sure your mother knows this deep down inside, and is appreciates your devotion to her, more than you will ever know. You mentioned that you have always been the baby, but now you are not...That is a very strong statement that you should be proud of. Give your mother all the love you have, without being resentful of your sister. I promise, it will pay you back everyday of your life.
From a daughter, and a mom...Best to you and your mother
Re: Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care...
Dear Abby
You seeingly have made inroads in growing up but you also have some more to do. You need to dis-engage yourself from this sister who is mentally ill.
Focus on your mother -- But I hope you are working. If not, get a nurse in to take care of your mother and you need to go out and get a job, even if its part-time. What are you going to do when your mother passes.
First off, your siblings have rights in the house that your mother owns, or has it been transferred into your name only. When your mother passes, you may find that you will be out on your own and having to move.
You need to get some sort of life for yourself now to prepare yourself for the future. I understand the demands of a sick relative but I also saw what it did to my older sister who chose to gave up her life for my mother -- she didn't look for work, and chose instead to stay home and work 24/7 until my Mom's death. The house is now in both our names.
I myself had a life. I lived next door in the other side of the house (it was a duplex), but I got married, had two kids, and was happy -- my husband died in 2005 so I was there for his doctor appointments and the runs to the hospital when it was necessary.
But I didn't and wouldn't dare give up my life for my mother. I won't even do it for my sister who now has no job, no friends, no hobbies, no nothing! I have two kids and I gave them life. I also raised them and gave them their moral and ethical foundations on which to build. They are both in college and one is soon to graduate. When he does, I'll take him out and work with him on getting his own place. When my daughter graduates, it will be the same thing unless she moves in with her boyfriend in the meantime.
Me? I am dating (my sister wonders why I feel the need to do this again), and I have friends who I go see, travel with, spend time with, etc. I am hardly ever home.
I begged her to put my mother in a nursing home only because I know my mother expected this of my sister but I didn't. I needed my sister to have a life, some sort of a life, any kid of a life! -- now everyone is saying "you need to take care of your sister.". She's 4 years older than I and was always 'taken care of' by my parents until my mother got too bad to cook the meals, do the laundry, and clean the house. Then it fell on my sister.
Now she's 8 years older than she was, hasn't worked in 8 years, and is not interested in working. I understand her need to take time for herself but there's no money coming in for her and the any money my mother may have had will be long gone - very fast.
So please don't expect anything from your siblings because you'll only get frustrated and angry. Take whatever help the others give you and just move past this. But know that as soon as your mother goes, I'm sure this sister will come with her hand out for her "fair share" be prepared.
Knowing my husband was sick around the time my mother got worse and then he suddenly died in my arms in my house, my sister thankfully didn't expect much of me in regards to my mother (who I never got along with, I was abused by her for most of my life -- physical, emotional, and mentally. My sister was always her 'good seed' I was always the 'bad' seed)
Seek the assistance of hospice and/or visiting nurses who can also give you respite time. Prepare your life for your future.
Re: Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care...
Thanks for sharing your story. I actually do have a full-time job and while I do live with my mother I am not living there expense-free. I help her with bills and groceries. She is leaving me the house when she dies, as I am the only child with no family or home of my own.
I don't mind caring for my mother, I find it to be a privledge and honor to give back to the woman who gave so much to me- who gave me life. I just wish I didn't have to deal with my toxic sister on top of it all.
I wanted my mother to have the dignity and comfort of dying at home in the care of those who love her. I couldn't stand to see her in a nursing home wasting away all alone. Your sister needs to start her life again, but I admire her for choosing to take time to care for your mother.
I hope when I have kids and get old and dying, they will take care of me instead of leaving me alone in some cold, lonely nursing home while they go on about their lives untroubled.
Quote:
Originally Posted by caringsister54
Dear Abby
You seeingly have made inroads in growing up but you also have some more to do. You need to dis-engage yourself from this sister who is mentally ill.
Focus on your mother -- But I hope you are working. If not, get a nurse in to take care of your mother and you need to go out and get a job, even if its part-time. What are you going to do when your mother passes.
First off, your siblings have rights in the house that your mother owns, or has it been transferred into your name only. When your mother passes, you may find that you will be out on your own and having to move.
You need to get some sort of life for yourself now to prepare yourself for the future. I understand the demands of a sick relative but I also saw what it did to my older sister who chose to gave up her life for my mother -- she didn't look for work, and chose instead to stay home and work 24/7 until my Mom's death. The house is now in both our names.
I myself had a life. I lived next door in the other side of the house (it was a duplex), but I got married, had two kids, and was happy -- my husband died in 2005 so I was there for his doctor appointments and the runs to the hospital when it was necessary.
But I didn't and wouldn't dare give up my life for my mother. I won't even do it for my sister who now has no job, no friends, no hobbies, no nothing! I have two kids and I gave them life. I also raised them and gave them their moral and ethical foundations on which to build. They are both in college and one is soon to graduate. When he does, I'll take him out and work with him on getting his own place. When my daughter graduates, it will be the same thing unless she moves in with her boyfriend in the meantime.
Me? I am dating (my sister wonders why I feel the need to do this again), and I have friends who I go see, travel with, spend time with, etc. I am hardly ever home.
I begged her to put my mother in a nursing home only because I know my mother expected this of my sister but I didn't. I needed my sister to have a life, some sort of a life, any kid of a life! -- now everyone is saying "you need to take care of your sister.". She's 4 years older than I and was always 'taken care of' by my parents until my mother got too bad to cook the meals, do the laundry, and clean the house. Then it fell on my sister.
Now she's 8 years older than she was, hasn't worked in 8 years, and is not interested in working. I understand her need to take time for herself but there's no money coming in for her and the any money my mother may have had will be long gone - very fast.
So please don't expect anything from your siblings because you'll only get frustrated and angry. Take whatever help the others give you and just move past this. But know that as soon as your mother goes, I'm sure this sister will come with her hand out for her "fair share" be prepared.
Knowing my husband was sick around the time my mother got worse and then he suddenly died in my arms in my house, my sister thankfully didn't expect much of me in regards to my mother (who I never got along with, I was abused by her for most of my life -- physical, emotional, and mentally. My sister was always her 'good seed' I was always the 'bad' seed)
Seek the assistance of hospice and/or visiting nurses who can also give you respite time. Prepare your life for your future.
Mother is Dying of Lung Cancer, sister doesn't care... 
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