loss of my son
About 4yrs ago i lost my son, Joshua Lee. He was 3 1/2 months premature. He lived for 20 days after he was born, the doctors said that there wasnt much hope. I prayed for a miracle but one never came. He would get better...then worse, it was a roller coaster of emotions for me, my family and my boyfriends family. On the dreaded day when the doctor told me there was no hope of him getting better i had to make a decision, unfortunately i had to make this decision alone. You see my b/f was not the biological father and even though he was being very supportive he couldnt really help much with making the decisions. So i decided that all the medicines that were keeping him alive were to be taken out with only the pain meds left. At this point we all took turns holding him for the first time. He looked like he was in so much pain as was I. I didnt want us to suffer any longer, so i asked the family to leave and had a talk with one of his doctors(this was well over an hour after all meds were gone). Eventually i decided that it was time to let him go. When i called the family back and told them that i had decided to pull his ventilator my mom went ballistic, saying that there could still be a miracle. I went through with my decision and my son died in my arms. Ever since that day i have felt like i killed my son. That there may have been more that i could have done. I have been depressed and sometimes suicidal, i want to be with my son again. I also have many problems making decisions even the ones that are supposed to be easy. I just dont know what to do anymore. Well thank you all for listening.