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Old 09-10-2009, 10:58 PM   #1
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chickidy23 HB User
loss of my son

About 4yrs ago i lost my son, Joshua Lee. He was 3 1/2 months premature. He lived for 20 days after he was born, the doctors said that there wasnt much hope. I prayed for a miracle but one never came. He would get better...then worse, it was a roller coaster of emotions for me, my family and my boyfriends family. On the dreaded day when the doctor told me there was no hope of him getting better i had to make a decision, unfortunately i had to make this decision alone. You see my b/f was not the biological father and even though he was being very supportive he couldnt really help much with making the decisions. So i decided that all the medicines that were keeping him alive were to be taken out with only the pain meds left. At this point we all took turns holding him for the first time. He looked like he was in so much pain as was I. I didnt want us to suffer any longer, so i asked the family to leave and had a talk with one of his doctors(this was well over an hour after all meds were gone). Eventually i decided that it was time to let him go. When i called the family back and told them that i had decided to pull his ventilator my mom went ballistic, saying that there could still be a miracle. I went through with my decision and my son died in my arms. Ever since that day i have felt like i killed my son. That there may have been more that i could have done. I have been depressed and sometimes suicidal, i want to be with my son again. I also have many problems making decisions even the ones that are supposed to be easy. I just dont know what to do anymore. Well thank you all for listening.

 
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Old 09-11-2009, 05:41 PM   #2
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abeliarose HB User
Re: loss of my son

Chickidy23,

My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine the emotional pain you're in. One thing I am certain of is that you made the absolutely right decision for your son. You did not kill your son, you allowed him to end his pain and suffering with dignity. It was a highly emotional time for you and both families, but you did what you had to do as his mother. You did not make your decision lightly or in haste, you gave the situation time, you sought medical advice, and put your own feelings aside for your son's benefit.

I am really worried about you. As would anyone who has gone through such a traumatic event (especially alone) you need and deserve counseling. Please seek help for yourself immediately. You're obviously an incredibly strong and courageous woman to have put aside your own feelings to make such a compassionate decision on your baby's behalf. With help and time I hope you'll find peace and happiness.
Sincerely, Rose

 
Old 09-11-2009, 11:30 PM   #3
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chickidy23 HB User
Re: loss of my son

As much as i would love to seek counseling i cannot. I have no insurance and no job. I was denied for disability and the local dshs did not cover counseling when i was on with them. I have tried unsuccessfully to get and keep a job. It is to much for me emotionally, either there are kids or people with kids. I can hardly be around my niece and nephews without breaking down. As of a few months ago i am riding along with my b/f on his big rig so i dont really have to deal with many people or kids. So it works most of the time. But the prob is still here and affecting my relationship.

 
Old 10-20-2009, 07:57 PM   #4
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SoulySue HB User
Re: loss of my son

Wow. My heart is breaking right now. This decision was yours to make and dont ever let anyone tell you that it was wrong. Like abeliarose said, you did your homework. You went down all avenues, you did what was best for your child. I wish that you could get the counseling that you need. I hate that you are going through this by yourself. You need to make peace with your self and your child. I had a still born baby when I was 18. Not the same as your situation, but I had a hell of time moving on. It took a long time to realize that I was not to blame. God works in mysterious ways. Take care and find peace.

 
Old 10-26-2009, 04:57 PM   #5
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: kinston,NC usa
Posts: 327
thisworld HB User
Re: loss of my son

talk, talk, and more talk. my heart goes out to you. i lost my only son 10 years ago at the age of 26 through sucidide. never expected it. we where good parents and he was a great son just dabble with drugs and had issures but not enough to committ sucidide. i cry every day and last Nov. i lost my love of 40 years. he would not talk about our son and 2 years later the strongest man i knew had a break down. so please talk to someone and also to yourself. dont carry on quilt sweetie. he did the right thing. im sending you love and hugs and kisses.

 
Old 05-15-2011, 06:18 AM   #6
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 159
bestoldies04 HB Userbestoldies04 HB User
Re: loss of my son

My heart goes out to you. We lost our only child (son) six years ago to suicide. We know the pain you are going through. The key thing is to keep talking to someone that will listen. Seek God out he will help you get through this. We still grieve our loss each and everyday but at least now we get though it.

 
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