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Old 11-22-2009, 12:52 AM   #1
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My highschool sweetheart, father to my child and partner of 9yrs died. How do i live?

I'm 25 now and met my partner when i was in highschool. We have been through so much together in the past 9years and it was a heated at times type relationship where we'd test each other's love when we were younger just to see how much we loved each other and our breakups never lasted long. We couldn't be seperated. No matter how much our parents tried, even after our daughter was born at the risk of causing my death in the process. We truly did love each other with all our heart and souls. We only realised this a little too late that we both truly felt the same way had had no trust issues or infidelity worries that we saw all around us and were afraid of being one of the next victims of an unfaithful relationship ourselves. I've been suicidal before at even the thought of losing him temporarily and then one morning i was woken up to a phone call from my uncle who he worked for telling me that Clint (my partner) has just been rushed to hospital in a serious condition and that because the work shed was just around the corner from the accident he noticed the ute, and though it was unrecognisable, he knew it to be Clints by the work tools scattered across the 4lane highway for km's. I rushed to the hospital and almost crashed many times myself thinking and hoping it was only a concussion with a few broken bones and that i could soon be telling him "I told you so" about his ego driving causing him an accident. But when i got to the hospital, i was sat in a room with his mother who was already there and had to wait while the doctors finished their CT scans and such before we could see him. We were soon met by a doctor who told us that he had sent away the scans to the nuerosurgeon specialist's in the next big hospital a few hours away, but that things didn't look good. We were allowed then to go in and see him. He was on life support and in an unresponsive coma and looked nothing like the man i'd known for all those years. He had 2 puffy black eyes, tubes coming out from everywhere and blood that sometimes ran from his nose and beside the tube in his mouth. He felt cold to touch and all i could think was this can't be happening to me. Only people i know. I sat by his side waiting for an answer from the nuerosurgeons as to how bad he was. Then, 3 police officers came into the emergency room and told me i had to go with them outside to answer a few questions. At first thought, they beleived Clint was racing a person in a red Rav4, (wich i owned) and i had to prove without a doubt that it wasn't me and then that no one else had my car! I was finally allowed to go back to his side where i never moved from after that. It turned out that Clint had actually been in a road rage that was witnessed by 15 people, but the driver of that red rav4 never stopped to help what he caused and never even put his foot on the brake! 2 hours after arriving at the hospital, the doctor told us that their was no hope. He was already gone and they were going to remove his life support. We were told that given the situation, he would probably live for 15 minutes to maybe an hour after his life support was removed, as the only thing that was really damaged, was his head. He was 23years old and would have walked away from the accident had he not hit his head on the concrete drain that seperated the incoming and outgoing highway roads. But being so young and healthy, his body continued to live for hours after while I sat glued to his side the whole time, hearing him moan and groan, and twitch. Watching his lungs fill with blood and move to his throat where the moans turned to gurgled groans and blood begin to splatter over his face with every breath getting more and more desperate as his lifeless body tried to cling to its last bit of life. Knowing there was nothing i could do to prevent it. Just the need to clean the blood splatters off his once handsome and happy face and continue to watch those splatters turn to a more thicker liquid that no longer splattered but just oozed and ran uncontrollably from his mouth and watch as his breaths became more crushed and finally stopped only to start and stop again painfully a few more times before they came to their inevitable end. I was forced to watch the one person on this earth who meant more to me than my own life and kept me sane drown in his own blood. No one to help us in the room or console our family through these last few minutes and ease the horror of what we had to witness. Then, when I thought it was all done, my heart nearly stopped as his dead lifeless body fitted and nearly contorted itself off the bed while my mother was quick enough to catch him before hitting the floor. I had no advice or warnings from doctors as to what I was to expect that day once his life support was removed except that, we were to expect his body's last living nerves to continue functioning for about 15min - and Hour before his body took its last breath. Only, he didn't he kept going for hours after and returning its warmth and lifelike state giving me a useless amount of hope for a miracle that really was never going to happen. I haven't yet let myself actually sit down and think over that day or the memories of it because i'm so scared of what i do. I may sound selfish and that's what i'm told i'd be if i commited suicide and left our daughter parentless. But she's only young, and young enough to forget about me. She'd be well looked after by many people who love her, but for me, there's no one else but him. I don't want to move on and i know i could never love another but him. It's been almost 5 months, and i know that time doesn't heal all pain but it does make things easier. I also know that because i was bought up catholic, that suicide isn't really an option either because i wouldn't end up being with him anyway. So is it wrong for me to hope that somehow, someday, (Hopefully soon), I too will die. I don't go to the doctors anymore to follow up on a lot of medical conditions i have that need to be looked at further because i secretly want them to worsen and cause my death by being to progressed to treat, and i secretly hope that all the problems in my car will somehow cause my death by accident and so i have my parents take my child too and from school in the unlikely event that it happens, and i even hope that i'll just one day have another heart attack that will just make all my pains go away.

 
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Old 11-25-2009, 07:00 PM   #2
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shandab HB User
Re: My highschool sweetheart, father to my child and partner of 9yrs died. How do i l

I know how you feel. I lost the one person that I loved the most in the world earlier this year - my father. It hurts so bad that you do think about suicide sometimes but you have to be strong for your daughter andbe glad that he is not still alive suffering. He is at peace. Time will heal the pain.

 
Old 12-12-2009, 09:22 PM   #3
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Re: My highschool sweetheart, father to my child and partner of 9yrs died. How do i l

My dear child. What a tramatic and horrible thing that you had to witness. I am so sorry for your pain and what you had to endure. Please know that your baby together is what keeps his memory alive. The pain you feel is the same pain that your daughter will feel later when she discovers that her mother didn't care or love her enough to stay and be her mother. This is not the answer for your pain. Love that baby and teach her love. Stay strong and I will pray for you.

 
Old 12-17-2009, 11:45 AM   #4
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goldyfm HB Usergoldyfm HB Usergoldyfm HB User
Re: My highschool sweetheart, father to my child and partner of 9yrs died. How do i l

My dear, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that it is so hard to understand why some things happen the way they do. I do hope you will realize in the coming days that your own life has great value to others and that you can get through this time of despair. Seek out the help of others. I do hope and pray that you will see that time can and will ease the pain you are feeling now. You and your child are in my thoughts and prayers.

Last edited by goldyfm; 12-17-2009 at 12:16 PM. Reason: change

 
Old 12-17-2009, 10:39 PM   #5
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Re: My highschool sweetheart, father to my child and partner of 9yrs died. How do i l

wow, you have an unbelievable load to bear. I know it hurts, I know you think you will always feel this way, but it won't always hurt this much. I cannot believe what you had to go through - watching someone you love so deeply dying so slowly. you are an amazingly strong person to have even come this far. you have to stay strong for your daughter. I read this an I feel like I have to share this with you. Now, if you were to die right now, you are very right - if she is young enough, she will forget you. When she's older she won't even remember your voice, or your face. But before she forgets you, your family will have to tell her that 'no you can't go see mommy in heaven' after the 100th time of her asking where you are and why she can't go to you. When she is 16 she will cry her eyes out, wishing you were there to help her through teenage life...then when she has a daughter of her own, she will wonder how can she be a mother when she was never taught because her own died when she was so young. I know exactly what she will go through because my mother died when I was 2. I can't even tell you how many times I needed her growing up, how many times I cried for her. There were times I wanted to die so I could be with her.
Your daughter needs you now more than ever. She already lost her father, she needs her mother. No one else will be able to tell her about her daddy the way that you can. Just be strong now and focus on her. Your sweetheart is still with you, he will always be with you.

 
Old 12-18-2009, 11:07 AM   #6
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Smile Re: My highschool sweetheart, father to my child and partner of 9yrs died. How do i l

Just want to say how sad your story was but there is a shining light at the end for you. There a no quick miracles and fixes for lifes challenges but please know that your daughter is there for you and will help you through your life. You and her will journey through life together and will be close forever. Life can be cruel and lonely but you are still here because god has a plan for you and your girl so keep your head up and it will get easier

 
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